Mothers-in-law are often portrayed in a bad light, with suggestions that they are possessive and reluctant to give up on their sons or daughters.
But what happens when it’s the other way around and you’re faced with a narcissistic daughter-in-law who seems to want to separate you from your children? How do you deal with a narcissistic daughter-in-law?
If you suspect your daughter-in-law is a narcissist, it’s hard to be on the outside looking in and not be able to help your son or daughter.
As we’ve suggested in previous blog posts, the best way to deal with a narcissist is usually to cut them out of your life completely by ignoring them in a “grey rock” way.
However, in this case, that’s not really possible if you want to maintain a relationship with your son/daughter and possibly your grandchildren.
Unfortunately, if your son/daughter can’t see that their spouse is a narcissist, trying to call them out and cut them off could end badly for you.
If you upset her, she may use manipulative strategies to distance you from your son/daughter and you may even lose contact with them, and your grandchildren if you have them.
There is no way to “deal” with your narcissistic daughter-in-law in most cases, because it is practically impossible to remove her from the picture.
Instead, you have to find ways to “cope” with her and try to stay on her good side.
In this article, I will discuss why coping is your best option and list 13 strategies on how to deal with your narcissistic daughter-in-law.
WhyCopingIsReallyTheOnlyOption
Narcissists are masters at manipulating people (especially your child) and anything you say will be seen as criticism and counted against you, as will any action you try to take to help your children.
Narcissists are also masters of triangulation, so try to avoid situations where you are alone with your narcissistic daughter-in-law. Triangulation is when the narcissist uses two people against each other to stay in control.
There will be little or no communication between the two triangle people, except through the manipulator (narcissist).
It is a tactic used to drive a wedge between two people and create discord between them. You do not want this to happen to you or your son or daughter.
It is a very effective strategy to gain an advantage over perceived competitors by manipulating them and putting them in conflict with each other.
Your son/daughter is already being manipulated by your daughter-in-law and will always believe her when you claim that you said or did something to try to break them up.
Narcissists are masters at manipulation and you are likely to lose if you try to confront them head-on, so it is often not worth the effort.
It is difficult to want to protect your children and grandchildren, talk to them, offer them help, and show them the truth about your narcissistic daughter-in-law.
But unfortunately, doing so may further alienate you from your family and you do not want to risk losing contact with them.
You should focus on long-term goals, which are:
Keeping the peace
Staying in touch with your child
Staying in touch with your grandchildren
13 Coping Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissistic Son-in-Law
Remember that you are doing what is necessary to stay in your children’s lives, not to please the narcissist. How do you deal with a narcissistic daughter-in-law? Here are some strategies you can use:
- Take a Step Back
As difficult as the situation can be when you see how toxic it is, it is important not to interfere in your daughter-in-law’s relationship.
This will likely drive a greater wedge between you and your child, and your child will become more dependent on the narcissist for support.
- Don’t Take Sides
If your son/daughter or even your grandchildren come to you complaining about your narcissistic daughter-in-law, listen to them, and just listen.
Avoid taking sides as if you are siding with your child and telling the narcissist what you said. This can cause the narcissist to do everything they can to get rid of you, as they will see you as a threat (1).
As long as the narcissist does not see you as a threat, they will not try to push you away.
Furthermore, if they see you as someone who can be helpful in getting what they want, they will want to have you around more.
- Don’t Try to Offer Advice to the Narcissist
Even if they ask for advice, don’t give it to them! This will never end well, because no matter what you say, they will take it as criticism (2).
Try to answer with general answers that can’t be taken seriously.
For example, if they ask for advice on how to raise your grandchildren, a good answer might be, “You know your kids best.”
- Don’t stop by unannounced
Narcissists are control freaks and won’t appreciate you messing up their schedule by showing up without planning ahead.
They will want to put their best face on when you show up and will see you as a way to get in their way.
- Don’t try too hard to be friendly with them
If you overcompensate, they will notice and become suspicious of you. Keep your distance without being rude.
- Try to make everything seem like it was their idea
For example, if you want to see your grandchildren, try to make it seem like it was your daughter-in-law’s idea.
You want her to think she’s in control, which is hard when you don’t want her to be, but you have to stay focused on your long-term goal of being a part of your son or daughter’s life.
- Respect your child’s choice
You have to understand that your son or daughter loves his or her partner, even if you can’t understand what he or she sees in him or her.
Even if you share your true feelings about your son or daughter, they will likely not agree, so it’s best to stay quiet and respect their choice.
- Remain polite at all times
Try as much as possible to always be polite to the narcissist and avoid confrontation. No matter how much he or she manipulates you, stay calm, level-headed, and polite at all times.
- Follow her rules
Whether you agree with her or not, show her that you listened to her and do what she wants.
Nothing upsets her more than when you ignore her rules (3). And you don’t want to upset her.
- Set your boundaries
Don’t support the union more than is absolutely necessary to maintain a relationship with your son/daughter. Set clear boundaries from the start.
