Those who fall under the spell of a narcissist tend to be captivated by what lies beneath their outward appearance. The overt narcissist usually appears vibrant, passionate, incredibly attractive, and self-assured. They are often impeccably dressed, with a perfect physique and polished body language, and always know what to say.
The covert narcissist, on the other hand, exudes mystery and intrigue. They only say what needs to be said and display a subtle curiosity about you. They may be quiet, intelligent, and have some quirky habits in their lifestyle and past that pique your interest.
The overt narcissist is adept at keeping you distracted by their dazzling, fabricated persona. The covert narcissist, however, finds it more difficult to maintain this facade, and with the aura of mystery surrounding them, they pique your inner curiosity, prompting the question: Who are you, really?
Crossing The Threshold Of The False Self
Narcissism, above all, is a compensation for inadequacy.
The building blocks of a truly integrated self are warmth, care, security, encouragement, and acceptance. In this acceptance, one shows love for you, seeing you at your most authentic, and yet loving you. This loving witness is what the narcissist lacked in childhood, leaving them with a terrible sense of fear, shame, and self-loathing.
The true self needs a witness. Not just any witness, but a higher, all-knowing, divine witness. In adulthood, we can offer this witness to ourselves. The enlightened person recognizes their divine self, a consciousness that not only sees and observes the true self but also accepts and encourages it. In childhood, we don’t possess this capacity—it belongs to the parents.
The narcissist is formed in the absence of this accepting and loving presence. Even if the parent constantly interacts with the narcissistic child, they don’t truly see them. Instead, the parent becomes immersed in a false, unrealized, and traumatized self, which produces a distorted image of their child. Everything happens within the parent, including the child’s life. Instead of interacting with the child as they are, the parent interacts with them as they “should” be.
Related : A Deep Dive Into The Narcissist’s False Self
Submissive or dominant, quiet or loud, small or large, worthless or confident—it doesn’t matter where the parent places the child on this spectrum; the crucial factor is that they are projecting a non-existent persona onto them. When an authoritarian parent portrays their child as submissive, quiet, small, and worthless, a hidden narcissist is born. When a narcissistic parent elevates their child and encourages them to be dominant, loud, strong, and self-assured, an overt narcissist is born. Yet, in both cases, the child’s true, authentic self receives no attention or love.
What is often overlooked is the impact this has on the child. The reason a narcissist creates a false self is to compensate for a lack of development in their real self. Because their real self is treated as insignificant, the narcissistic child creates a magnificent substitute in their false self, which they perceive as more important and superior.
A Deep Dive into the Essence of the Narcissist
If we could use a magnifying glass to see beyond the narcissist’s mask and reach their true essence, what would we find?
Perhaps we would find the following:
Bitter Anger: As a result of abuse, neglect, and marginalization, and without the ability to object, the narcissist carries within them a repressed anger from childhood, buried deep inside. This anger often erupts suddenly in random moments when their false facade is provoked or challenged.
Toxic Shame: The narcissist’s true essence has been utterly rejected, creating an ocean of shame. Moreover, because a certain role has been imposed upon them all their life, the narcissist has never been able to live up to expectations. Remember, this role is based on the whims of their parents, not on reality. This toxic accumulation of shame is so painful that it is impossible to acknowledge. Yet, it exists, like oil beneath the sands of the Arabian Desert.
Aridity: The narcissist’s true self is like a sponge that absorbs nothing. Like a barren desert, a narcissist can only absorb a very small amount of experience. Imagine a desert that receives a light rain and quickly dries up. This is why a narcissist is incapable of genuine growth; they absorb so little into their soul. While their sharp mind may quickly grasp facts, their true self remains unchanged. This is also why narcissists possess cognitive empathy, not genuine empathy.
Finally, the following may be missing from the core of a narcissist’s being:
Love, joy, and positive emotions: Because they lack true relaxation and tranquility, narcissists have rarely experienced joy and abundance in their existence. As a result, narcissists are often emotionally cold and simply lack the capacity for contentment or happiness. They rarely laugh wholeheartedly, soften, or cry. This stems from the barren nature of their true selves, which were not nourished with care, love, and appreciation in their childhood.
Above all, the core of a narcissist is defined by deficiency. A narcissist is like a plant left unwatered for months. No matter how much you water it, it will never be the same. With constant watering, some branches of the dead plant might sprout a few small buds, while the rest remains barren and brown.
It’s the same with a narcissist. Through awareness, physical therapy, psychotherapy, and other forms of treatment, including psychedelic drugs, parts of the narcissist’s true self can be revived and revitalized, breathing new life into them. But don’t expect the entire organism to suddenly flourish and become a complete human being. That’s for the next generation.
