How do you know if a narcissist is over you? As you’ll likely know if you’ve ever been in a relationship with a narcissist, they are characterized by certain traits such as a sense of self-entitlement, grandiose views of superiority, a lack of empathy, and a threatening selfishness (2).
They’ve also been shown to have a poor sense of self and chronically unstable self-esteem (1).
In 1978, Kohut (4) noted that narcissists see others as extensions of the self.
They expect others to “mirror” their highly inflated views of themselves and then rely heavily on those people to regulate their self-esteem and anxiety.
It’s all about having others reinforce their (on the surface) beliefs that they are superior (3). And that’s exactly how narcissists tend to enter into romantic relationships.
Related : What Happens When The Narcissist Knows You Have Figured Them Out?
How do you know if a narcissist is over you? Let’s explore how narcissists view relationships and how narcissists experience love.
Narcissistic Relationship Pattern
Narcissist Cycle: Idealization-Devaluation-Discard-Neglect
Relationships with narcissists tend to follow a cycle that repeats over and over again… over and over again.
They get close to you, then when you least expect it, they do a complete 180-degree turn and suddenly pull away.
Finally, if the narcissist is done with you, they will dump you. Usually, for some reason that seems to be none of your fault.
But the thing about cycles is that they don’t stop, they just keep repeating. So the narcissist will soon start the cycle all over again. They will go back to where they were at the beginning of the relationship and lure you back in.
We know this as the Idealization-Devaluation-Discard-Cleanup cycle of how narcissists approach relationships.
Some say it’s based on the classic cycle of domestic abuse, developed by Lenore Walker (6), although not all narcissists are necessarily domestic abusers.
Narcissists often use verbal and emotional abuse more than physical abuse. Although they may not realize that they are actually “abusing” their partner.
Idealization
In the idealization stage early in the relationship, the narcissist showers their partner with praise and attention.
The relationship is often very intense and moves very quickly, creating an emotional bond that is difficult to break (5). We also describe this as “love bombing” where the narcissist smothers their target with affection.
Devaluation
At some point, the narcissist’s partner will upset the narcissist in some way, usually unintentionally.
The narcissist will analyze every move, often viewing any unusual behavior as a criticism. They may also jump to conclusions and react in an exaggerated way to these perceived criticisms more than non-narcissists do.
The narcissist will begin to see their partner as flawed and feel bored and frustrated.
Then the devaluation stage begins. This stage is characterized by verbal abuse, withholding, humiliation, shaming, and various forms of betrayal.
Meanwhile, the partner wonders what they did to deserve such behavior (they didn’t do anything to deserve this).
Ditching
Eventually, the narcissist will see no value in the partner and will dump them for a “new” partner who can make them perfect.
However, the dumping is often temporary and the narcissist will eventually “recruit” their partner back into a relationship if they are convinced they still have something to gain.
Recruiting_a_Partner
This can happen even while the narcissist is in a relationship with someone new and relationships can often overlap, so the narcissist is never completely alone.
This cycle can continue endlessly until the narcissist finally ends it, the partner ends the relationship, or the narcissist seeks help.
So how do we know if this is the last time the narcissist is done with you?
7 Signs a Narcissist Is Done With You
How do you know if a narcissist is done with you? There are some signs to look out for that indicate the narcissist has reached the “ditching” stage of the relationship. These can include:
- They become overly critical of you
Everything the narcissist loved about you at the beginning of the relationship will now become a major annoyance to them, and they will tell you so.
They may find fault where there is none and accuse you of lying or dishonesty, even if they have no reason to believe that to be true. They may also accuse you of being envious of them.
- Your success becomes a threat
Whereas at the beginning of the relationship they were a personal cheerleader for you, now every time you succeed at something, they will find a way to bring you down.
Your accomplishments will be seen as a threat, so they will definitely no longer be the one celebrating with you. Instead, they will find ways to make your successes seem small and insignificant.
- You start to see two very different sides to their personality
Narcissists are often described as charming and charismatic.
They can be very good at putting on a show in order to get people to like them (and do what they want).
You will start to see how quickly a narcissist can go from being this fun persona to being a moody, gloomy person once the door is closed.
- Your approval of them no longer matters
Where your opinion used to be the only thing that mattered, now compliments go unnoticed.
They may even seem disgusted by you and see your compliments as needy and desperate.
They will pay more attention to the opinions of others who have not yet seen their narcissistic side. If even a compliment no longer gets them attention, it is a sign that they are truly tired of you.
- They completely ignore you and often treat you with “silence”
This can also be called “ignoring” and involves complete withdrawal or withholding of information, feelings, or material resources.
They no longer have the energy to despise you, get angry, lust, or simply look past you and not show you any strong emotion.
Related : What happens When You Ignore a Narcissist Who Dumped You?
This strategy is used to elicit feelings of rejection or abandonment to reinforce feelings of dependency on them (7).
