Narcissists develop a range of techniques to control and manipulate others. Argumentation is one of their most important tools.

Narcissists know that most people hate conflict and do their best to avoid it, while others don’t mind it. In fact, some narcissists actually enjoy conflict, giving them a significant advantage.

Narcissists lack emotional empathy, so they don’t feel the pain of others. This allows them to sleep soundly after a heated argument because they don’t feel bad about the hostility and hurt they cause.

However, they know that you have emotional empathy and that you feel bad after an argument, and this lasts for days, affecting your mood and even your sleep.

Narcissists cling to power and exploit this dynamic to their advantage. This is how narcissists use arguments, and the threat of arguments, to their advantage…

To Achieve Their Wants

Narcissists don’t want equal relationships. They want dominance. And arguments contribute significantly to that.

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Anything you do that they don’t like turns into an argument. Because narcissists believe relationships should be for their benefit alone.

When faced with a disagreement, you’ll likely back down and let them have their way. Because going to an Italian restaurant instead of an Indian restaurant isn’t worth fighting over. Not for most people. But for a narcissist, it is.

Narcissists have a pathological need to control and dominate relationships. They plot and plan ways to achieve this.

Narcissists will even argue about things they don’t particularly want. Just to prove a point. To establish themselves as the boss…

Establish Themselves As Boss

Once narcissists learn that they can dominate through argument, they repeat the words. Because they have a formula for success in mind.

Over time, you’ll learn to back down more and more. Because you’re tired of arguing. And you know they’ll fight to the end.

After a while, narcissists won’t need to fight. Because you’ll give in anyway. And when you discover it’s not worth it, it’s not worth it.

This establishes narcissists as the undisputed boss of the relationship. Because whatever they say goes.

After a while, they get used to this dynamic. And so do their partners. It becomes almost a written rule that they always get what they want.

Punishment

Narcissists often use Pavlovian tactics to gain compliance: punishment and reward. Argumentation is often their preferred method of punishment.

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You might be punished with an argument if you don’t have food on the table when they come in, or if you overcook your vegetables.

If you do as you’re told, you might be rewarded with quiet time. Maybe even some kindness. For now.

Narcissists often leave their partners feeling like they’re on a “probationary period.” They feel like they constantly have to prove themselves. Even when things are calm and harmonious, the risk of an argument is never far away. This is designed to keep them on their toes.

To Feel Powerful

Narcissists love to feel powerful. They love it when people around them act very cautiously. Because it demonstrates their power in their minds.

Narcissists sense when you’re afraid of an argument. They love it because it feeds their illusions of superiority.

So they may hint that they’re about to start an argument, just to push you back. Make you squirm. Then they strut, feeling like the king of the world.

The threat of an argument is often more terrifying than the argument itself. Narcissists exploit this tension. They keep their partners guessing… and in retreat.

To Keep You Anxious

Narcissists sometimes start arguments out of nowhere. Suddenly, over something trivial. And there’s a sinister reason behind this…

Narcissists don’t want you to be calm. Because a calm, confident person is hard to control. They want you to be scared and anxious. Then you’ll be more likely to do what they tell you to do.

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That’s why narcissists may start sudden, unexpected arguments. For no reason or logic, they’ll keep you on edge all the time. You never know when or why they might turn on you.

After a while, you learn to always anticipate arguments because you never know when they’ll happen. This keeps you in a state of anxiety that drives you to either fight or flight.

Dominance_Display

Narcissists use arguments to demonstrate their dominance. They may bully someone in front of others to demonstrate their power.

Narcissists typically pick on the weakest person in the group and harass them in public.

This not only demonstrates their “control” over that person, but also serves as a warning to others, suggesting that the same thing will happen to them if they behave inappropriately.

Tactical_Reasons

Narcissists use arguments for other tactical reasons. For example, if they don’t want their partner to go out with their friends, they may cause an argument.

Narcissists often cause an argument just before their partner is due to go out. They make sure they are as upset and frustrated as possible. Then they won’t be in the right frame of mind to socialize with friends. So, they stay home. Job done.

A narcissist may also use arguments as a distraction, especially if they’ve made a mistake.

If a narcissist confronts you about something, they often make counterclaims, even if they have nothing to do with the original complaint.

This takes the attention away from themselves and their behaviors and projects it onto you. This obscures what you initially confronted them about, as it gets lost in the toxic debate.

Getting Attention

Narcissists also create attention-grabbing arguments. There are two common instances in which they do this.

The first is to steal the spotlight from someone else. For example, if they’re at someone else’s party, they often feel jealous because they want to be the center of attention.

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So they may create an argument just to steal the spotlight. Because everyone notices the argument and talks about it long after the event is over, they may also create an argument if they want to get someone’s attention. This is especially true if they’re distancing themselves from the narcissist.

Narcissists need attention most of the time. If they don’t get it, they may create an argument to force it. Because during an argument, they get their full attention, even if it’s negative. For a narcissist, negative attention is better than none at all.

Narcissists sometimes use these arguments to get back into other people’s lives. Arguments open up communication channels. And when things cool down, they can extend an olive branch. They can come back into your life.

Conclusion

Arguments are a useful tool for most narcissists. The mere threat of them is often enough to get what they want.

Some narcissists love arguments. They get excited and energized, which energizes them. The rest of us feel drained. But even if they don’t like arguments, they have a much lesser impact than most people, due to their lack of emotional empathy.

This means you suffer much more from arguments than the narcissist. And they take advantage of this.

In general, it’s best not to get into arguments with narcissists, if possible. Because they usually benefit from them; they punish you, not them.

Instead, try to stay calm and rationally communicate your point. Then watch as they try to provoke you into an argument. Because that’s what they’re likely to do.

Narcissists want to turn things into a confusing, toxic mess. They know they’re being irrational. And staying rational reveals this.

If you stay calm, you win. Because the narcissist failed to distract you with an argument. They failed to punish you with the inevitable bad feelings after things calm down.