Narcissists live by a system built on an intense craving for attention and a preoccupation with appearances. Understanding this system can make the narcissists in your life less mysterious and more manageable.
The boasting, belittling, mood swings, suspicion, and deceit that characterize many narcissists are often driven by seven principles. These principles, which act as the “operating system” for narcissists, are mostly instinctive and subconscious:
- Image is everything.
Narcissists will do anything to look good. They will also ignore or fiercely attack anything that threatens to tarnish their image.
This is one reason why narcissists overreact when they feel insulted. They assume that others are so fascinated by them that they can only be admired or respected. When narcissists feel ignored or disregarded, their perfect self-image is called into question. This triggers a fear that they might not be as amazing or superior as they seem.
An excessive preoccupation with image is the reason why narcissists rarely apologize or admit their mistakes. Instead of seeing apologies or admissions as signs of strength, narcissists believe they demonstrate weakness. If they do admit their mistakes, they fear it will prompt others to question their own.
- Attention is essential.
Attention is what narcissists crave. When they feel heard, admired, or the center of attention, they feel satisfied and expansive. When attention is scarce, they experience withdrawal symptoms: irritability, depression, and an intense craving for their next fix.
Attention saves narcissists from the abyss of their own inadequacy. The eyes and ears watching them prove to them that they are special and worthy of attention. The children or adult spouses of narcissists often recall how they used to flaunt their vanity when they were the center of attention.
- Honesty is not a requirement.
Narcissists live in a parallel universe where being right is more important than being truthful. Self-interest, not authenticity, is what drives them.
Narcissists can appear incredibly convincing because they are enamored with their own words, ignore self-doubt, and avoid introspection.
Related : How to Manage a Narcissistic Partner
If narcissists were completely honest about how they deal with the truth, they might admit something like this:
“The truth is changeable. It’s what I say at that moment, and I’ll change it whenever it suits me. Speaking with absolute certainty makes me feel powerful and superior. Besides, it often convinces others.”
- Danger is everywhere.
It’s difficult to overstate how uncomfortable narcissists feel about themselves. They may not show it—they often act as if the world belongs to them—but deep down, they believe others are trying to humiliate or harm them.
Because narcissists see danger everywhere, they rarely seek open communication or reciprocal relationships. Their relationships are parasitic, not symbiotic.
Imagine what it would be like to live your life without the skills we all use to connect and cooperate. What would it be like if you rarely allowed yourself to ask for help or show vulnerability? What if you could never express sadness, loneliness, or fear? These are the ways we connect with others, soften our hearts, and overcome feelings of isolation.
Many narcissists lack an inner compass, defining themselves through opposition. They only feel truly alive when they are in opposition to others.
- Stability is exaggerated.
Driven by emotion and impulsivity, narcissists prioritize what captures their attention in the present moment. When they feel threatened or needed, they tend to disregard the long-term consequences of their actions. Their internal reality can shift so rapidly that they may struggle to recall what they said an hour or a day ago.
While this volatility can be unsettling for those around them, narcissists may see their mood swings as a valuable tool, keeping others perplexed.
- Self-reflection is unnecessary.
Narcissists generally don’t want to understand the reasons behind their actions. Self-reflection causes them anxiety because it might expose flaws or shame at the core of their narcissistic personality. They also fear that self-reflection will distract them from achieving their goals.
Narcissists’ lack of self-reflection makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for their irresponsible actions. Without acknowledging their actions, changing behavior becomes unlikely.
Ironically, despite narcissists’ outward show of strength and confidence, openness to self-reflection is a true measure of strength and confidence.
- Winning is a necessity.
One of the defining characteristics that distinguishes narcissists from most people is their lack of empathy. A narcissist’s life revolves around winning, often at the expense of others.
The sad truth is that narcissists often want you to do what’s best for them, regardless of the cost. Many narcissists believe that fairness or a win-win approach offers them little benefit. Instead, they tend to focus on credit and blame, winning and losing, and who is better and who is worse.
Narcissists often fail to recognize how much they are hurting others. Even if they do, they may not care. Some may even enjoy irritating others. Like a lonely or bored child who makes fun of their younger sibling just to get a reaction, annoying others can give a narcissist a sense of power or vitality.
Dealing with Narcissists
We can certainly empathize with people who have experienced emotional trauma during their development and who have developed narcissistic behavior. Narcissists constantly struggle against threats that undermine their self-confidence.
But if you expect empathy in return, dealing with narcissists can be frustrating.
To deal with narcissistic manipulation, it’s essential to recognize the distortions narcissists instinctively employ. Applying critical thinking skills can help you build resilience against their tactics.
When evaluating a relationship with or interacting with a narcissist, ask yourself:
What price am I paying to tolerate or accept narcissistic behavior?
What price might I pay for not being manipulated by the narcissist?
In either case, do the benefits outweigh the costs?
