Triangulation is when a narcissist pits two or more people against each other. They control things and reap the benefits.
A classic example of this is when a narcissist intentionally stirs up trouble between two people until they fight. The narcissist then acts as a confidant for both, receiving numerous benefits.
The benefits of triangulation are usually control, attention, and favors. They also enjoy it immensely.
Over the years, I’ve observed narcissists use several triangulation tactics. If you recognize them, you can better anticipate them and understand what they’re up to.
Here are some of the triangulation tactics I’ve observed, as well as some tactics to help you neutralize them…
Introduce A Friend
During a romantic relationship, a narcissist may befriend someone they admire. This serves several purposes.
They hint that your relationship isn’t going well and give subtle signals that they might be romantically interested in you. This often earns them favors, such as drinks, meals out, gifts, etc. And of course, watch out!
If you say anything, the narcissist relishes your jealousy and insists that they’re “allowed to have friends.”
Narcissists love your jealousy; it proves their importance.
Related : 10 Signs Your Boss Is A Narcissist
They also feel powerful and in control, which makes you feel that way and keeps you on your toes.
The narcissist uses this friend as a subtle threat to show you that they have options. So it’s best to do as they’re told and treat them like royalty.
They’re also looking for a reaction. They want you to be jealous. Then they can use your alleged jealousy as an excuse for whatever they’re doing wrong. So, don’t respond if you can.
The Golden Child
Narcissistic parents often have a golden child. This is the child who does no wrong. They get the best gifts, praise, and attention. But this comes at a price.
The golden child is expected to side with the narcissistic parent in everything. They are often sent to spy on their siblings. The golden child doesn’t want to lose their golden status, so they do as they are told.
The narcissistic parent throws the golden carrot at the rest of their siblings, enticing them to compete. Maybe you’ll be my next golden child?!
This creates a situation of “divide and conquer.” Siblings fight among themselves for the golden status, and the narcissistic parent pulls the strings.
If you’re in this situation, you need to build unity among your siblings. This way, you’ll all benefit, and you’ll no longer be subject to your parents’ wishes. Get together and talk about what they’re doing. Learn not to give in to anger and fight among yourselves.
Compliment Others
A narcissist may compliment someone on qualities they want to encourage in you. For example, they may lavish praise on you for their generosity.
This is intended to arouse your jealousy and compete with the generosity of others. Of course, there’s only one winner!
Narcissists also compliment others as a way to indirectly insult you. “My friend is probably the smartest person I know,” suggesting that you’re not.
But it’s hard to expose them. They’ll deny it, arguing that they can compliment their friend if they want. They might even accuse you of being crazy and jealous.
It’s usually best to ignore it and act as if nothing was said. Then you don’t feed their provocative behavior, because they want a reaction. And of course, they want your generosity. So don’t respond, and don’t be any more generous than you would otherwise be.
Criticize Someone Other
Narcissists sometimes criticize others as a way to criticize you indirectly.
For example, they might criticize a friend who has a low-paying job, knowing you earn a similar salary. “He needs to get a decent job.”
This isn’t a slip of the tongue. They know what they’re doing. And, of course, it’s easy to deny that they were just making fun of you.
Narcissists also criticize others to pressure you into doing things. For example, they might want to borrow money. Instead of asking you, they criticize a friend for not lending them money. They exaggerate their own awfulness for not helping a friend in need.
This puts pressure on you to offer your help. While they didn’t say anything bad, they implied bad things if you didn’t comply.
This is a subtle way to force you to do their bidding. But again, it’s hard to call them out.
In this case, I pretend I didn’t pick up on their hint. I didn’t offer to do what they implied. This usually isn’t a problem.
They Triangulate You With Themselves!
Narcissists are so cunning, they triangulate you with themselves! Maybe this isn’t technically triangulation. But it’s my blog, so I’ll share it!
