Should you confront a narcissist? What happens if you confront them?

Does a kitten really turn into a lion? The answers to these questions depend on the circumstances and the people involved.

Before you decide to confront someone with a personality disorder, you should ask yourself, “What outcome do I hope to achieve?”

Why would you confront a narcissist?

If you’ve just discovered that your partner or parent is a narcissist,

You may have a strong desire to confront them with this information in the hope that they will recognize what you’re describing and regret the pain they’ve caused.

If this is the outcome you’re expecting, you’ll be disappointed.

A narcissist’s sense of self has not evolved beyond that of a toddler and cannot handle the reality that they are less than perfect.

Unlike an alcoholic or other abuser who may eventually “see the light,” a narcissist lacks the ability to look inside themselves and recognize the truth. Self-reflection is not a tool in a narcissist’s toolbox.

Before considering strategies on how to confront a narcissist, take a look at what you want from the interaction.

If you are looking for equality in your relationship, acceptance, or importance in his or her eyes, it is advisable to simply move on.

If you are looking for these outcomes, you will invest an inordinate amount of time and energy but with little chance of success.

Related : Do Narcissists Raise Narcissists?

If you feel you are in a situation where you have little or no choice (e.g., married and unable to leave for financial or religious reasons) except to confront the narcissist, read on.

How Will a Narcissist Respond When Caught in a Lie?

What can you expect when you confront a narcissist? Generally, they resort to narcissistic rage (explosive or passive-aggressive) or denial.

They may get angry, deny everything, call you a liar, distort reality, blame you, and then play the victim.

You may be the recipient of the rage and aggression or the victim of the silent treatment.

It is also common for him or her to project everything you say about them onto you.

For example, if you confront them about the infidelity, they will turn it around and claim that you must have been the one who cheated on you to talk about it.

If you are strong enough to handle this treatment, go ahead and use the strategies below to confront him (or her).

If you hope for lasting positive change in their behavior, there is likely to be more disappointment or pain on the way.

Narcissistic Rage

Why do they go into “narcissistic rage”? They rage because they believe they are perfect and flawless.

They cannot accept any kind of disagreement, criticism, or accountability for their actions. “Narcissists react with narcissistic rage to narcissistic injury.”

“Narcissistic injury” is any threat (real or imagined, no matter how slight) to the narcissist’s grandiose self-image as perfect or all-powerful.

They view every disagreement as criticism and every critical remark as a severe humiliation.

Narcissists desire perfection, so the slightest challenge to this self-perception is seen as a threat.

Therefore, the overreaction. They react defensively and become resentful, aggressive, and emotionally detached. They “devalue” the person who criticized them, disagreed with them, or dared to confront them about their behavior.

By devaluing this person, narcissists minimize the impact of the threat to their self-esteem.

The devalued individual is likely to experience intense and persistent emotional harassment, guilt and blame, and abuse (both verbal and physical).

“Narcissistic rage” is a reaction to a perceived insult, criticism, disagreement, or confrontation (real or imagined). Narcissistic rage is a reaction to a narcissistic injury.

Narcissistic rage can come in one or both of two types: explosive rage and passive-aggressive rage.

1. Explosive rage – The narcissist erupts like a volcano, lashing out at everyone around them, causing damage to things or people, and being extremely abusive.
2. Passive-Aggressive – The narcissist complains, gives the person the silent treatment, and makes plans for how to punish the person. He is malicious and vindictive.

He harasses, annoys, sabotages, and destroys the work or property of the offender.

How to confront a narcissist?

According to Sam Vaknin, a self-professed narcissist and author of Malignant Self-Love, the simplest way is to abandon him or her or her.

The threat of abandonment can be vague and need not be conditional (“If you do/don’t do something – I will leave you”). When confronting a narcissist, you need to be persistent and yell at him or her.

He or she can be controlled by the subtle weapons he or she uses to overpower others.

Their fear of abandonment trumps everything else in the narcissist’s life.

For example, if they get emotionally close to someone, they begin to fear that abandonment is inevitable.

This causes them to act cruelly and pull away, often leading to the abandonment they feared. The Narcissist Paradox also holds the key to confronting and dealing with the narcissist.

If he engages in narcissistic rage – get angry at him. This ignites the fear of abandonment and thus calms and soothes him.

He will try to fix things, and immediately move from one end of the emotional spectrum (cold, angry, sarcastic, harsh) to the other end of the spectrum (warm, loving, optimistic, kind).

Reflect the narcissist’s actions and repeat his words back to him: if he threatens you – threaten him back. If he leaves the house – leave the house.

If he acts suspiciously – act suspiciously. Get down to his level and use criticism, degrading comments and humiliation.

His image is reflected back to him and the narcissist will always back down.

Narcissists can have negative and damaging effects on us.

Related : What is Narcissistic Supply?

They are superficial individuals whose self-esteem often stems from their behavior towards their partner, family and friends.

To successfully and effectively confront a narcissist, your self-worth must be strong and you must strongly believe in your right to confront his or her behavior.

Stand up for yourself and confront the narcissist by imitating his or her behaviors; by doing so, you can regain control and return it to your court.