Why do narcissists return to old relationships? Feelings of loss and despair are often what drive a jilted partner down this path of investigation.
The answer to this question depends on the type of narcissist you’re dealing with.
The type most likely to return is the recycler. The main difference between a recycler and a typical narcissist is that they enjoy the predictability of a relationship.
They prefer to stick with what they know rather than seek out something new.
In addition, they don’t like confrontation and prefer to walk away when things start to go south.
With a recycler, you can be sure that the moment they leave you, they’ll be back in the arms of an ex.
5 Reasons Why Narcissists Return to Old Relationships
1. Narcissists Don’t Have Subject Constancy
In psychology, the term “subject constancy” refers to a person’s ability to see the good in someone despite the fact that they feel that person has wronged them.
If you ever feel completely disconnected from your narcissistic partner when you are away from them.
This is because another characteristic of object permanence is maintaining an emotional connection with their partner when they are not in the same vicinity.
In other words, the narcissist will quickly forget about you the moment you leave the house.
Because a recycler lacks consistency. Once their partner hurts them, the positive feelings they had disappear and hatred and contempt quickly build up.
In a normal relationship, a simple disagreement won’t lead to a breakup.
But with a recycler, their response is to move on to an ex they know is waiting impatiently to get them back.
2. Narcissists lack empathy
Like all narcissists, recyclers lack empathy and when they walk away from a relationship, they don’t care about their partner’s feelings.
That’s why they can move on so quickly. If necessary, they’ll convince themselves that the person deserved it, or that it was their actions that pushed them away.
Since recyclers don’t like confrontation, it’s not uncommon for them to suddenly disappear.
They’ll do things like block you on social media, change their number, or pack their bags when their partner is at work.
In such cases, they won’t even leave a note, like magic – they just disappear!
Even when you know you were in an unhealthy relationship, no one likes to be abandoned.
When your narcissistic partner leaves, you will ask yourself several questions such as:
Do narcissists miss their exes?
Do narcissists regret losing you?
Do narcissists always come back after they dump you?
Do narcissists think about their exes? etc.
You will find yourself obsessing over these questions despite the fact that knowing the answer will do nothing to repair the damage.
Your partner will not come back because you are in a state of mental turmoil due to the breakup.
The sad truth is that narcissists lack empathy, so they will not feel any guilt or regret about the relationship ending.
In fact, if their thoughts start moving in this direction, they will change the narrative and remind themselves that you were in a privileged position to share the same space with such an exceptional human being.
To further answer such questions, if your narcissistic ex really misses you or regrets losing you.
He would be willing to compromise and find a way to make things work out. Instead, they’re gone, and as you read this — they’re probably living with an ex.
3. Narcissists Are Confident You’ll Take Them Back
Why do narcissists go back to old relationships? Because narcissists are confident you’ll take them back.
Unfortunately for victims of narcissistic abuse, once they are let go, they are still emotionally attached to their abuser.
You loved them madly and passionately, and now they are gone and have left a huge hole in your heart.
The narcissist is fully aware of this and will exploit the fact that you are emotionally vulnerable.
However, once you understand the mind of the narcissist, and that the relationship was never about you in the first place, it will be much easier to move on. There are three points I want to make.
- The Narcissist Doesn’t Know How to Love in the Traditional Sense
The way you view love and romance and the way the narcissist views love and romance is from a completely different perspective.
The narcissist loves in his or her own way. In the early stages of a relationship, the narcissist’s behavior is driven by passion but with an ulterior motive. This stage is referred to as love bombing.
As you may have experienced, they shower their partner with gifts, vacations, and compliments.
During this time, you will feel like you are the most important person in the world.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that the narcissist doesn’t love you, it’s that they love you in their own way. This is completely different from the way you love them.
- The Narcissist Doesn’t Know What It Means to Miss Someone:
It’s not that the narcissist doesn’t miss you. They don’t miss anyone because they’re emotionally unavailable. There’s nothing wrong with you, if you were in a relationship with a normal person, they would miss you.
The problem is that narcissists don’t know how to miss people, this is one of the hallmarks of a personality disorder.
So, your narcissistic ex doesn’t miss you because they’re mentally unstable, don’t take it personally.
- The Narcissist Lives a Split Life
The narcissist views everyone on the same emotional level. They don’t have strong feelings for anyone, not even their mother or children (if they have any).
As you may have witnessed, what the narcissist says and does are two completely different things.
A narcissist never keeps their word unless it benefits them in some way.
