Almost every parent believes that no one is ever good enough for their daughter. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have a friendly relationship with your daughter’s husband, but no one is ever good enough for your daughter.

But what if he’s not just “not good enough,” but actually bad for your daughter?

What if he’s a narcissist who’s emotionally abusing your daughter and possibly her grandchildren?

What if he’s slowly destroying your relationship with your daughter? You want to do something, right? How do you deal with a narcissistic son-in-law?

Dealing with a narcissist is never easy, but when the narcissist is your daughter’s husband, your daughter’s lifelong partner, things get a little more complicated.

You can’t take any direct action; you can’t break up with him completely without cutting off contact with your daughter.

There’s always the risk that anything you say or do will backfire, pushing your daughter away from you.

You’ll have to try a more nuanced approach that carefully examines the damage he’s doing to your daughter and your relationship.

You will need to know these things to form a plan to keep you, your daughter, and any grandchildren away from your narcissistic son-in-law.

Signs of a Narcissistic Son-in-Law

We all know what a narcissist looks like, right? Not necessarily. Some narcissists are attention seekers, but others focus on just one person – your daughter in this case, extracting all the attention and emotional support she needs.

Related : How Dating a Narcissist Changes You

What’s important to these malignant narcissists is their control over someone.

They need to manipulate that person’s perception, and provide the narcissist with the feelings of power needed to fill their emotional black hole.

There are many techniques your son-in-law uses to control your daughter and grandchildren that are sure signs of narcissism. However, the most common are triangulation, manipulation, and emotional manipulation.

Triangulation

Do you feel like your narcissistic son-in-law is playing you against your daughter?

He may be telling you something hurtful she said about you, hoping to get some amusement (which he can then use to hurt her).

This is triangulation in action, where the narcissist sows discord between two people in order to get both of their attention.

An easy-to-understand example is when a narcissistic parent has two children and the parent treats one as if he can do no wrong and the other as if he can never do anything right.

Of course, this causes the abused child to resent the other, rather than the parent who is causing all the stress.

Even a child who is treated well begins to resent the other because he or she feels uncomfortable with his or her positive status.

In the case of your son-in-law, you may not think this strategy will work.

You obviously feel more affection for your child than your son-in-law, but if he or she can control how close you are to your daughter, it gives him or her the same feelings of power through manipulative tactics.

Manipulation

Your narcissistic son-in-law is likely a skilled manipulator. He or she knows exactly what to say and do to throw your daughter off balance.

At least in the beginning of the relationship, many narcissists bombard their victim with love and affection, making the victim believe that the narcissist would never hurt them.

Later, he or she may offer indirect compliments or say hurtful things, then when your daughter gets upset, she says he or she was just joking.

The narcissist does these things because he or she wants to remain in control. When the narcissist is no longer able to manipulate his or her victim, he or she loses control and panics.

Some will throw themselves into a narcissistic rage, saying anything they can to crush their victim.

Others will turn to mutual friends and family, and start a smear campaign to turn others against their victim. Some will simply walk away, hoping that this will force their victim to come after them, begging for forgiveness.

The narcissist’s son-in-law may also try to manipulate you using similar tactics.

Although the most obvious narcissist may pull you aside and tell you that he can force your daughter and grandchildren to cut off contact with you.

This is behavior so cruel that your daughter may not believe you even if you tell her about the conversation—remember, he’s been creating an idealized image of himself with her for a long time.

SelfManipulation

One of the worst feelings you can have is to question your own perception of reality.

When you are being manipulated, you don’t trust your senses and memory and end up relying on others to remember everyday events. This gives the narcissist tremendous power.

Narcissists often manipulate their victims by twisting the truth, telling people that situations are unfolding in ways that make them seem like the victim rather than the abuser.

Narcissists make these claims with such confidence that people around them wonder if they are misremembering events.

Your narcissistic son-in-law may use your age against you, making you think that your memory is fading over time.

Why is your narcissistic son-in-law keeping our daughter and child away from us?

One of the most important things to understand about narcissists is that their behavior comes from a position of weakness.

They have very little ability to regulate their sense of self-worth, and they need constant reassurance of their superiority.

Isolating your daughter from other family members allows him to control her perceptions. If she never talks to her friends or family, they won’t be able to tell her how brutal her husband is.

How to Deal with a Narcissistic Son-in-Law?

You probably can’t stand a minute with your narcissistic son-in-law, but your adult daughter has chosen him.

