Narcissists spend a large portion of their lives either controlling others or planning to do so. Over time, they develop numerous strategies. Some are overt and aggressive, while others are more covert and subtle.

Here’s a list of common tactics narcissists use to control people. Once you master them, you’ll be better prepared…

Narcissists Use Compliments

Most narcissists realize that compliments get them what they want. It’s common for them to resort to the “love bomb” at the beginning of a relationship—whether romantic or platonic.

The “love bomb” is when they use excessive flattery and flattery for a period of time. Their goal is to impress you. In romantic relationships, to make you fall in love with them. They often tell you how smart you are, how amazing you look, how you’re a soulmate, and so on.

Once they feel captivated, the compliments stop. They were merely a means to an end.

They may occasionally give you casual compliments if they feel they’ve overdone it, or if they want something from you.

Narcissists Press You To Make A Decision

Narcissists love to push you into a decision and pressure you. They know you’re more likely to agree if you haven’t thought it through thoroughly.

They don’t care whether you want to offer the favor, or whether it’s convenient. They just want to get it done.

Related : Why Narcissists Lie When They Breakup

I’ve noticed that narcissists rarely send messages asking for a favor. They prefer to call you or show up at your door. This puts more pressure on you to agree.

When they do text, I’ve noticed narcissists send messages like, “Are you free?” or “What are you doing?” They’re intentionally vague. They ask if you’re free, which gives you less of an excuse to decline. So, if they send you a message like this, tell them how busy you are!

Narcissists Undermine Your Self-Esteem

Narcissists often belittle others, especially in romantic relationships. They love to undermine your self-esteem.

Narcissists realize that people with low self-esteem are easier to control. If you feel worthless or unattractive, you’re more likely to put up with their behavior. You don’t feel you deserve better.

You also don’t believe you’ll ever find someone else. Narcissists like you to think their bad behavior is the best you can expect.

Narcissists can be patient and spend years gradually undermining your self-esteem.

Narcissists Use Punishment and Reward

Some narcissists use punishment for behaviors they want to discourage and reward for behaviors they want to encourage.

Punishments may include silence, bad temper, withholding relationships or affection, humiliation, threats, withholding money, etc.

Rewards are usually the opposite—affection, flattery, money, gifts, etc.

Narcissists hope to condition you into the behaviors they want. Basic psychology shows that conditioning works.

Narcissists Play The Victim

Narcissists love to play the victim. They like to create a situation where you feel they can’t live without you, and where you feel responsible for their care.

Then you feel guilty when you don’t comply with their demands. For example, a narcissistic friend might feign depression or suicidal thoughts to get attention. “I need to see you right now. I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t come.”

Once they learn that you feel responsible for them, they take advantage of it.

Choice

Narcissists often choose people they perceive as more controllable when choosing their friends or partners. They typically tend to control and dominate their relationships. Therefore, they choose someone who is more likely to allow them to do so—the more permissive and giving type.

If narcissists continue to pull you into your life, you may need to tighten your boundaries.

Convince You To Move To Area

Narcissists often convince their partners to move to a new area, away from their friends and family. This way, you spend more time with them. Consequently, they have a greater influence over you.

It also makes you more dependent on them. Having fewer friends or family around makes you need them even more. And they know this.

Isolating You From Friendsand Family

If narcissists don’t push you out of the area, they have other ways to isolate you. They may convince you to quit your job. Or they may make you extremely jealous when friends and family visit.

This is a particular favorite of narcissistic men: getting their partner pregnant. This accomplishes two things…

First, your freedom is inherently restricted once you have a child. Narcissistic men rarely take responsibility for childcare. So, you’re limited in where you can go and what you can do.

Second, it’s difficult to cut a narcissist out of your life after you have children. Narcissists know that even if you break up, they can walk out of your life whenever they want, “for the sake of the children.”

Repetition

Narcissists often use repetition to get their messages across.

For example, a narcissist may feel threatened by a particular friend of yours. Therefore, they will repeatedly criticize him for any mistakes they find.

Over time, this becomes ingrained in your mind. Especially if these messages are repeated daily for years. Eventually, they internalize it.

Intimidation

Narcissists often use intimidation as a control tactic. They may use hints, such as “God knows what I would do if you ever left me,” or more direct threats.

A fearful person is more likely to do what they are told. If a narcissist smells fear, they exploit it.

Bad Mood

Narcissists often get into a blatantly bad mood. This creates a sense of caution and wariness among people.

They know that people feel uncomfortable when they are in a bad mood. They try to please narcissists to improve their mood. This makes them more controllable.

Narcissists Exploit Religion

Those who call themselves “religious narcissists” are perfectly willing to abuse their beliefs to control others. They may use verses in their Bible to explain why you should do something, twisting them to suit their desires.

Related : How To Get The Best Out A Narcissist

Some make up what is supposed to be written, relying on your ignorance or scrutiny. If you challenge them, you’ll find yourself caught in a vicious cycle.

Religious narcissists are quick to drag you down when you don’t adhere to their religion. But they’re more lenient when it comes to themselves. At least when they think no one is watching. Watch what they do, instead of listening to what they say!

Self Manipulation

Some narcissists deliberately use self-manipulation as a form of control. Here, they force you to question your own perception of reality.

For example, a narcissist may insist you didn’t see them leave the bar, when you clearly did. They stick to their version of events even if you clearly saw each other.

Some narcissists deliberately use psychological manipulation. They know they can get away with it if they can manipulate you into questioning your perception of reality. All they have to do is point out, “You always forget things” or “You always think you saw things.”

Some narcissists use psychological manipulation unintentionally or recklessly. They do so through denial, blame, or lying. They may not be intentionally trying to change your perception of reality, but their constant deception has the same effect.

Final Thoughts

Narcissists spend years developing and refining their manipulation techniques. Some become super-experts. By learning their common manipulation techniques, you can easily spot them.

Nice people like you and me may find it hard to believe that people intentionally manipulate in such devious ways. Especially with those they are supposed to be “loved.” But trust me, they do!

I naively thought that people didn’t behave like this. I ignored my instincts. But I learned a hard lesson.

Narcissists will look you in the eye and lie if it gets them what they want. They don’t care if you’re their “closest person” or the damage they cause.

Listen to your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is.