Only when you live with a narcissist will you truly realize how harmful they can actually be. No amount of online research can prepare you for the havoc with your physical, emotional, and mental health. They will crush your soul and use you to their advantage whenever they can. Here are some inside scoops about narcissists that you may not find anywhere else.

Part of me feels resistance when it comes to writing this article. I don’t want to give this relationship any more energy than I already have. At the same time, the engagement may allow one of you to find out about their own relationship and leave sooner rather than later.

I met M. when he appeared at one of my workshops on hypnosis. He arrived two minutes late and immediately I felt this strange attraction that I realized only exists between soulmates. At the end of the event, once everyone had left, he was still there. We talked about hypnosis and talked about his passions and astrology. I happened to have printed out my astrological chart the day before and gave it to him. We discussed how great it was to meet someone who was both scholarly and spiritual. He was single, two years younger, pleasant, intelligent, well-travelled, tall and successful. It made me feel special, beautiful and visible. We talked until midnight and the next day he came back with a composite chart of our planets showing their compatibility. I felt that way. We liked the same things. We were both from Europe. Both are looking for a fun and respectful relationship. We had crazy chemistry. We started dating right away.

The first months were great. Lots of travel. He loved to travel and had the means to take me with him. Road trips and flights: Napa, Vegas, Monterey, Death Valley, New Orleans, etc… It was magical. We’d play video games on the plane, watch movies, talk, or just do nothing. Everything was good when we were together, and I missed him terribly when we weren’t.

Unfortunately, our relationship was only part-time. He was recently fired and had a four year old to take care of forty percent of the time. He was also a high ranking executive and sometimes had to work long hours. I can understand all of that. What I couldn’t understand was why he wouldn’t talk on the phone instead of texting, why he would ignore me when I shared how terrified I was of his reckless driving, why when it came to picking a restaurant, he would turn down the only option to go with him later. Most of all, I couldn’t understand why I would feel so miserable being in a relationship with a man I loved, doing the things I loved. I felt like a spoiled child. There he is, taking me to amazing places, treating me like a princess and I was complaining because he drove too close for comfort? After all, he said, our planets were in perfect sync and we had this obvious instant connection.

As the months passed, I fell more and more in love and felt more and more overwhelmed. I was going from euphoria to miserable. One day he was the man of my dreams, and the next I knew I had to leave and leave quickly. He was never abusive, physical or emotional. At least, I can’t say that clearly. He was a busy man with a young daughter and could only give me what he could. I tried to talk to him, but he was the King of Avoidance. I felt used more than my loved ones.

After nine months of being in a relationship I finally decided to email him with a few points I wanted us to discuss… He played dead and I didn’t hear from him for the next 6 weeks. After I told him how much I missed him, he suddenly reappeared and tried to go back to things the way they were. The change was that I took the opportunity during those six weeks to reconnect with myself and become stronger.

When we started dating again, the old feelings came back, more so than ever. One day I was in love, and the next every inch of my body tense and ached. We planned a five day weekend to reconnect and I was looking forward to spending time in his arms, discovering new places, visiting wineries, walking on the beach and enjoying delicious meals together, but at the same time I wasn’t sure what to expect. From day one, my back was excruciatingly sore. Sciatica was part of my past, but I’ve barely had it since my divorce seven years ago. I would wake up coughing for no reason, and I knew it was always a sign of stress for me. I was on vacation in an amazing place and I was choking. When I mentioned it to him, his answer was that my planets were not in the best position to support me at that moment. By the end of the weekend, I asked the universe or God to send me a message, that is, a message to tell me what to do. My wish was granted.

If you feel trapped. Leave!

Our argument started from nothing: how to measure speed in the USA vs. Australia. For the first time, he honestly told me I was wrong and silly because I thought I was right. The word “narcissistic reaction” came to me and felt right. It seems he didn’t even know the word. She explained to him that he was someone who thought he was superior and always right and gave some examples of famous narcissists.

His reaction was startling: “Every male is strong that way.” I told him it hurt. His response was that it was not a problem for narcissists. Finally, you mentioned that people with this personality disorder often are because they are unable to feel emotions or empathy. What kind of feeling? Asked. “Love by example.” His words were “Love is a disease”. At that moment I knew I was done. A person who does not feel the beauty of love cannot be a part of my life.
I immediately broke up and spent the next weeks fighting with myself, avoiding contacting him to apologize for something I didn’t do.

After a few weeks this is what I realized:

11 Lessons I learned from living with a narcissist

1. No one is immune to narcissist attraction.
   I am a trainer and hypnotherapist. I have helped over a thousand clients recover from past trauma and increase their self-confidence. Many of my clients have been victims of narcissistic interactions. I am familiar with this pattern and it may be what allowed me to leave faster than most people. However, that didn’t stop me from being attracted to anyone. Narcissists can be the most charming of partners…in the beginning. Don’t be fooled.