If you want to spend any time with your daughter, you’ll need to learn how to spend time with him in a way that doesn’t hurt you psychologically or give him ammunition to damage your relationship with your daughter.

Let Him Think He’s Superior

This next piece of advice is a hard pill to swallow—you need to let your narcissistic son-in-law feel like he’s winning at all times. You need to make him feel in control of the situation.

This is incredibly counterintuitive, and you feel like you have to do everything in your power to stop him from manipulating your daughter.

Unfortunately, you are not in a position to do that. Your daughter needs to see him for who he really is and be willing to let go of the relationship.

Related : 14 Obvious Signs Your Daughter In Law Doesn’t Like You

Until then, any efforts you make to expose his narcissistic nature will backfire on you. Let him dig his own grave with her – you will eventually see his negative behavior for what it is.

Feed his ego once in a while

This sounds worse than before, but narcissists just want attention and admiration. If you can give them that once in a while by stroking their ego, your relationship with him will be better.

This does not mean that you need to fall into the same pattern with him as your daughter did, just give him a compliment once in a while.

How to Support Your Daughter Who Is Married to a Narcissist?

The sad truth is that you cannot intervene and separate your daughter from her narcissistic husband.

Unless you have already decided to walk away from the relationship, your intervention will undoubtedly backfire and may result in a breakup.

Instead, you need to play the role of support, helping her make the right decisions, but only when she initiates them. These are just some of the ways you can help your daughter on her journey away from the narcissist.

Let Your Daughter and Grandchildren Initiate Contact

If you are always calling your daughter or grandchildren, it makes your narcissistic son-in-law feel like he has no control. He feels like you are intruding on his life and turning everyone against him.

He will use manipulation and deception to turn your daughter and grandchildren against you to regain his power.

The best option is to tell your daughter and grandchildren that they can call you anytime and that you are always available to talk.

Your narcissistic son-in-law will have a much harder time turning your daughter and grandchildren against you when you are not the one initiating the contact.

Don’t “explain” her situation

Telling your daughter that she is with a narcissist and needs to get away is a surefire way to destroy your relationship.

If she is not ready to see who he is and the damage he has done with his narcissistic abuse, telling her that will do no good.

Narcissists do an excellent job of grooming their victims, showering them with love intermittently and making them feel that any negative behavior is the victim’s fault.

Telling her how awful her partner is is likely to lead to defensiveness. She may say things like, “You don’t know him as well as she does,” or blame herself for her brother-in-law’s bad behavior.

Give her space to share

Instead of telling her she’s in a bad relationship and needs to get out, wait until she shares. She may feel uncertain about her feelings, wondering how she got into a relationship with such an abusive person.

Validate her feelings and tell her that you’ll always be there for her when she needs to talk. Being open about the abuse should help her come to her own conclusions about her narcissistic partner.

Help her make a plan

Here’s a plan for girls who are thinking about getting out of a relationship and are worried about staying safe.

If your narcissistic son-in-law feels like your daughter is leaving him, there’s a good chance he’ll throw a narcissistic tantrum. His ego has been deeply wounded, and he’ll try to restore his reputation by hurting others.

Tell your daughter that she always has a safe place to stay with you. Explain how you can help her with any legal proceedings and what steps you’ll take to protect your grandchildren, if you have any.

BeThereForHerAfterShe’sAbandoned

Your daughter is married to the narcissist, so there’s a certain level of commitment, but most narcissists will try to abandon their partner when they’re no longer receiving the level of narcissistic supply they need. This often takes the form of cheating and emotional distancing, but it can also start with divorce.

If this happens, your daughter will either feel relieved or completely devastated. If the former is the solution, help her understand that narcissists often return to their partners who abandoned them when they need a boost of support.

In order to stay strong when he comes back, she may need your support.

On the other hand, if she is devastated by the dumping, you will have to walk a tightrope of telling her that this is for the best without the aforementioned issues of belittling her narcissistic partner.

GettingTheNarcissistOutOfYourLife

It will not be easy to get your narcissistic son-in-law out of your daughter’s life and yours. There is not much you can do other than recognize his narcissistic tendencies and learn not to aggravate them.

This may seem like giving in to him, but in the end, this relationship was your daughter’s choice and it is unlikely that you will be able to convince her to give up that choice without angering her and the narcissist.

She must come to her own conclusions about her husband and you can support her on this journey without interfering.