Have you ever met someone and felt an instant connection with them, but later found out that they are very manipulative?

How often have you shared your deepest thoughts and fears with someone, only to learn that they have collected this information to control you?

In most cases, this is exactly how things are with narcissistic individuals.

As a confident, caring, and compassionate individual, you like to think that others are the same way.

But this is not always the case. Sometimes the guy across from you is analyzing you to see if you would provide a good source of supply for his own selfish agendas.

How narcissists test their victims

1 – They immediately suggest that you should change the way you look or something about your personality

Maybe you just met someone and you’re in a new relationship. You think things are going well, but what you want to be on the lookout for is when they want you to change something about your personality, the way you look, or the way you dress.

If you just met someone and they ask you to change your hairstyle, change your hair color, change your wardrobe, or tell you that you need to change something about your personality; Maybe you’re too sweet, maybe you’re too guarded… those are red flags.

This is one of the first signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist because, let’s face it, when you’re first dating someone, it’s not the time for them to spell out all the things they think you should change about yourself.

Don’t fall into a false sense of security, thinking that this relationship has long-term potential, and go out and buy stiletto dresses and stiletto sandals.

Or if you’re a guy, they might ask you to put on a muscle shirt and that’s not what you normally do, which is a sign (even if you think about it), that you’re dealing with a narcissistic or at least manipulative individual.

2 – They say they will call you on a certain day and time, and they never do

Then, two days later, they finally call, and act as if everything is completely normal. Meanwhile, you’ve been clutching your phone in a white fist waiting for them to call you and they finally call you like they’re having the time of their lives out there, they’re joyfully calling you and you feel really stressed and anxious about the situation.

This is their chance to find out exactly how their lack of communication affected you. This is no accident.

They may say they are out of town or forgot to call. They were busy doing ABC. This is no accident. It’s something they planned ahead of time to see how you’d react.

If it happened once, you probably don’t have to worry about it. If you’re dealing with someone who’s really sorry, maybe something really happened and they weren’t able to get in touch, they couldn’t get in touch with you, and they’re going to be super apologetic about it.

They won’t act like you’ve gone off the rails because you’re so upset.

If you’re dealing with someone who does this a lot, it’s a sign that you just need to cut that anchor and sail away.

3 – They assure you that they can be trusted when you just met

It’s doubtful you’re interacting with someone you just met and they say you can trust them and they won’t hurt you.

We don’t want to be someone watching over us 24/7 because there are so many good people out there, but a truly trustworthy person won’t have to talk about it. They won’t say things like, Oh, you can trust me. They wouldn’t even talk about sensitive things to begin with if you’ve just met.

Healthy people understand that there is a natural progression in relationships, so you don’t want to come across as overly trusting at first, especially if you were recovering from a past relationship with a manipulative or narcissistic person.

When you’re back out there and interacting with people again, the last thing you want to do is give your trust to anyone. You don’t want to rush things too quickly.

You don’t want to create an instant connection with someone you barely know, with whom you’ve gone out once or twice. This is a red flag. You shouldn’t do that.

But narcissists say certain things to see if you are an individual they can trust. And if you trust them too soon, you will regret it. Maybe your ex calls them while you’re out to dinner or something and they tell you, oh, that’s my ex calling. Many narcissistic individuals maintain their previous relationships.

These are the people you see on forums who say, “Oh my God, I can’t believe this. We just broke up two weeks ago and they went out and found a new supply!” Maybe they’re talking about you.

If you’re seeing a few different red flags and then all of a sudden their ex calls them on their phone, that’s a sign of leaving. It is not better to be more understanding or to be more flexible or to do more investigative work.

Combined, these signs mean that you just need to cut your losses and move on.

4 – Someone you barely know shares with you their horrific childhood and how they treated all their exes horribly

What they do is use a form of empathy to see if you will respond to sad childhood stories or how other people in their lives took advantage of them.

They may ask a lot of questions about you and your childhood while sharing how traumatic your childhood was.

They may have been abused and if that is the case, it is very sad. But you want to be mindful of the fact that they may be trying to establish cognitive empathy, which means they are trying to figure out your weaknesses, what pulls at your heart so that they can later use that against you.

Let’s just back it up for a moment and realize that when you’re meeting someone for the first time, it’s not the time to put all of your hurts, all of your disappointments, all of your traumas on the table. This is not healthy.

You want to establish a friendship, some kind of emotional foundation before you start sharing all of this stuff with someone. And they should, too.

They should not share all of these things with you if you just met them unless it is in group training or group therapy.

5 – Although you feel elated about attention and romance, you feel good about violating your boundaries.

With a narcissist, the violation of your boundaries often starts as soon as they first meet.

One of the first things narcissists look for when looking for a new source of supply is weak or non-existent boundaries.

If you don’t have strong boundaries, they understand that they can get into a relationship with you and you do things for them while giving you very little, if nothing, in return.

This is especially important for all the sympathizers out there. If you are an honest, confident, highly empathetic, and hard-working person, this is just fireworks for them.

If they are testing your limits and you have none, that makes you a focus for narcissistic individuals. This is why I talk about setting boundaries so much.

If you don’t have strong boundaries in any of your relationships, but especially romantic ones, get this free download that will help you define your boundaries and those deal-breakers because you’ll need those: RepelandDeflectNarcissists

Many of us have a hard time setting boundaries because we don’t like conflict and don’t want to appear confrontational or difficult to come to terms with.

But this is exactly what manipulators are looking for.

It’s okay if you have softer boundaries with someone you love and care about, such as a minor child or a sick family member. But when it comes to someone you don’t know, that’s when you have to create very strong boundaries right from the start.

And the reason this is so important is that if you don’t set boundaries in the beginning, you get into a relationship and then, later on, you try to implement them, and it’s usually too late.

By then, the narcissist will be laughing in your face, gaslighting you, and tearing you apart. And what that does over time is it causes you to develop learned hel