Refuse to join if she makes nasty comments about other family members, and don’t let her get too close by stopping without warning and if necessary.
Tell her little white lies to avoid spending time alone with her – be careful not to upset her and keep it positive.
- Be grateful when she does something nice for you
This may not happen often, but when it does, make sure to show your appreciation. Don’t flatter her, but if she does something you approve of, let her know.
Whether it’s making your son/daughter their favorite meal or dressing the kids nicely, make her feel appreciated because narcissists crave that.
- Accept the reality of the situation
If your son/daughter has children with your son’s wife, regardless of what you think of her, the children will need their mother (4).
Trying to create conflict between her and her children or between her and your son/daughter is not best for anyone.
You have to accept that she will be in your life and choose to have whatever relationship you can with her, in order to maintain communication with your son and grandchildren.
- Let it go
Learn to be calm and accepting when it comes to your daughter-in-law.
As long as you don’t agree to everything she asks of you and don’t allow her unreasonable expectations about childcare etc., let it go.
Ignore any negative comments and don’t respond with anything critical – to anyone. Just accept it and try to be effective and empathetic where you can.
Ultimately, all of these coping strategies are about maintaining a friendly and cordial relationship with your narcissistic daughter-in-law.
Remember that she will be holding on tight to your son/daughter, so you are unlikely to get rid of her unless the relationship breaks down.
She may even be the mother of your grandchildren, in which case the best thing you can do is understand that she has the final say in what happens to her children.
The courts tend not to side with grandparents unless the mother and/or father have been declared incompetent or arrested.
Try to make your relationship workable as much as you can. The key is to understand who you’re dealing with.
Some things to consider about your narcissistic daughter-in-law
- You’re not the only target of her behavior
While she may feel like she hates you and wants to get you, chances are she acts this way with your son/daughter, her children, her friends—any situation where she feels helpless.
But in her mind, as her partner’s mother, you have the power you want. However, that doesn’t make it personal – remember, this is her way of dealing with you.
- Her perception of your power is flawed
In this “power struggle”, she sees you as the “top dog”. After all, you know her partner first, so she sees him as a threat to her power with your son/daughter.
This perception is flawed. As you know, she is actually the one who has all the power when it comes to your son/daughter and grandchildren.
- Narcissists are very good at acting like the victim
They will be very good at making your son/daughter think they are the victim (5) if they actively try to reveal their true colors, so this is not always the best course of action to take.
The more drama there is, the easier it is for them to play the victim.
Narcissists are manipulative, so sometimes you have to be manipulative too.
No high emotions means no fuel for the narcissist to escalate the situation.
- Her Behavior Will Be Predictable
Once you realize she is a narcissist, it will be easy to predict how she will act.
You will start to see patterns in her behavior and as you learn more about her, it will be easier to know how to deal with her and stay on her good side.
Some examples might be:
She often “forgets” things, like plans she made with you, or to thank you for a nice birthday gift, or to tell you about your grandchild’s latest accomplishments.
She’ll be able to give you good reasons for “forgetting,” but if this becomes a common theme, know that she’s doing it intentionally to insult you.
- She shows up late or cancels/changes plans at the last minute.
For example, she might leave it to the last minute to tell you about a school play so you can’t attend. When this happens, act like you’re confused.
Ask her if you’re at fault and express how bad you feel about missing things. Don’t be accusatory, just confused and innocent.
- She often disappears when you’re around her.
She might have to “work” in another room or suddenly have to run errands to avoid spending time around you.
This might be because you’re intimate with her and narcissists despise feeling vulnerable (6).
Why Your Narcissistic Daughter-in-Law Acts in Certain Ways
Narcissists never felt safe enough to stand up for themselves as children.
They learned how to deal with feelings of helplessness by saying what someone wanted to hear and then doing everything they could to sabotage it (7).
Unless narcissists learn a more constructive way to assert themselves, this is the only behavior they know.
They act this way because they are insecure, have low self-esteem, and want to feel powerful and important (8). She wants you to know how important her place in the family is.
Although it may not seem like it, she acts this way because she feels threatened by you and cares about your opinion. She may think you will criticize her or that you don’t trust her methods as a parent.
You may actually feel overwhelmed and stressed, but that’s the last thing she will show you. Remember, narcissists are very vulnerable and sensitive people to deal with.
Summary_of_the_Topic
When dealing with your manipulative narcissistic daughter-in-law, you have to accept that she will be in your life if you want to maintain contact with your son/daughter and grandchildren.
As difficult as it may be at times, your only real option is to use coping techniques to stay on her good side and keep the peace.
Of course, contact the authorities if you have reason to seriously fear for your family’s safety.
But only do this in extreme cases. If you try to “out” your daughter-in-law to your family, she will likely respond with manipulative techniques to freeze you out of the family and prevent you from seeing them all together.
Let’s say you want to continue having a relationship with your son/daughter and grandchildren. In this case, your best weapon is to understand your narcissistic daughter-in-law and learn how to deal with her effectively.