2. Narcissists are actually attracted to partners who are smart, educated, strong, and sensitive.
   They love the chase, the game, and winning against all odds. There would be no pleasure in controlling prey that was already half dead. They tend to gravitate toward strong, confident women (or men). Their happiness comes from the challenge. As he put it during one of our conversations “Women want to be happy. Men want to win.” Let me translate: Loving people want to be happy; Narcissists want to win.
3. He gave me multiple hints. I chose to ignore them.
   During the eleven months we spent together, there were clues. Lots of clues. Why didn’t I see them? I don’t know. Our schedule was based on his calendar and his desires, never on a calendar basis. He never introduced me to his friends and actually told me he didn’t have any. Little by little, he cut me off from my friends. He told me we would always be in touch no matter what and that I had no choice. He even told me his mission on this planet is to be “God’s gift to women.” I thought he was joking. Apparently, he actually believed it and seemed surprised that I couldn’t see the truth in his statement.
4. He was never overtly mean or dismissive. Narcissists usually don’t do this until they know you’re hooked.
   He never told me I was wrong or ugly or stupid. On the contrary, he often told me that I was beautiful and smart. Although on the other end, he questioned my views. He blamed the “planets” for making me sad, tired, or unhappy. If he had criticized me, I would have seen it, but it was never my fault. Just Mercury retrograde causing misunderstandings or making the Moon empty of course makes things blurry. It is easy to recognize physical abuse. Emotional abuse can be hidden. Especially if you are a sensitive and caring person, you may be trying to justify unacceptable behavior. If you were hurt by what he said to ask yourself, what would be the equivalent if he used his hands instead of his words. If you feel violent. Leave!!!
5. My friends saw what I couldn’t see.
   I kept in touch with most of my girlfriends. I’ve obviously seen them less since we’ve been traveling quite a bit. Some told me to leave, most of them didn’t want to influence my decision. I knew I had their support no matter what. Talking to them allowed me to hear my words from another perspective. If your loved ones ask you to pay attention, pay attention. They want the best for you. And please stay in touch with the people you know have your back.
6. My body was telling me the truth.
   The pain in my body, the coughing, the backache, and the fatigue were all signs that something was off course. I just need to listen. My body had to scream really loud for me to hear but in the past, I’d wait until I got sick, so I guess that was progressing. If you’re in a relationship and get sick or overly tired for no apparent reason, your body may be telling you, you’re not getting along with yourself. He listens!
7. A narcissistic partner can be your soul mate.
   We got to know each other from the moment we met. There was this amazing attraction that only exists in a soulmate relationship. This does not mean that even though we should be together or stay together. We needed to learn from each other. Soulmate connections are there to help you grow. Some soulmate relationships are meant to last, and some don’t. I learned from this relationship that I could say no, that I was stronger than ever and that I loved myself too much to accept being treated in a way that didn’t feel good.
8. You can’t change it. I know I tried.
   M. was a narcissist or at least a man with strong narcissistic tendencies which means he loved himself first and was convinced he was right. I tried to ask, ask, argue, love, nothing worked. Not because my message wasn’t strong, but because he didn’t want to hear it. No one can change anyone against his will. Narcissists strongly believe they are right. Why would they change for you?

9. You can’t put them in their crate.
   He put this box in front of me. Perhaps if I acted happier, or said something smarter, or were kinder or more distant… he would like to like me. But no matter how I acted, he could not love me because the only person who was able to love him was himself. Such a fashionable style. I have tried to be in a similar box during my twenty years of marriage and most of my childhood with my mother. Once I recognized the pattern, I knew I had to leave. What is this box that you think you need to fit into? Is it your box? Who put the box in front of you the first time? Recognizing it will allow you to leave faster and possibly stop repeating the pattern.
10. If his heart is closed, it is not your job to open it.
    Speaking of the chest, look at its heart. Is she open, loving or connected? Or is it a metal box that no one can enter? The narcissist is incapable of true empathy, care, or love. He will be kind, gentle and generous only if it serves him. Most of the time, it is the way it is for very good reasons. If you are a sensitive and caring person, there is a good chance that you will want to help him open his heart. This is not your job. He will not open his heart to you. No one can change someone unless they want to. And he doesn’t want that. In his eyes, he is perfect the way he is.
11. The only way out is self-love.
    I couldn’t change him, and he didn’t care about my love. The only approval he needed was his own. Today, I realized that the only way out is to claim that I am worthy, valuable, and loved. I needed to be stronger than the doubt I had allowed to create in my mind. Today, I stop trying to fit into a fund that isn’t mine. It’s time to be free and smash the box. This is my life and I have the right to love and appreciate myself. Narcissistic reaction? No, I just know that I am enough and that in order to love others I must first love myself.

A few questions before we finish. Where are you in your relationships? In a box that is not yours or on top of it, they dance for joy? Do you love yourself more than anything else? Do you value your opinion, your feelings, and what your body is telling you? Do you love yourself enough to give up on someone who makes you doubt yourself?

It’s not easy. I still have moments when I’m one number away from calling him. But I know I deserve a great relationship with myself and I will banish anyone who tries to make me believe otherwise from my life. Your turn.