Covert narcissists, or as I like to call them, soul vampires, are in your workplace. They’re on your street. They’re in the store. You know them.
Really getting to know them requires getting sucked into their games. These games won’t always be obvious – so it’s my job and my duty to help you out here.
It’s common to make mistakes when dealing with covert narcissists.
These mistakes can cost you dearly – so let’s take the time to spot them in the hope that knowing them will save you.
Aren’t all narcissists the same?
If we’re talking technicalities, the answer is no.
Think of narcissism like a tree.
It’s tall and firmly rooted in the ground. But none of its branches are the same. Some are small and subtle, some are large and obvious.
Related : The One Phrase That Will Leave Any Narcissist Powerless!
Some forms of narcissism are the same. You’ll find those who try to stay in the background and not be noticed. They’re almost cute to look at or be around.
But they’re all capable of dropping leaves, and they’re all branches.
All narcissists are capable of ruining lives and abusing those they spend the most time with.
What is covert narcissism?
I personally think that covert narcissism is the most dangerous. Sometimes, it’s nice to see what you’re getting at, you know?
The most obvious narcissist will be very pretentious. You’ll see them, you’ll hear them, you’ll experience the braggadocio. You’ll get used to phrases like:
“You’re worthless!”
“No one loves you!”
“You wouldn’t last five minutes without me!”
I mean – these are bullies. But the only good thing they teach us is our attitude towards them, right?
Sometimes I think it’s better to know where the ground is than to fall victim to covert narcissism.
So, with that in mind, what exactly is covert narcissism? Knowing it will help you recognize the mistakes you’re making when you have to deal with it.
It’s Not Your Fault: It Happens
Covert narcissism is not your problem. What attracts them to you is your kindness and willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt.
These aren’t weaknesses at all, but they are attractive to people who are plotting and wishing to let you down, hurt you, or let you down.
You are a kind, forgiving soul.
Covert narcissism is extremely difficult to spot, and is often disguised as a false friendliness.
Covert narcissists will make an effort to become a significant part of your life before they leave a trail of destruction behind them.
Blaming yourself for not seeing them coming is pointless. I mean, you can’t change the past, right?
There’s no point in feeling bad about something you can’t control. Looking back on your first encounter can make you think, “If only I had done this or if I hadn’t done that.”
Why? You’re beating yourself up.
It happens. But life is never about what happens to you, it’s about what you do next that matters.
Now is your time to heal.
BeCareful
The mistakes I’m going to mention now will not only resonate with you if you know someone with CNP, but they will also serve as warning signs—or red flags—for the future.
Related : 11 Reasons Why Women Stay With Abusive Men
Think of this as an investment in your well-being, and in learning about covert narcissism in general.
6 Big Mistakes People Make When Dealing With People With CNP
- It Takes Too Long to Figure It Out
Please listen carefully. You can’t ignore the fact that some people don’t spot covert narcissism sometimes.
A person can know someone their entire life and not recognize these traits—and that says a lot about how smart people with CNP are.
So let me just go on to say—if you’ve ever spotted someone with CNP, I applaud you. You’ve done a better job than most people have.
When you’re in the midst of narcissistic abuse and nothing feels right when you’re around this person—any amount of time can seem like a long time.
If we had a choice, we would prefer to know the truth from the start, but that’s not how life works.
Be grateful that you found out at all.
- You believe them
All the good they talk about, all the positivity they shove in your face – you think for a long time that’s who they are. They are brutally honest – and that’s different from the traditional charm you might find in overt narcissists.
They are warm, loving, and kind, but somehow they are meddling in your affairs.
Why?
Because they warm your heart before they come in and claim your place.
According to them, if you have a problem with that – that’s on you.
Believing that the covert narcissist is the sweet, caring person they pretend to be, you end up feeling embarrassed when you find out the truth.
How could I have been so stupid?
What was I thinking when I thought they were a good person?
And how were you supposed to know?!
- You trust them
Those who have good hearts and trust. It’s not your fault for giving people the benefit of the doubt. It’s not a weakness to allow people to be nice to you.
Covert narcissists want you to trust them so they can keep sharing your darkest, deepest secrets. So you can be their “go-to guy.”
So they can manipulate you into doing whatever they ask.
- Feeling Unnecessary Guilt
Feeling guilty around a covert narcissist is normal.
The way they make you feel is all guilt, no responsibility.
Think about the sarcastic comments you missed, or mistook for issues they had with you.
Just kidding!
It was just a lighthearted comment.
Come on. You know I didn’t mean it.
Meanwhile – the passive aggression continues.
Why should you feel bad about it?
- Letting Things Move Too Fast
Getting lost in the sea of forgetfulness is common – and you don’t have to torture yourself if that’s where you end up.
Covert narcissists are basically the kind of people who point out a beautiful sunset so you can avoid the next bear that’s about to pounce on you.
Related : 10 Signs of The Female Narcissist
You can get carried away when you meet someone you think is perfect, but their perfection hides a multitude of sins.
- Not Understanding How They’re Different From Overt Narcissists
I’ll tell you right now—you’d be surprised how many people will say, “But they didn’t meet any of the narcissistic criteria that I know of.”
No, they didn’t! They wouldn’t meet the criteria if the kindest, most genuine smile covered up all the games they played.
You find their shyness endearing and don’t assume that this can be linked in any way to narcissism…
…but it can.
Distinguishing between overt and covert narcissism is difficult, but I know you’re likely learning more about it, especially now.
