Have you ever received an apology from someone and it felt like it wasn’t genuine? Did you feel that the apology was to silence you, or to get out of an awkward situation? These are all signs of a manipulative apology where the person is not sorry at all.

Manipulative apologies are easier to spot than you think. For example, a person will not take responsibility for their actions. Or they will use an apology to take out your feelings.

Here are 5 major signs of a manipulative apology

1. No liability
   “I’m sorry for how you feel.”

“I’m sorry that the joke offended you.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This is the most common type of manipulative apology. The onus is on the other person’s feelings, not the person who made them feel that way.

Sometimes people apologize in this way, not because they were being manipulative, but because they really can’t understand why someone was upset. They may think that the person is overly sensitive to a problem. They may not realize that they touched a sore spot for this person.

None of this matters if you have upset or offended someone. They are entitled to feel what they feel. What you did or said may not have affected you in the same way, but that is irrelevant. You might be able to laugh at a joke about a certain topic, but again, that’s not the point.

Something you said or did upset someone. The correct way to apologize is to take responsibility for making them angry.

Real apologies look like this:

“I’m sorry I disturbed you.”

Manipulative apologies look like this:

“I’m sorry you were offended.”

In a true apology, the person says sorry for something they did to the other person.

In a manipulative apology, the person apologizes but does not take ownership of their part in the problem. They are saying sorry the other person was offended.

2. Apology, but with a ‘but’…

“I’m sorry I exploded, but I was really confused at the time.”

“Look, I’m sorry my friend, but you did it.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but you are so sensitive.”

Any apology that includes a “but” is an example of a manipulative apology. Basically, nothing important before the “but”. You can also not include the apology part.

Using “but” in an apology is a manipulative way to put some of the blame on you. Again, you are not responsible. In these examples, you are apologizing, but you are also building up the situation. This is so that the other person can take some of the blame.

Sometimes, removing the but can lead to an effective apology.

I snapped at a friend the other day. I have two very large dogs, one of which I have to keep under control as they can be dominant if not in check. I was trying to control them both and my friend gave some advice during a tense situation that wasn’t helpful. It shocked her and she was very rude.

However, I immediately apologized and said:

“I’m really sorry that I hurt you. I was confused at the time and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

This differs from a more manipulative apology:

“I am really sorry to have shocked you, but I was confused at the time.”
You might think it’s a good idea to use the second example, as all you’re doing is explaining the situation. However, while it’s fine to explain, using “but” weakens the first part of the apology. You apologize, however, you are giving yourself an excuse to get out of the situation.

3. The rush to accept their apology
   “Look, I’m sorry, okay?”

“I said sorry, let’s get over this.”

“Why are you bringing this up again? I already said sorry.”

According to research, people make manipulative apologies for specific reasons. Karina Schumann believes that one of them is the lack of empathy for the other person. Be aware if a loved one pushes you to accept an apology or ignores your feelings. It can show a general lack of interest in you.

If a guy loves you, he won’t want to rush in or push an issue under the rug and forget about it. If you are in pain, they should do everything they can to help you.

Being rushed or getting upset with you because you can’t “move on” is a sign of disrespect.

4. Gifts instead of a sincere apology
   There’s that old joke when a married man brings home his flowers and you wonder what he did wrong. Expensive gifts or gestures are not true apologies. Buying someone a gift without saying sorry is a manipulative apology.

Whether it’s a trip he’s always wanted, a piece of jewelry you know she’s talked about, or even something as simple as arranging a boys’ night out for your man. If you don’t say the words: “I’m sorry,” then you are manipulating.

You’re putting the other person in an awkward position for having to accept your gift, but the problem isn’t really resolved.

5. Dramatic, overblown apologies
   “Oh my God, I am so sorry! I beg you to forgive me!”

“How will you forgive me?”

“Please accept my apologies, I will simply die if you don’t.”

These types of manipulative apologies are more about the person making the apology than their feelings. Narcissists and people with big egos will make inappropriate and exaggerated apologies like this one.

However, it is not about you or how sorry they are. Their great girl is to boost their self-image. You may notice that these dramatic apologies happen when they have an audience. As dramatic as their apology sounds, it is superficial and without originality.