When it comes to relationships, how do you know if a compliment is sincere? Sometimes, these pseudo-words are some hidden agenda veiled in fawning. As harmless as fake praise may sound, as much as we’d like to hear those words, these aren’t the real ones. Love can weaken and be used to abuse. Read on to learn more about flattery and how sycophants can manipulate and control relationships.
Oh, the best habit of love is apparent confidence,
… So I lie with her and she with me,
And in our mistakes by lies, we flatter.
– “When my love swears it is made of truth” Shakespeare.
Flattery is a kind of white lie, but why could it be a problem?
Doesn’t everyone like to be told good things about themselves? Sure, but false praise isn’t the same as a thoughtful, honest compliment. Oftentimes, people see through weak flattery. For example, students who apply to our graduate programs have professors writing letters of recommendation.
One professor sent many letters, but often said he recommended “the best student he’s ever worked with.” When everyone is “the best,” a recommendation doesn’t mean much. When every performance gets a standing ovation, it doesn’t reflect the quality of the show.
Read : 30 Ways In Which Narcissistic Parenting Affects A Child
Flattery can also be dangerous.
A client of mine, whom I will call Joanna, learned firsthand about the power of a manipulative sycophant. In middle school, she was teased by her friends for being a prima facie, which left her anxious and insecure. When she started her freshman year in college, she met Brad, who sensed her vulnerability. He began calling her relentlessly, texting her about how he couldn’t stop thinking about her eyes or her voice.
She was in the wind. I felt a craving, and it was intoxicating. He pressured her into having sex, even though she told him she wanted to wait. She eventually gave in and kept this from her worried friends, and her mom, who she knew wouldn’t approve of the entire relationship.
It went quickly, and Brad continued to flatter, but he also got jealous, telling her to stop hanging out with friends and to wear certain clothes. She finds out he has a son from a previous relationship, but he has excuses for why he isn’t honest with her, and he avoids the problem by complaining about how awful his ex-wife was.
Read : Abuse Doesn’t Always Leave Bruises And Broken Bones: Why The Inner Damage Is Worse
He convinced Joanna that she was the only person who understood him. Things became abusive, as he would make fun of her appearance and take her phone as punishment. She was trapped by this point and would believe him and blame herself for their troubles.
He would beat her, then buy her gifts, promise her change, and threaten to commit suicide. He used flattery as many manipulators do – to control relationships. As is often the case, the kindness mostly stopped after Joanna was too battered to leave.
Another clinical experiment with flattery involved an off-farm child named Roy. He was 18 years old and left his country home to take a job in a distant city. His co-worker was taking an interest in him, and he’d drop into his cubicle, smile, flirt, and invite him to lunch.
He felt laughable about it and made some feeble efforts to hold back, but it was fun, so he mostly went. She soon pressures him into spending time at her house and talking about marriage.
He was sad and confused, because he had a long-distance girlfriend, and his requests were being ignored. When we discussed her use of flattery, he demurred: “Are you saying I’m not a good-looking or nice guy? I like to be grateful!” But when we looked closer, he saw that the truth was a bit more complicated.
He was a nice, handsome man. However, the lie was in why he told her these things. It was not because she had sincerely thought about his pleasure and satisfaction. She flattered him for her purposes: he came from a cattle-farming family with money, and she loved the thrill of his driving. If she had his best interests at heart, she would have accepted his initial protests and backed off rather than pay up.
Flattery is deceptive when used to gain or control relationships.
It is effective because everyone has insecurities and likes to be told great things about themselves. Flattery is especially common during dating and in new relationships, but it usually fades as relationships settle into commitment and reality. Well-established spouses are kind and supportive, but usually give up fawning.
Read : 7 Truths About Life After An Abusive Relationship
Compliments can be like artificial sweeteners that seem great at first but leave an unpleasant aftertaste. A person who is starving for affection may devour flattery, but it is not as nourishing as the sweetness that comes from sincere compliments.
