Is there a way to tell if the narcissist is just settling down with the new offer and preferably with you?
If you are trying to break free from a narcissist or if you have been recently ostracized by someone, you will likely hear stories of them being unhappy with their new supply. They may say they made a mistake and want to be with you, but they just can’t figure out how to cut things off with the new supply.
Does the narcissist prefer you over the new show? What does it mean and how should you respond? How do you know if a narcissist really wants to be with you, but just can’t get away from a new offer?
Does the narcissist regret being ignored?
The narcissist may tell you that they made a mistake. Or maybe they convinced you to be friends after you two broke up or after they dumped you, and now you’re hearing all about the new supply, how things aren’t working out, and how they’re trying to figure it out. Going out of a way to get back with you.
They may be teasing you by implying that they aren’t happy with the new offer and haven’t said anything about getting back together with you, but you hope it does.
In your heart, you may very much want the narcissist to prefer the new offer, but the truth is, narcissists never really miss out on any of their previous sources of supply. Narcissists do not stay in relationships because they are emotionally attached to their partner(s).
Narcissists often have what is called an avoidant attachment style. Therefore, although you have bonded with them and loved them very much, they have never bonded with you. Maybe they felt a little differently at the beginning of your relationship when they loved blowing you off. This is because narcissists also become addicted to the biochemicals they receive when they engage in the love-bombing phase. This is generally because you don’t know who they are yet.
When a narcissist likes to blow you off, you usually mirror them the things they want to believe about themselves. You don’t even know yet that they are pathological liars. You don’t know they’re cheaters on fire, you don’t know they’ll take credit cards in your name. You fall in love with them, you whisper sweet things in their ear, and you make them feel good about themselves.
But with narcissists, these endearing chemicals wear off quickly. Because they’ve done it over and over again, the honeymoon phase is much shorter for them than it is for us. And unlike you and I, where we go through the honeymoon phase with a partner and our feelings develop into something deeper, narcissists don’t. Once the honeymoon phase is over for them, they are done. The only reason they end up staying in a one-sided relationship is because they limit what you can offer them. This may include money, security in the form of being allowed to live with you, or they may have persuaded you to quit your job and move in with them.
A lot of times, they can be very persuasive about these things when it’s all just a scheme to control you for the long haul, and not because they’re emotionally attached. So, when the narcissist says that things aren’t working with the new show and that they made a mistake, you feel like maybe there is something about you that the narcissist would prefer.
This is a story we make up in our minds because we have not yet accepted that a narcissist simply cannot relate emotionally to anyone. Not with you, me, or anyone else. Not even the new show.
Being a narcissist’s first choice is anathema
We don’t generally think about the fact that it’s not a good idea to be the person a narcissist is settling down with. When you think of a narcissist settling down and creating a life with someone else, you’re going by your own history, ideas, beliefs, and fantasies about what a long-term relationship really consists of. You fool yourself into thinking that they found a way to overcome their narcissism for the sake of the new person. That they are able to control it and return the favor to the new person in a mutual way, but that is not what happens at all.
Usually, when a narcissist settles into a long-term relationship, it is because the new show has passed the test of a true narcissist. This means that they are more willing to put up with the narcissist’s lies, infidelities, quitting their jobs all the time, or whatever a particular narcissist does. So being the person the narcissist settles down with is in no way something he strives for or is jealous of.
When a narcissist reaches out to you after he gets a new supply, it’s important to remember that it’s not because he misses you or feels your absence in his life. When the narcissist starts coming back after they’ve been given a new supply, it’s because they feel some kind of insecurity in the form of not knowing if the new offer can support them financially, maybe the new offer hasn’t quite passed their test yet, or maybe they thought the new offer could. To give them a really good image through the association and then they get into the relationship and the narcissist realizes that the person is not as “enviable” as they originally thought.
Another reason a narcissist might push back is that although the narcissist may be wildly happy when love starts blowing up with someone new, they also understand that all relationships (which include them) are doomed from the start. They can get into a new relationship and enjoy the love-blasting phase, but even as they experience it, they realize it won’t last. They are making as much of it out as they can at the moment.
When the new supply is on sale
Perhaps you feel like the narcissist has “dropped” with the new show. In these moments, it is really important to understand that while some narcissists may enjoy being associated with someone of a “high caliber” such as the director of an institution, a professor, or someone who they believe has a lot of money, this can only carry the narcissist over for so long.
I hear from a lot of people, “Well, I feel like the narcissist is down. How does he or she not want me back?” That I was the best partner or best supply!”
Oftentimes, we make the mistake of assuming that narcissists think like we do. This keeps people confused and spinning their wheels indefinitely. Trying to discover what a narcissist considers to be “amazing qualities” in another person is a dark journey down a rabbit hole.
Narcissists have no trouble replacing anyone.
I’ve seen narcissists ignore the bright, self-sufficient, and highly educated people of someone who is the complete opposite.
I’ve seen beautiful people, including supermodels, brutally abused and discarded like yesterday’s trash.
Narcissists have been known to leave someone wealthy and take on someone with the help of the government.
Don’t try to parse the narcissist’s motives and mentality against your own. You cannot understand the situation by thinking that they will think or act like you. You can gain an advantage just by thinking like they do.
What matters most to them is having someone who will tolerate their ways. Even then, it’s important to understand that you can tolerate them until you’re blue in the face, but that won’t guarantee that you’ll be the narcissist’s favorite because frankly, narcissists don’t favor anyone.
Clickable Survivor Advice: Would a narcissist go out of their way to devalue someone they truly care about?
Narcissists have a very low boredom threshold. The very things they say they love at first soon become the bane of their existence. You will get severely aggravated by these things as time goes on because their entire agenda is to tear you down. So, once they get bored and the love chemicals start to wear off and they see that you’re a real person and not a movie character they had in mind, that’s when things start to fall apart because they never really formed a relationship with you. .
Even if they are with the new show and are starting to get bored, it doesn’t mean that they miss you or really want you back. This is simply because they have discovered that perhaps the new supply can’t offer them what they originally thought, the new supply has begun to see them for who they really are, or the brand new supply may have told them that they are not going to pay the narcissist’s rent or pay for their car.
So, they come running back to you. And if they do, they might make you think they’re going to change their ways. You might think they agreed not to cheat or lie. They may seem genuinely on board with all of that. And it only takes a few minutes after you bring them back to realize they were lying again.
It is important not to think that the narcissist prefers the old supply over the new one. This is usually just a result of our imagining that they miss us as much as we miss them. This is what gets us into trouble, especially if this isn’t the first outing with a narcissist in your life.
Moral of the story: Narcissists do not recognize or value a person’s unique and admirable qualities. They only analyze people according to the amenities or “supply” they can get from them, which can turn on a dime. One minute, they might want someone they can benefit from financially. The next moment, they want someone who makes them look good by association. And the next moment, they want slaves and a sentimental punching bag.
So unless you are okay with changing looks every moment of the day to satisfy the psyche of such a dysfunctional person, the best thing you can do is stop trying to figure out the narcissist. Cut that anchor and sail away…
