It’s hard to know if your parent is a narcissist. All you know is how they act. It’s normal for you, especially since you’ve known them since you were young.

It’s normal to feel things about your parent. Even if they weren’t the best, they raised you. So, it can be hard to recognize and admit that they’re narcissistic.

I was raised by one narcissistic parent and one non-narcissistic parent. It took me a long time until I was an adult before I realized how strange this upbringing was. I kind of knew at the time, but I didn’t fully grasp the extent of it.

Here are some signs I’ve noticed that a parent is narcissistic. Try to spot any of them…

Narcissistic Parents Compete With You

Narcissistic parents blur the lines between parent and child. They compete with their children.

A normal parent takes pride in their children’s accomplishments. They’re happy to grow up to be handsome, smart, and competent young men.

But narcissistic parents see this as a challenge to their own superiority. They want to be the best. So they criticize their children’s achievements, comparing them negatively to their own exaggerated victories.

You might think it’s their clumsy attempt to encourage you to work harder. No… they’re just competing with you. Despite being their children, narcissists still want to be the best.

Narcissistic Parents Treat You Differently In Public

Narcissistic parents belittle their children in private for the reasons I just mentioned. But in public, they treat you differently. They’re attentive, positive, and encouraging. This can be confusing for the child, of course.

The reason they do this is because it’s more important to them to be seen as a good parent, not to be one. They’re happy to show off their competence in public, but they don’t care about it privately.

In their view, there’s no point in being kind without an audience. They’re only kind because they want others to admire them for being good parents.

They_Don’t_Care_About_Your_Dreams

Narcissistic parents see their children as an extension of themselves, a service to them. The child’s dreams and ambitions are worthless.

Related : How Narcissists Cause Others To Fight

Narcissistic parents may have excessive expectations of their children. They don’t encourage them to achieve their dreams, but rather encourage them to do what they are told and do what makes them look good. “None of my children will be actors. You’ll be doctors.”

Either_Controlling_Or_Neglecting

There are two types of narcissistic parents. One type constantly interferes in your life, and another type is neglectful and detached. This depends on how focused they are in their lives.

If they are focused on their work, social life, etc., they often don’t have enough time to focus on you. But if they have a void in their lives and are bored, they may focus too much. They become controlling and bossy.

Related : Why Narcissists Disappear Then Reappear

Narcissistic parents may alternate between these positions, depending on what’s going on at the time. They forget about you and belittle you when they have too much going on. They control you and over-parent you when they don’t.

Your Achievements Were Because Of Them

Narcissistic parents like to take credit for their children’s accomplishments. If you listen carefully, you’ll find that they praise themselves instead of the child. Yes, their children’s accomplishments are theirs.

“Yes, he inherited his analytical mindset from me.”

Sometimes it seems like they’re praising their children. But really, they’re bragging. They often try to outdo other parents. Look at their actions toward you, not what they say to others.

They Had A Favorite

Narcissistic parents often have a “favorite child.” A clear favorite.

The golden child gets positive attention, gifts, and praise. Ten pictures of them in a special place in the living room. Only one of the other children, hidden in a dusty corner.

The golden child does no wrong and lives by different rules than the rest of their siblings.

They_Pull_Their_Children_Against_Each_Other

Narcissistic parents often pit their children against each other. Sometimes they stir things up just for fun. Narcissists love the sense of power they gain by stirring up conflict. They happily do this between their children.

They also do this as a divide-and-conquer tactic. Narcissists want to be in control, and they know they have more power if their children divide.

A narcissistic parent may bribe their “golden child” to inform on the others. The golden child doesn’t want to lose their golden status, so they obediently comply.

The other children compete to become the golden child. The narcissistic parent sits there dangling the carrot, pulling the strings.

Narcissists Make Their Child Need Them

Narcissistic parents don’t want children who are self-reliant and empowered. Rather, they want their children to need them. This way, they’re always available to provide attention.

Narcissistic parents don’t teach their children life skills; instead, they belittle them and diminish their self-esteem. Some pamper them to the point of losing their skills.

Related : How To Cope With Narcissists At Work

They want their children to be needy, shy, and withdrawn. Then they criticize them for being “useless,” which makes them feel powerful. Furthermore, they know they won’t overdo it. Those who lack self-esteem are more controllable.

Some narcissistic parents help their children save money. But this is a trick. It’s about controlling money.

Narcissistic parents control their money under the guise of “taking care of it” for them. They use this as leverage if they dare to consider things like marriage, leaving home, etc. They have the power to deprive them of their money. A power they will certainly use.

Some parents play the victim role with their children, exploiting their age or illness to keep them around. They deprive their children of a fulfilling life of their own to keep them around to meet their needs.

You Listen To Their Problems

In normal parent-child relationships, the parent often listens to the child’s problems and is available to offer emotional support when needed. But with a narcissistic parent, the situation is often reversed.

The child’s role is to listen to their parents’ problems. The narcissist, despite being the parent, still makes this relationship all about them. I must have spent thousands of hours in the past listening to my parents’ problems at work!

Do As I Say, Not As I Do!

Narcissistic parents are rarely good role models. They spend a lot of money, drink too much, stay up late, and do whatever they want. But they preach the exact opposite.

Narcissists don’t care about teaching their children good behavior. They know that talking politely is easier said than done.