When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it’s only natural to expect that they’ll also be interested in making the relationship official. But what happens when no matter how “serious” they claim to be about you, the mere thought of commitment makes them run for the hills?

Is he a non-conformist man?

Perhaps you feel that you have met the person. However, he walked away soon after, leaving you in limbo. Did he meet someone else? Why is he running hot and cold? Do you have a future together? You wonder is this me? Is it? Is this a non-committal guy and if so why would I mess with him? And you’re wondering how do I deal with a non-committal man?

Maybe you’re tempted to get involved with a guy for a few months and then he always mysteriously walks away, leaving you on your own. Or you’ve been with a guy for 10 years who brings chicken soup when you’re sick, but he can’t say the L word and he’s a non-committal guy.

Or maybe you’re in a long-term, on-again, off-again relationship where one or the other periodically withdraws or sees other people. The whole thing can be very unsettling and emotionally uncertain.

Have you ever been in love with one man for months, or even years, only to find that he simply couldn’t or wouldn’t take the next step to live together or get married? Instead, he gets pissed off, turned away, angry, or simply hits the highway if there was ever any talk of sharing a future? If you’ve read this thus far, I know you’ve had at least one of these frustrating experiences with a guy.

Related: Is Boredom In Marriage A Cause For Concern? How To Fix It

5 Ways to deal with a non-committal guy

How to deal with a non-compliant person: Step 1: Understand your differences
It’s easy to assume that because you’ve been together for a certain period, sleep together, or see each other frequently, you’re exclusive or are moving toward a commitment to a shared future. Because of this assumption, you are letting yourself off the hook about the need to speak up.

You reassure yourself that everything is going well. You say to yourself, I certainly don’t want to rock the boat by talking and then tipping it over. But muting yourself is very dangerous. Your friend thinks completely differently from you.

Remember that men often view a committed relationship as a chokehold or a heavy burden. The woman will point to the man she was seeing as her boyfriend, while he might not even see her from afar on the court for being his girlfriend. She’s just someone he’s currently sleeping with. This kind of breakup can last a year or longer until he drops the “I’m not in love with you” bomb.

You cannot waste your very precious time in these murky gray waters. You deserve the love that you want in your heart. Coming from this place and when the time is right, you need to have a straightforward discussion with your lover. Love stems from an open and honest dialogue where talking, listening, and sharing take place.

How to deal with a non-committal guy Step 2: Speak your truth
This is something you must do for yourself. Because you’re the one feeling the pressure of time passing away and you’re the one who needs to know if he wants a future with you if he loves you if he wants a family or a baby with you. And you have to know sooner rather than later.

Not telling your truth is deadly. If you don’t, you will find a gradual erosion of your self-esteem and self-love, and a smoldering resentment that, over time, you will not be able to cover up. Turmoil is bound to seep in and poison your relationship until it eventually ends badly. So you have to muster up the courage to tell your truths.

As for your fear that any frank talk will drive him away: If a man matures, the opposite is true. Sincere talk where you are playful or casual will attract him and allow him to feel close to you. Only immature guys who aren’t ready for the real deal will be turned away by the talk.

That is, as long as you’re not bossy, needy, or bitchy. The key is communicating at the right time, in the right way, and avoiding common speaking mistakes women make.

Related: 8 Truths You Must Accept To Find True Love

How to deal with a non-committal guy Step 3: When to talk
Research tells us that the average time it takes a couple to transition from dating to a committed relationship with a future that includes living together or marriage is from nine months to three years. A study of 3,000 couples in the United Kingdom showed that the average length of courtship before proposing marriage was two years and 11 months.

All of this varies greatly from couple to couple. So there is no set time for The Talk to take place. But usually, if things go on in a non-committal state for more than a year or two, the relationship tends to go downhill. Especially if one of them is craving a more permanent commitment like marriage and the other is slowing down.

On the other hand, poorly timed or premature conversations can backfire. I’ve seen so many women rush into sex the first month and then insist “we’re exclusive now,” literally blowing everything out of the water.

Any relationship that transitions from casual to committed will have a series of conversations, not just one. Some discussions are appropriate for the early stages and some later in the relationship.

But before we get involved in any of them, let’s take a preliminary look at common mistakes and what not to say or do; how to lay the groundwork for these important conversations so you’re ready and grounded; And finally, how to lead conversations both in the early and later stages of the relationship so he listens.

How to deal with a non-committal guy Step 4: 13 common mistakes that make talking backfire
It is just as important to understand what to avoid as to know the elements of a successful speech. Here is a list of 13 common mistakes that can cause a non-committal man to become defensive, emotionally distant, and running for his life:

He keeps things for months, bending over backward to make things work, and then finally explodes into a fit of rage and blame.
Complaining about the relationship or saying critical things about him (how stupid you can be!) and what he’s doing wrong.
Throw out all your frustrations and upset feelings in an overwhelming flow.
He melts into tears and is the wounded bird he couldn’t survive without.
Collapsing into thinking you aren’t worthy, unworthy, or feeling bad about yourself.
Mute and withdraw until the truth is out of you.
Threatening to hurt or even kill yourself if he doesn’t come for you. This is the narcissistic or borderline approach to “the talk.”
Exaggerating his analysis or analyzing the problems between you. For example, tell him why he doesn’t feel what you want him to feel.
Making demands because it’s been a certain number of months or years and he “should move on with you.”
Beg, persuade, or talk to him about your liking or choice. Your life is so much better with me because…
Excessive focus on yourself and only talking about your feelings.
Bring up past issues, disappointments, or arguments.
Being empowered and bullied (You should! After all, you’ve done, you better…)
Having an eerily serious tone or tone in your voice.

First you become rooted

Making any of these mistakes will drive your man away. It will have the opposite effect of what you intend to achieve. (Unless your intention is to get lost – in which case you’ll succeed admirably.)

But if your goal is to listen carefully and engage you in an open, honest, loving conversation, prepare yourself to be grounded.

How to Deal with a Noncompliant Step 5: Lay the Groundwork for “The Talk”

There are several steps I would like you to take in preparation for dealing with a non-compliant person. First, identify any tendencies you have of making any of the 13 common mistakes in your conversations with him. Then, practice stopping yourself the next time you open your mouth and the drama of despair threatens to take over. Remember that despair and drama rarely have a place in healthy communication.

So when you’re talking to your partner and emotions start to get the better of you, keep your mouth shut so you don’t lose control. Then take a deep breath and imagine a big, bold red stop sign. When you calm down, immediately change the subject. Practicing the stopping technique will help you avoid indulging in your emotional outbursts. I promise they won’t get you anywhere good.

Related: Why You’ll Regret Losing The Woman Who Waited For You To Grow Up

Prepare with a love mentor or coach

If you have a love mentor, he or she can help you avoid accidentally turning your lover back. Be sure to discuss speaking with her beforehand so you have an emotional ally. They are more grounded and prepared. It will be much easier if you first voice your fears, work up your courage, gather your thoughts, and practice with your mentor. Before you do that to your man.

If you are struggling with a non-committal person, you can contact me today for a personal gift from me to you. As a PBS love expert, I’ve helped tens of thousands of women deal with similar issues and get the love they desire. My gift to you is that I will personally select one of our talented Love Mentors to help you deal with your unique challenges and get you into the relationship that is just right for you.