When you’ve just met someone, or don’t know them well, it’s difficult to know if they’re a narcissist. This is because narcissists wear masks, concealing many of their traits.
They may be a coworker you’ve known for years, or a local shopkeeper you talk to. However, you don’t know they’re a narcissist because you don’t see them in your daily life.
It’s okay not to know someone is a narcissist if the relationship continues at a distance. Narcissists typically hide their narcissism from those closest to them. But if you get too close, it can lead to disaster.
This article explains the subtle signs to look out for to determine if someone is a narcissist. We hope this helps you identify a narcissist before you allow them into your life, saving you pain and heartache in the future.
Narcissists Talk Too Much, Ignore Social Cues
Narcissists are often completely engrossed in what they’re talking about and assume you are, too.
They may ramble on in lengthy monologues about topics you haven’t shown interest in, and they don’t care about your time or attention. They often overlook your approaching the door to escape. So they keep talking, even if it’s abundantly clear you want to leave.
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Narcissists are so self-absorbed that they don’t question whether you’d like to listen to their inspiring tales. Of course you would—they’re brilliant!
This can make you feel trapped. Their lack of empathy prevents them from taking your presence into the conversation. And your politeness means you wait patiently for a long time before you finally have the chance to leave.
They’re Bad Listeners
Likewise, narcissists are terrible listeners. Many find it difficult to listen, even when trying to impress someone. Even though they’ll make a greater effort.
You may notice their eyes glaze over when you speak, as if they’re thinking about what to say next. Instead of responding, they shift the subject to what’s on their mind.
Narcissists may also give general, vague answers to what you say, indicating they haven’t really been listening. You may notice that the conversation doesn’t flow as smoothly as it does with people with a neurotic personality, because narcissists control all topics of discussion.
They Are Nice To You
It’s not in the nature of narcissists to treat people well. They want all resources and everything to revolve around them. However, they’re not stupid.
Narcissists know they can’t act like a narcissist and attract new people into their lives at the same time. So they pretend to be nice for a while.
In romantic relationships, this is known as “love bombing.” But they do the same thing in platonic relationships, too.
As I mentioned earlier, it’s not natural for narcissists to be “nice.” So, they fake it. And they often overcompensate by pretending to be overly nice, just to be sure.
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Pretending to be overly nice shows that they’re comfortable faking their personalities, which isn’t a good sign. While we all make an effort at first, narcissists take it much further.
Treat Others Badly
If someone treats you excessively well and then treats others badly, that’s an even bigger warning sign. They may be rude to restaurant staff, their ex, their family, etc., while treating you like royalty.
It’s tempting to think they’ll continue to treat you well because you’re so special to them. But a decent person treats everyone well. The fact that they’re willing to treat some people badly says a lot about their character.
Narcissists: Their Emotions Appear Fake
Narcissists often act either overly emotional or under-emotional. Their emotions may appear dramatic, as if they are acting. And that’s because they are.
Narcissists distance themselves from their emotions to be “strong.” This means they don’t connect closely to them. Therefore, they don’t always feel them. And even when they do, they may not realize it, due to lack of practice.
To compensate for this and blend in, narcissists learn to fake emotions, rather than express them automatically. They learn what’s appropriate in certain situations.
But faking emotions isn’t easy, especially if you don’t fully understand them. This is why narcissists make mistakes and react with extreme emotion or with insufficient emotion. This is because they don’t know their impulse.
Narcissists often decide how they feel based on those around them and what’s appropriate for them. They may reveal this by saying things like, “I don’t know how I feel.” This indicates that they consider their feelings a decision, not a spontaneous one.
The first emotion a person displays is often their true emotion. If they appear angry for a split second, then smile, they are likely angry.
As I mentioned earlier, narcissists hide behind a mask, changing their “feelings” based on what suits them. Therefore, you may see brief flashes of emotional reactions before others take their place. If this happens repeatedly, it’s a sign that they have a habit of hiding their true feelings. This is a sign of narcissism. (But of course, everyone does this to some degree.)
Related : How Life Improves When You Leave A Narcissist
Micro expressions also give clues to a person’s true thoughts and motives. For example, if you tell someone that your mother is sick, and they smile slightly before their expression changes to one of concern, they may be pleased. This could indicate that this is not the person you want in your life.
Narcissists Tell You What To Think About Them
Rather than being themselves and letting you decide, narcissists prefer to control the narrative, telling you what to think about them.
They may say things like, “I’m the type of person who… (insert positive adjective).” Or they repeatedly talk about how important their family and children are to them.
They may also describe themselves as empathetic. But if they were who they claim to be, they wouldn’t keep saying that. They’d be perfectly normal and natural. And that’s okay. So always be wary of people who constantly tell you how great they are!
Narcissists Find It Hard To Apologize
Narcissists are notoriously difficult to apologize. There are two main reasons for this.
The first is that an apology is an admission of wrongdoing, an admission of flaws. Narcissists struggle to be “perfect” because their self-esteem is so fragile.
The second is that an apology gives power. It’s an admission of their wrongdoing to someone. This may imply that they owe them something, which can give them power.
If a narcissist is backed into a corner or wants something, they may apologize. But their apologies either sound awkward or contrived. Or they may have Warning. Like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or “I’m sorry, but… (insert excuse here).”
A Narcissist’s Life Is Full of Conflict
Another sign that someone might be a narcissist is if their life is full of conflict. They’re constantly at odds with various friends and family.
Furthermore, the conflicts are never their fault. Everyone else’s are difficult. Which is unlikely, unless they’re extremely unlucky.
Furthermore, narcissists may go from describing someone as the most despicable person on earth to describing them as the most amazing. And vice versa. This is because narcissists lack complete object relationships. They see someone as “all good” if they’re supportive, or “all bad” if they’re… not.
So, if someone despises their mother one week, and then loves her intensely the next, they might be a narcissist. Especially if this happens to multiple people.
No Middle End
People with natural empathy find a middle ground with others. For example, someone who speaks loudly might lower their voice if they’re talking to a quieter person, and that quiet person might speak a little louder. Or, if someone who jokes a lot is talking to a more serious person, they might joke less. The serious person might joke more.
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However, narcissists don’t do this. They have roughly the same energy, regardless of the other person’s personality. (Unless they want something!) This is due to their lack of empathy.
The inability of narcissists to find a middle ground can seem strange, as it’s not normal behavior. You may not consciously notice it, but you do notice it intuitively. That’s why interactions feel strange and unsettling.
Intuition
The final subtle sign that someone might be a narcissist is your intuition. If you sense anxiety around someone, your mind is telling you that something is wrong.
As I mentioned earlier, narcissists don’t find a middle ground, which may seem strange. What’s more, their words, actions, and feelings often don’t align. They’re always trying to manipulate and gain unfair advantages. Your intuition picks up on this and tells you with embarrassing feelings.
So, never ignore your intuition. Most people who’ve been in narcissistic relationships admit to initially ignoring their intuition. And, unfortunately, they come to regret it.
