As I reach a more painful, but pivotal, point in my journey with my narcissistic personality, I’ve realized a few things. I think he’s telling me, as a narcissist, when he starts a new treatment.
He told me on the phone last night that his former treatment coordinator called him, and he’s so proud of her for becoming a nurse, and he paid for her to go to nursing school. He said she’d contacted him (I remember him telling her a few months earlier that she’d texted him, and that he thought she was amazing) about her daughter’s internship at his dental office.
He then told me he still owed her a dinner for all the hard work she’d done for him in the past. I thought this was totally inappropriate, since she hadn’t worked for him in eight years, and then I thought, “What a cunning arrangement!” So I don’t think it was anything more than a simple thank you.
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But I told him it sounded more like flirting than a thank you. He raised his suspicions, saying, “I’m really upset, do you think? I’m hanging up.” Because I’m anxiously attached to him, I went to his house to try to defuse the situation. He assured me he’d take her out to dinner, and it was simply “Jenkins!!!” (that’s her last name). I looked her up on Facebook, and she’s definitely single, and she appears in a lot of sexy photos.
Hi Chrissy. Yes, it’s definitely inappropriate for him to take her out to dinner while he’s in a relationship with you. If he really wanted to, he would have invited you!
He also clearly wasn’t considerate of your feelings, which shows a lack of empathy. He attacked you when you expressed your concern, which is not something a caring partner would do.
He also punished you for not agreeing by hanging up on you. If you suffer from anxious attachment, he definitely knows this and uses it to his advantage. Narcissists often try to set different rules for themselves. They often act arrogant and think they can hide in plain sight. But I bet he wouldn’t be happy if you did the same and invited a man over for dinner!
It’s unclear whether he’s cheating on me, planning to, or simply enjoying the attention. All three scenarios provide support. But what he’s doing is definitely not okay!
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The second part of your question sheds more light on this…
Recently, my narcissist has increased his level of abuse toward me after seeing how far he can go. What makes him yell at me or insult me for not doing what he needs right? It’s so humiliating that I can’t describe the fear and anxiety it evokes.
For example, over the weekend, he asked me to help him set up a huge TV. I could barely hold him down as he slammed it down and dropped the screws on the floor. While his son was sitting on the couch playing a game where he killed a man in a hot air balloon, he barked at me to find the screws he’d dropped.
I found two, and he asked where the third one was. I looked around and said it wasn’t on the floor. “Okay, find it!!!!” he demanded! I started sweating because I couldn’t see it anywhere. “It’s not here. I don’t know what you want me to do?” I said submissively.
“Keep looking until you find it.” My heart was pounding. I was angry and scared of letting him down, and at the same time, what I feared most of all happened. “Forget it!!! I’ll have to call someone else who can really help me.”
Suddenly, he said, “There it is” (I think he’s been saying that phrase the whole time). He finished installing the TV, then his behavior changed when he gave his eight-year-old son the drill he’d used and let him drill holes in the foam panels everywhere. It was terrifying, with foam flying everywhere. He thanked me as if nothing had happened.
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Hi Chrissy, it sounds like he was setting you up to fail. All to belittle you and make you feel like a big man. And there may be more to it…
You mentioned the TV was heavy, but it looks like you could barely lift it. Which he wasn’t expecting! Maybe that’s why he dropped the screws. And as you pointed out, he may have withheld one to send you on a fool’s errand. He’s setting you up to fail.
Narcissists love to feel powerful and above other people. Especially with their partners. If you’re anxious and your heart is pounding, he must have noticed. And it’s likely the response he wanted. It made him feel powerful, in control, and above you.
He also mentioned that he’ll find someone who can really help you. This means manipulating you with an “unknown person.” This person could be his former therapy coordinator I mentioned earlier.
Narcissists sometimes create “issues” before relationships. Then, if you discover them, they may blame you. They might say something like, “Well, you don’t help me enough when I need it, and she does,” as an excuse. They’re blaming you for the infidelity!
Narcissists also become arrogant when a new passion looms. They put a lot more value on their partner because they know they have an alternative option if you leave.
Most narcissists hate being single. So the threat of being single controls their behavior to some extent. But when they have another source of support, they usually treat their primary partners worse because the consequences are less severe for them.
So it seems to me that he’s getting some support from her. But we don’t know to what extent. And perhaps that’s why he’s been treating you worse lately.