I’ve heard narcissists criticize themselves in ways that hurt others. Let me give you an example…
A narcissist might describe themselves as a “real loser” because they’ve been single for three months, even though they know you’ve been single for six.
They’re calling themselves that, but they’re really calling you that.
Related : How Far Does A Narcissist Push You?
What do they gain from this? They feel empowered by their insults. They also undermine your self-esteem. This increases your ability to control yourself in the future. Someone with low self-esteem is more likely to put up with their bullshit.
Again, I usually act like I didn’t notice this “insult.” And everything is usually fine. Just roll your eyes (in your mind) and don’t take it personally.
Narcissists Encourage Bullying
Another triangulation tactic is to encourage bullying. This is usually followed by the most overt narcissists.
In group situations, the narcissist may decide to attack someone for some reason. Perhaps as punishment for not doing what they’re told, or because they feel threatened by the bully.
They bully that person in front of everyone. Then they encourage someone else to join in. This puts that person in a vulnerable position. They may not want to be bullied. But they know that if they don’t, they could be next.
“Oh, you’re just as bad as them, aren’t you?” Some people end up joining in the bullying for the sake of an easy life.
Then, cleverly, the narcissist steps back and watches the drama unfold. Minutes later, they forget how it all began. The narcissist disappears from the scene, as if he or she had nothing to do with it.
A good way out of this situation is to make a joke, then change the subject. Preferably to something you know the narcissist wants to talk about—about themselves! That way, you’re not forced to join in the bullying.
“Ah, we don’t want to upset the poor guy. Anyway, tell me about that book you’re writing.”
This diffuses the awkward moment. But the narcissist isn’t offended either, so they won’t get angry.
Exaggerate_the_Mistake
A narcissist may feel threatened by a friendship with two people. They may suspect one of them is outing them. Or they may want to be that person’s only friend, so they try to drive a wedge between them.
One tactic I’ve seen is for the narcissist to find a flaw in the person and make them appear worse than they really are.
For example, they may have a bad habit of forgetting to reply to texts. A flaw, yes, but it’s not a barrier to friendship. The narcissist seizes this opportunity and complains about it constantly.
For weeks and months, they repeatedly complain about this “flaw,” using provocative and emotional language. Their goal is to upset you.
I can’t believe they’re ignoring you again. It was your birthday last week. They’re being so mean to you. I don’t know why you’re putting up with this.
They’re blowing things out of proportion, trying to convince you that a simple mistake is worth a fight. And because they repeat their message so insistently and emotionally, it can be convincing.
Just remember to keep things in perspective. Nod and make a joke like, “Yeah, they’d lose their heads if they weren’t screwed on!”
That way, you won’t offend the narcissist by disagreeing with them. But you won’t call your other friend, either.
Narcissists Complain About “Unfairness”
A narcissist may find someone obedient and often side with them. Then they listen to some “unfairness.” Teasing them out, and watching them go!
The unfairness can be real, made-up, or exaggerated. A narcissist complains about someone mistreating them, then simply watches them fight for it.
For example, they might want their partner to buy them a new car, but insist they can’t afford it right now. The narcissist then complains to their partner’s mother about her refusal to buy them a car and how unfair they are. They usually make the situation look worse than it actually is.
Related : How Narcissists Cause Others To Fight
Then they simply watch their partner’s mother do the dirty work for them.
If a narcissist complains to you about an injustice, listen politely and agree if necessary. But don’t fight for them; it’s likely you yourself are suffering the injustice.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists love a good triangulation. They create confusing, complicated, and conflict-filled situations.
In the midst of this storm, they surreptitiously take control and influence people. All for their own benefit.
Narcissists gain favor and attention, as well as the thrill of manipulation and conflict.
It’s hard to win with narcissists. If you confront them, they act like you’re at fault and never admit what they’re doing.
The best tactic is usually not to engage emotionally. This doesn’t satisfy their need for attention and drama. They often get bored and stop engaging.
