The path to a narcissist’s self-awareness is a bumpy one, full of twists and turns.
First, a spark of awareness is needed. Most narcissists don’t bother to learn about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. They may simply know that narcissists boast and exaggerate their abilities. A narcissist might admit they are, but justify it by saying, “Well, what’s wrong with self-confidence? Many people boast. It’s better than being a silent failure.”
With awareness of narcissism and C-type personality disorders spreading like wildfire, many narcissists may have been labeled as such by ex-partners, friends, or family. With this, subtle cracks appear in the narcissist’s awareness, and the concept of narcissism begins to emerge.
Perhaps the narcissist comes across an article or researches the topic. Conversely, narcissists may be therapists or mental health professionals. They are thoroughly familiar with the terminology and concepts, and may be well-versed in the theories of Freud, Jung, Kornberg, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and others.
However, regardless of the path they take, all the narcissist possesses at this stage is theoretical knowledge of narcissism and a vague suspicion that they might be a narcissist.
Narcissism
The deeper we delve into understanding narcissism, the more complex it becomes. We know there are hidden narcissists lurking in the shadows, but we are probably unaware of their narcissism. How could they be aware of it?
Moreover, hidden narcissists often fall prey to overt narcissists in a mutually dependent, two-way relationship, becoming a pure source of gratification for their narcissism. If a hidden narcissist reads about narcissism, they will quickly see themselves as a victim of narcissistic abuse. And as time goes on, the more they delve into the subject, the more convinced they become that they are a victim. Their narcissism was buried deep within them, and now another layer of rubble has been added.
However, there is a path to enlightenment for the dependent, hidden narcissist. As they embark on the journey of recovery and healing, they gain immunity against further abuse. He begins to overcome the trauma, the devastating shame, and the guilt that accompanied his narcissistic relationship, and his self-confidence grows.
While his victim mentality persists, something else emerges. Covert narcissists are covert because they lacked the space and ability to express their narcissism. Perhaps they grew up in a narcissistic family or entered into a long-term narcissistic relationship at a young age. In any case, as they heal and recover, they gain the space and ability to become a visible version of who they truly are: narcissists.
As a result, this narcissist gradually transitions from covert to overt narcissism. Finally, the signs of his disorder emerge like weeds. The now-overt narcissist demands more attention, becomes more boisterous and vain, and is more exploitative and selfish, perhaps even engaging in psychopathic, goal-oriented behaviors.
The more the formerly covert narcissist insists on being seen by the world, the more the world resists him. Previously, delusions of grandeur were merely thoughts circulating in the narcissist’s mind. Now, as he strives to realize these delusions in reality, reality has an opportunity to challenge them. Despite his vehement denial, his behavior reveals his true nature. Ultimately, it reaches its climax.
The Narcissist Faces Reality
At this point in the story, the journey of the hidden narcissist intersects with that of the overt narcissist. Here, the narcissist has a string of idealized relationships that have been undervalued and then abandoned. He has been accused of abuse by many of his partners. He watches as his family and community members marry, settle down, and live relatively normal, problem-free lives (at least compared to his own). Age catches up with him. He feels like a character from the Twilight series; an immortal vampire feeding to survive while watching the mortal world pass him by.
Initially, the narcissist was fascinated by his disorder. This made him no different from any ambitious teenager or young adult, full of boldness and hope, eager to learn about and conquer the world.
Related : A Deep Dive Into The Narcissist’s False Self
Early love is very similar to the narcissist’s “love.” The first six months are magical, as the young lovers remain inseparable, showering each other with affection and idealizing their relationship to the point of self-annihilation. What could possibly be narcissistic about something so pure and romantic? But the narcissist is now approaching middle age and has just ended his last relationship. He looks back on the vibrant early months of their romance, and they don’t seem as glamorous and rosy as they once did. Perhaps it was a troubled and illusory relationship. A youthful infatuation is unbecoming of someone his age. Difficult questions arise as a disturbing feeling emanates from that deep, neglected cavern in the narcissist’s soul.
The Shadow Of Terrifying Reappearance
This is the part of the journey where the narcissist either accepts reality or descends into a permanent state of cynical and angry denial.
Narcissism is a compensatory strategy for a deep and complex psychological trauma. The narcissist likely suffered chronic neglect in childhood. Perhaps he was controlled and exploited by his parents. The narcissist was valued only on the basis of his actions or appearance. He likely experienced severe emotional abuse, or worse.
No child can bear this. So, the true essence of the child is pushed into the shadow of the narcissist, carrying with it all the trauma and pain. It remains there, repressed in the unconscious for decades, to be replaced by an inflated, idealized image called the false self.
We all want to feel normal, and to be seen as such by the world. Narcissists are no exception. During their lives, reality may pierce their false selves and expose some of their darker sides, bringing with it immense pain. Deep within their souls, the narcissist carries a toxic terror and shame. They carry the sorrow of a lost childhood, and the betrayal of those they loved most in life. To “know” you are a narcissist simply by reading a few articles and books is one thing; to confront the horror of this reality and unleash everything in your shadow is quite another.
Reaching_a_Crossroads
When faced with the truth, the narcissist may commit suicide. They may lack the will, the strength, or the support network necessary to explore and integrate their darker sides. Some narcissists reach a point in life where their false pride can no longer sustain them. They may grow old, or lose their wealth, appearance, and power. They may have exhausted everyone around them, either by rejecting, betraying, or demoralizing them to the point of leaving.
For many narcissists, there is no way forward and no way back. The path of illusions and fantasies is blocked, while the path to their true selves is blocked by a torrent of shame, horror, anger, guilt, and grief. The narcissist feels that delving deeper into their inner fire will consume them.
In such cases, the narcissist allows their denial to completely engulf them. They isolate themselves from the world, spending their final days consumed by thoughts of everyone who “betrayed” them. Many immerse themselves in a world of paranoid conspiracy theories.
The Narcissist Who Sees the Truth
In rare cases, an exceptional narcissist may emerge. As they become lost in their delusions and fantasies, a significant crack suddenly appears in this illusion. Perhaps this happens during the collapse of their last romantic relationship. A stroke of luck. A magical moment. A sign from fate. For a fleeting instant, the narcissist realizes their true nature. Consciousness visits them, and they see, for a moment, what lies beyond the illusion of their inflated, false self.
Having seen the truth, the narcissist cannot return to their former state. They are still a narcissist, but they have glimpsed what lies beyond. Thus begins their journey of learning and confronting their painful emotions. They undergo therapy and reluctantly accept the painful truths. They grieve. They confront and overcome their shame. They weep. They struggle. They bravely walk a rough, obstacle-ridden path toward their true selves, trembling and fearful, yet determined nonetheless.
They endure many dark nights.
Meanwhile, the narcissist continues to exhibit their narcissistic tendencies. However, over the years, his awareness grows. His patterns change, and he reluctantly accepts that he is not who he seemed. His arrogance fades, and his humility increases. He goes through difficult times, especially when confronted with the reality of his upbringing. He grieves for his lost childhood. He finds a way to cry for himself. He begins to examine his behavior and rid himself of his narcissistic tendencies. Eventually, after sufficient effort, the truth becomes fully clear to him, and he sees: I am a narcissist.
Instead of facing the horror of his reality at the gates of heaven, the conscious narcissist confronts it decades earlier. Some things change and shift with the passage of time, and some things do not. The narcissist learns to reconcile with himself and makes the best of his abilities.
This is the ideal scenario. In all other cases, this beautiful realization will never come. The delusional narcissist will never know his true self and will spend this life suffocating in his tangled and crumbling fantasy world, perhaps with a better chance in the afterlife.