According to experts, at the end of a normal relationship, there is a need for a period of adjustment.
In this case, both parties need time to adjust to the absence of the other. They may need to contact each other to release certain feelings or meet for a chat.
But both of them know that the relationship is over, and there is no chance of getting back together anytime soon.
You will need this adjustment period, but your narcissistic partner will not. They can move on without a second thought.
Don’t get this wrong, but to them, you are no longer there until they decide they want you back.
In case you’re wondering why narcissists stay friends with their exes?
It’s not that they stay friends with them, it’s that they’re putting their exes on a list of potential people they can go back to when they break up with their current partner.
While you spend sleepless nights wondering what their life will be like without you, to the narcissist, it’s just another day, and life goes on as normal.
4. Narcissism and the Cleaning Strategy
After your narcissistic partner leaves you, they put you on their recycling list and move on.
They literally disappear while you’re at work, and you won’t see or hear from your ex until they decide they need you back.
When they start trying to find their way back into your life, there’s a specific technique they use that’s referred to as “vacuuming.”
Here are some signs that your narcissistic ex is trying to get you back:
Longing Message
This type of message will come in the form of a question, he is not interested in the answer, what he wants is to make you start thinking about him again.
Communicating on important dates
Your narcissistic ex may send you a message on your birthday, holidays, or the anniversary of your first date.
These dates mean nothing to him, but he knows they mean something to you.
He is hoping to stir up your feelings, so you answer the phone for old times.
When they decide it is time to get you back, they will start looking for information about you such as a new job, a car, or a house.
Then they will send you a congratulatory message. Don’t be fooled, your ex wants you to think that he is interested in your achievements, so lower your guard.
LoveBombing
You must have gone through this at the beginning of your relationship; but this time, it will be from a distance.
If you still live and work in the same place, expect your ex to bombard you with gifts and flowers.
They will also send you text messages and emails declaring their undying love for you.
Love bombing is their way of reminding you of the good old days. Once you start thinking about how your partner made you feel, there is a good chance you will back away from them when they show up.
Make grand promises
When you are in a new relationship with a narcissist, one moment they say they want to settle down, get married and have kids.
The next moment they claim that it is not something they have ever thought about.
This is another tactic they use to see if they have blown your mind, as your reaction will give away the game.
Now that you have broken up, your ex will use this against you and start making promises that if you get back together, they will never leave you. They will marry you and have the kids you have always wanted.
Talking to Friends and Family
The narcissist will reach out to your friends and family and play the victim.
Your ex will likely say things like:
“I really regret losing Anna, I was such a fool to leave her.” “Anna was such an amazing person, I’ve never met anyone like her, and I don’t think I ever will.” “Oh my god, I miss her so much.”
All of this is said with the intention that what they said will come back to you.
5. How can I stop overthinking this way?
Thinking is a soul killer, you will spend hours, days, weeks asking these questions over and over in your head.
But no matter how many answers you think you’ve come up with, you will never satisfy your desire to know if your partner misses you the way you miss them.
When a healthy relationship ends, you have something to work on, they will text you, call you, email you, or write you letters explaining how they feel so you know where you stand.
You won’t get that kind of reassurance with a narcissist, they will leave you in the lurch and you won’t know what’s wrong with you.
The good news is that you don’t have to stay that way. Once you change your perspective on the matter, you will find the strength to reclaim your sanity.
And stop renting space in it to someone who doesn’t respect your safety.
And that’s the bottom line, your narcissistic partner doesn’t care, and they never will. Remember, they don’t choose to feel this way, narcissism is a mental disorder.
There’s nothing you can say or do that will change the way they feel, so there’s no point in trying.
Once you fully accept this reality, you’ll stop asking questions like do narcissists miss their exes, and do narcissists regret losing you? Because the answer is clear and simple, no, they don’t!
Why do narcissists go back to old relationships? Final Thought
Now that you know the type of narcissists who go back to their exes, I hope you don’t fall victim to this trap. Once the door is closed,
don’t open it again. You are now aware of the strategies narcissists typically use to get their partners back.
So don’t fall for any of these strategies when the narcissist comes sniffing around. If there’s one thing you don’t want in life, it’s to become a member of the narcissist’s recycling camp.
Every time they come and go, they take another part of you until there’s nothing left, and you suffer a complete emotional breakdown.
To avoid this, once the relationship is over, seek professional help. Use your energy to heal instead of holding yourself back trying to fix something that can never be fixed.
