Imagine being stuck in a situation where everything you do is wrong. No matter what you choose. Pretty frustrating, isn’t it?
Sadly, this is what many narcissists do to people. They manipulate situations to trap them in a double bind. If you do, you’re condemned, and if you don’t, you’re condemned.
There are many ways narcissists trap themselves in a double bind. Here are some examples of how narcissists use this trap, and what they gain from it…
How Narcissists Trick You Into a Double Bind
Narcissists may set you up on purpose. Or it may happen by accident. Here are some examples of a deliberate double bind…
Related : Why Narcissists Stare At You
A narcissist leaves a half-eaten chocolate bar out. If you throw it away, they’ll make a fuss because they were saving it for later. If you leave it, they’ll scold you for not tidying it up. Either way, you’re “wrong.”
Another deception tactic is sending mixed signals, making it difficult to determine what they want. One moment, they praise you for doing something they asked, and the next, they criticize you for doing exactly the same thing.
For example, they might demand that you be more affectionate. When you do, they accuse you of being clingy. Or they might say you need to be more assertive. Then they complain that you’re a bully.
A double-deal tactic involves asking questions where any answer can be considered wrong. This is especially effective with yes/no questions.
So, they might ask you if they should wear a certain item of clothing. If you answer no, you’re accused of insulting their clothing. If you answer yes, you’re encouraging them to wear something ridiculous.
A particularly cruel double-deal tactic is to flirt subtly in front of their partner. If they turn a blind eye, they’ve given the green light for this behavior. But if they say anything, they’re accused of being controlling, jealous, and suspicious.
Narcissists often fall into the trap of duplicity by accident, due to their narcissistic behavior. Many narcissists criticize their partners for almost everything they do, just to force them to back down. But the end result is that some of their criticisms contradict each other, even if they don’t plan to.
How Narcissists Use the Duplicity Trap to Control You
Many narcissists are adept at using the duplicity trap to control others. They thrive on creating confusion, making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, trying to understand what they want. This keeps you off-balance and dependent on their approval.
The duplicity trap plays on your emotions. When you wrong someone, you instinctively want to make it up to them. This allows the narcissist to escape their narcissistic behavior. They also gain more compliance, as you’re eager to improve yourself.
Related : How Echoism Turns You Into A Narcissist Magnet
The contradictions also undermine your self-esteem. Confusion makes you question your judgments, actions, and even your self-worth, making you more vulnerable to manipulation. You rely on the narcissist to make decisions for you and validate your authenticity.
Comply Or Get Dumped
Some narcissists push their partners into situations where they either comply or risk being dumped. A common saying is, “If you loved me, you would…” This gives you the choice between doing something you don’t want to do or being perceived as unloving.
As you probably know, narcissists tend to rush into relationships, locking their partners into living together, marriage, children, and so on. They may ask you to move in after three weeks of knowing them. Then they threaten to leave if you express doubts. Your choice is to move in with them against your will, or risk losing them.
Some narcissists regularly end relationships in response to easily resolvable issues. They then quickly rekindle the relationship. This sends the message that you will do what is asked of you, or the relationship will end.
Associations in Debates
There seems to be a growing trend of using associations in debates, rather than actually discussing the issue.
Anything related to gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation is often banned for being discriminatory. Even when this is clear, this leaves the affected person with two choices: either lie, suppress their views, or be accused of bigotry.
At the time of writing, a British Muslim footballer was asked to wear a rainbow armband to promote the LGBTQ+ community. He refused, citing his religious beliefs.
Related : The Hidden Costs Of Narcissists In Your Life
Unfortunately, he was put in a difficult position, having to choose between abandoning his religious beliefs or facing criticism for “hating” the LGBTQ+ community, even though he never publicly stated this.
Secret_Matchings
Some of these matchups are very subtle, making them difficult to detect. Here’s a real-life example of a secret match from a previous job I had…
The manager was strict and cared more about his appearance than his performance.
She wanted to give the impression she was a great manager through paperwork. So she turned a blind eye, praising the productivity of employees who signed off on tasks they didn’t actually perform.
Related : How Narcissists Disguise Abuse
She also burdened honest employees with more work, making it nearly impossible to get everything done without cheating. Thus, honest employees found themselves in a bind. They might appear lazy despite their hard work, or they might engage in cheating with others.
How To Escape Double … #Be Confident
When narcissists try to manipulate you and make you doubt yourself, it’s important to rebuild your confidence in your judgment. Remind yourself that you know what’s best for you. You don’t need the approval of anyone who’s trying to confuse and control you.
Set Boundaries
Narcissists thrive where there are no boundaries. Setting firm boundaries helps protect you from manipulation. For example, you might distance yourself from anyone who resorts to duplicity because you know it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Seek Support
If you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s important to have a support network outside of them. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist. This helps you cope and gives you a fresh perspective. Narcissists just want you to listen to them, for obvious reasons.
Final Thoughts
Stress is one of the many tools narcissists use to manipulate and control people. It creates confusion, undermines your self-esteem, and keeps you in a state of emotional turmoil. But the more you understand this tactic, the more you’ll be able to reclaim your power.
Remember that you deserve clarity, respect, and healthy communication. Don’t let anyone put you in a losing position. Those who do this intentionally don’t have your best interests at heart. So why give them your time?
