One of the rare phrases you’ll hear from a narcissist is, “I’m sorry,” or “I don’t know.”

A narcissist might apologize when they feel threatened with losing their source of emotional gratification. But ultimately, their regret stems from the fear of losing that source, not from a feeling of having hurt anyone.

However, a narcissist cannot truly be ignorant. Admitting ignorance is an admission of inadequacy, an admission of shame. And when a narcissist touches upon the repressed shame stemming from childhood neglect, abuse, or exploitation, they are stepping on an emotional landmine.

As a result, narcissists never delve into self-knowledge or wisdom because truth and reality rarely touch their true nature. To avoid the risk of admitting ignorance, the narcissist creates an aura of absolute knowledge through their fabricated persona. The most ludicrous way they achieve this is simply by saying, “I knew it.” Even when our intuition tells us otherwise, we avoid pointless arguments and simply believe them, or ignore them. The most insidious way a narcissist protects themselves from their own ignorance is by drawing you into an argument or debate. While your primary goal in the discussion might be to get to the heart of the matter, the narcissist is looking for the following:

To avoid feeling ashamed.

To feed their ego.

To have negative feelings they want to get rid of.

Healthy Debate vs. Narcissistic Debate

A debate is the perfect arena for a narcissist to achieve the three goals mentioned above. First, a narcissist will neither accept nor add to your ideas. For every opinion you express, they will counter with an irrelevant one, or they will rephrase what you said and claim it as their own.

Related : Feeling Alive Again After Narcissistic Abuse

In a healthy debate, both parties seek the truth. One of them may admit their ignorance or express their objection and explain their reasons. When a narcissist sees value in others’ ideas, they accept and incorporate them before adding their own opinion to build upon the original idea.

A healthy debate fosters self-confidence. A narcissistic debate, on the other hand, is exhausting and infuriating.

The Endless Cycle Of Despair

A narcissist refuses to accept your ideas and instead engages in a pointless competition to outshine others. Eventually, your shame intensifies, and before you know it, you find yourself forced to defend yourself or try to outsmart the narcissist.

You feel intense shame, anxiety, and frustration. The distress becomes so overwhelming that you lose touch with reality, often leaving the situation feeling like you’ve been caught in a washing machine. Little did you know, you’ve sacrificed yourself on the narcissist’s altar.

Scape goat

The narcissist believes they are intellectually superior to you, so they don’t bother engaging in a narcissistic debate with you.

You might think you’re getting to the heart of the matter, or discussing profound ideas, but in reality, you’re merely a source of narcissistic gratification and an outlet for their negative emotions.

When the narcissist sees your anger, their sense of superiority swells like a high on cocaine. They relax and calm down while transferring their anxiety and pain to you.

At the end of the “debate” or “dialogue,” the narcissist feels relaxed and satisfied (thanks to their narcissistic supply), as if they’ve just had a massage. As for you, you leave the situation feeling anxious, nauseous, and distressed, in addition to emptiness and frustration.

Why You Fall into the Trap

When discussing any topic with a narcissist, consider your true intentions, and of course, theirs. What you might actually be seeking is:

To be right: Are you burdened by excessive shame from the past, driving you to try to regain your self-confidence by proving your point? Does proving your point actually boost your self-confidence?

To be the savior: Do you hope to change the narcissist by convincing them of your perspective? To be the one who “shows” the narcissist the “better” path to health and happiness?

The truth: You might simply want to hear the truth. If the truth will force the narcissist to see their flaws or shortcomings, you’re wasting your time.

Remember that narcissists rarely allow their true selves to be exposed to reality. Their fabricated persona acts as a protective wall. Therefore, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

Ultimately, you’re only sacrificing yourself, becoming fuel for the narcissist, wasting your frustrated energy to feed their narcissism, while absorbing all their negative emotions and pain.

The secret to discussing things with a narcissist lies in one simple thing: let go. Identify their behavior patterns, detach yourself, regulate your breathing, and look inward. The truth isn’t in your words, it’s within you.