They show you that your value is so insignificant to them that responding and engaging are unnecessary from their perspective.
They invalidate you and express contempt (8). They want to try hard to get you back in their “good book.”
Examples of ignoring include: stopping text messages, avoiding eye contact, or ignoring you in a group setting.
- Their empathy turns to indifference
Whereas they used to empathize when you were sick or depressed, now, no matter how hard it is, they will remind you that they have it worse (whether it’s true or not).
The more you try to get their sympathy, the more they respond with indifference.
- Replacement
A narcissist may try to replace you with another partner who they see as better than you on the surface.
They may be unfaithful but will deny it so they can no longer hide the truth.
What Narcissists Do at the End of a Relationship
At the end of a relationship, narcissists will deliberately not give their partner any closure, making them wonder if the relationship is really over and making it difficult for them to move on.
They may even use manipulation techniques to try to keep their partner involved in the relationship, such as threatening to harm themselves, to make it seem like they are the victim.
Or they may try to humiliate and degrade their partner by bragging about a new relationship.
Whichever method they use, they will make their exit devastating and always leave a question mark.
This can serve as an opportunity for them to “get back” with their partner in the future. If there is still any question about whether the relationship is really over.
They may come back with an apology or promises of more when they think there may still be something to gain from returning to the relationship.
So, it can be really hard to know if this is truly the last time, as narcissists may not even know themselves! But they prefer to leave their options open to cover their backs.
For narcissists, it’s all about control and if they haven’t officially ended the relationship, they still have some control over it.
They may reach out to you months or even years after the relationship has ended, just to see how you respond to them.
Can Narcissists Love?
Can Narcissists Love? There is a theory that narcissists are incapable of loving themselves, they despise the people they love and that is why they often end up treating their romantic partners in such a seemingly unloving way.
Fear of Abandonment
Narcissists are often driven by a deep fear of abandonment, and they punish the rest of the world for it. This is especially true when it comes to close personal relationships.
They can be very good at cutting off feelings to protect themselves from hurt and pushing away feelings of love they may have for someone.
However, it has been said that narcissists actually struggle to let go of relationships and that is why they tend to keep coming back. But they don’t know how to show love because being too vulnerable hurts them.
The worst thing for them is to reveal their true selves, because it makes them more vulnerable to feeling hurt and inadequate, so they run away from their feelings and push love away.
Narcissists usually show feelings of love at the beginning of a relationship when they are idealized by their partner and not too vulnerable.
But once they feel inadequate for some reason, they push their partner away, preventing them from forming a loving relationship.
Fear of Intimacy
Intimacy makes them closed off and cautious, because they don’t want their partner to reveal that they are not perfect. This process basically goes like this:
They constantly protect their greatness and feel disappointed when others do not respect them.
They blame the relationship for their insecurities, not realizing that these feelings are deeply rooted within themselves.
Related : What is Narcissistic Rage?
What follows is that they protect themselves by finding fault with their partner, so that they can escape these feelings.
In fact, although they may not look or act like it, narcissists tend to be vulnerable and afraid of being hurt, to the point that they develop a defensive shield to protect themselves from their feelings, which hinders the development of intimacy.
NarcissistsAreCapable ofLove
However, it would be unfair to say that narcissists are incapable of feeling love.
If you can reach a narcissist through their vulnerability, and make them feel safe so that they can communicate how they feel, they can access their true feelings, and become more emotionally available to others.
Narcissists can begin to build empathy by being more honest about their feelings, rather than reacting to protect themselves.
So, some narcissists can certainly feel love, but in order to have a functional relationship, it may require therapy to break down their walls and defenses, so that they can develop empathy towards their partner and open up.
A narcissist also needs to understand their own narcissistic tendencies to be in a successful love relationship.
You can read my article Can a Narcissist Fall in Love if you want to read more about this topic.
How Long Do Narcissistic Relationships Last?
Narcissistic relationships often don’t last long, as the narcissist will soon become insecure and reactive if they feel they aren’t getting enough admiration from their partner.
Relationships may last a few months or years, but if narcissistic tendencies are not addressed, these relationships will eventually fall apart.
However, if a narcissist is constantly being stroked, enough to keep their self-esteem nourished, they can sustain a long-term relationship with one partner.
So how do you know if a narcissist is done with you?
What can we say after reading all this? Since there is often no final say, it is difficult to say if and when a narcissist is “done” with you.
As long as there are some supplies left for the narcissist to gain, waiting for them to be done with you can be a long and painful wait.
Don’t wait for a narcissist to end a relationship if it is toxic and you are suffering. Take matters into your own hands. You are the one who decides whether this should continue or if this is the last thing.
A narcissist rarely cuts off contact for good. They may ignore you for a while and try to punish and hurt you or come back into your life when it suits them.
It is up to you if you allow them to play their narcissistic role or if you decide to stop it.
