So, you went to church and got married…
…and now you ask yourself if this church is really the church of love.
Well – if you marry a narcissist, it won’t be the church of love. It will be the church of misery – and that’s just the beginning.
The questions you start asking yourself. Doubting that they’re not who they say they are.
As it all starts to pile up, you ask yourself the most fateful question of all…
…Did you marry a narcissist?
Well, here’s how you know.
ItDidn’t Seem Like It At First
I can’t stress this enough – but when you first meet a narcissist – you won’t always be able to spot them.
In fact, the more covert they are, the harder it is. Narcissists don’t want you to know the truth about them the second, minute, day, week, or even month you meet them.
They have a motive, and it takes time to unravel it.
Ideally, narcissists want you to fall for every trick they offer and unknowingly fall for their charm, their wit, and the false promises that come out of their mouths.
Related : Is The Narcissist You Know a Psychopath?
Once you do, they often seal the deal with a ring, which does nothing but make their victims feel:
- Wanted
- Loved
- Appreciated
- Admired
It’s romance time! It’s finally their time! Someone really likes them, and they’re so happy!
Fairytale, right?
Wrong!
What was I looking for?
You were looking for someone to show you that you are a lovable person, someone who makes you think, “Yes, I am worthy.
I am capable of finding and experiencing love, and I am good enough for someone.”
This fulfills all the victim’s requirements.
So when the offer comes, saying yes is the only option, and their blissful ignorance of the truth is masked by lies, smiles, and manipulation, all under the guise of love.
You were looking for real feelings, and you got a good actor.
What did I fall in love with?
I love you so much.
Please don’t ever leave me. I don’t know what I would do without you.
You are my everything.
There is no one else like you.
I can’t imagine not knowing you.
Comments like these will make even the most doubtful and insecure hearts gravitate toward them, and narcissists know it.
You feel like pretending, and many do.
But what exactly happened to make you fall the way you did?
In short – you believed them.
You believed their words and sometimes they “showed” you that they loved you. Let’s take a look at what that looked like.
What happened over time?
Looking honestly at how you met, did you feel like you were being rescued?
Many victims of narcissistic abuse find that they felt like the narcissist came and rescued them.
From loneliness to low confidence. From another abusive relationship or from feeling like they can’t be truly loved.
It takes a while for a narcissist to get under your skin, because they work so hard to get to know you and all your vulnerabilities.
Narcissists exploit their partner’s vulnerabilities. They can ask about their fears or triggers. What makes them anxious or sad or frustrated.
Over time, these same things are used against their partner. This is done intentionally to upset them, and then the narcissist can step in and be seen as the one to save them or fix them.
In other words, they break something and they are the first to fix it too.
Intimacy can be something that is understood silently
Well, your version of intimacy and the narcissist’s version will be completely different.
What do you think of when you hear the word “intimacy”?
I’ll help you out here.
For emotionally normal people, intimacy looks like this:
Physical. Think beyond the obvious “sex” here, and think about cuddling, lying in bed together and talking, kissing, holding hands, or any kind of emotional or erotic touch.
Emotional: Sharing thoughts or feelings, talking about vulnerabilities or fears, being a shoulder to cry on or listen to, exploring your goals or dreams, or making plans together. Anything emotional that involves expressing your needs will go here.
Social Intimacy. What do you do as a couple? What common interests can you grow in together?
Spiritual Intimacy. Do you reflect on your spiritual practice, whatever it may be? Are you different from your partners? If so, how do you compromise and allow respect and space?
All of these types of intimacy make for a perfectly healthy relationship: healthy. If there are big pieces missing, or worse, even elements – there will be problems down the road.
Signs You May Be Married to a Narcissist
This look at the signs you may be married to a narcissist will be what you base your current situation on. I hope these are helpful to you, anyway.
Clarity is very important.
- They’ve Changed
Yes. The mask may fall off if you’re married to a narcissist. No one can keep up a facade for long, and eventually, as time goes on, the magic they had on when you first met will completely wear off.
The first signs that this is happening will be when they surprise you. Maybe how they react to something, talk to you, or treat you.
- Promises fade
You notice that they make promises to make you happy, but these promises are rarely, if ever, kept.
This leaves you feeling disappointed, and you realize that they are actually lies.
- You feel like you are changing
As the years go by, we all change as we grow and learn more about life. But these changes are more about you.
Related : When You Stop Caring About The Narcissist They Will Do This!
You stop smiling. Your anxiety rises. You feel sad, almost lonely. It seems like no one understands what you are going through.
You lose confidence in yourself and what you are capable of. You know something is wrong, but you can’t pinpoint it.
Changing in this way is never good.
- You start worrying about their mood
What mood will they wake up in?
Will they come home angry?
Will they get back at me?
It shouldn’t be like that with a spouse, but narcissists act this way to ensure that you are always in a state of fear around them. You are too afraid to confront them but you know that’s not true.
These different moods can leave you feeling confused, and suddenly you spend most of your days trying to predict their moods so that you can mentally prepare for them.
For this reason, narcissists will always keep their moods a secret until they are ready to reveal them.
This is when they always surprise you.
Unfortunately, in marriages with narcissists, this is very common.
