Relationships with relatives can sometimes be difficult to manage. That’s why so much has been said about the delicate uncertainty in mother-in-law relationships.
While many conversations tend to focus on toxic mothers-in-law, what are you supposed to do when your daughter-in-law is the one creating an unhealthy relationship dynamic?
If your relationship with your daughter-in-law is full of conflict, you may be wondering what the problem is.
Does she feel uncomfortable around you or does she simply not like you? Accepting the woman your son has chosen to marry is important to maintaining your relationship with them. That’s why it’s important to know if her distant behavior stems from being shy or if she just doesn’t like you at all.
Pay attention to these signs that your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you to help you better manage the situation.
Why Do Daughters-in-Law Hate Their Mothers-in-Law?
Developing a healthy relationship with your daughter-in-law is essential to the health of your relationship with your son and your current or future grandchildren. However, you may not realize that you are the one creating an environment that breeds resentment and hatred from her.
Often times, she may not like you because she feels like you haven’t made any real effort to get to know her. If you don’t express interest in her or what she likes, it can create a feeling of hostility.
You may also feel like you’re being critical of her parenting skills or not appreciative of everything she does for her family. Pay attention to the way you treat her.
Other times, it may not be about you. Sometimes we’re simply dealing with an unfriendly daughter-in-law who has preconceived notions about what a relationship with her mother-in-law should look like.
It’s entirely possible that all of her friends have bad relationships with their mothers-in-law and she may assume that’s how every relationship with a relative works. It may also not help your son’s situation if he doesn’t have the most positive things to say about you.
Mothers-in-law are often portrayed as manipulative and controlling in many movies and other media outlets. While you may not embody any of these traits, you may have entered the relationship wary from the start because of these unfair portrayals.
14 Signs Your Daughter-in-Law Doesn’t Love You
Have you noticed some annoying behaviors that make you feel like your daughter-in-law doesn’t love you?
It can be difficult to understand someone’s actions, especially if the behavior is subtle and negative. That’s why it’s important to know the signs that somewhat confirm what his behavior means.
If you’re struggling to figure out what’s going on, here are the main signs that your daughter-in-law doesn’t love you.
1 She tends to ignore your texts or phone calls and rarely hears from her first
What happens when you call your daughter-in-law? Does she often answer your calls or do you notice that every phone call ends up in voicemail? She may be busy with work, the kids, and keeping the family together, but if she’s ignoring every call, that’s a bad sign.
If you’re not the one reaching out, do you hear from her first? A daughter-in-law who cares and values your relationship will be willing to put in the effort to maintain it.
However, if she’s constantly dodging phone calls, keeping phone calls short, and not reaching out to you first, she’s avoiding you. This is a clear sign that she doesn’t want to talk to you and likely doesn’t like you.
2 She’s always finding excuses to avoid seeing you or hanging out alone with you
As humans, when we don’t like someone, we want to limit the amount of time we spend with them.
If she’s always finding excuses why she can’t come see you, she probably doesn’t like you. If you have to practically beg her to spend time with you or you only see her at family events, she’s making a conscious decision to avoid you.
Ditching plans or refusing to make time for you is a clear sign that she feels some hostility toward your relationship.
3 When you attend family gatherings or events, she goes out of her way to avoid being alone with you
If she doesn’t like you, you’ll start to notice that she’s also averse to you at family events.
She’ll make sure to keep her distance and actively avoid being caught alone with you. Once you catch her alone, she’ll either stay quiet or start appearing dissatisfied.
She may even pretend that she doesn’t know much about the topic of conversation or she may not be interested in continuing the conversation. Either way, if she’s exhibiting these types of behaviors, she probably doesn’t like you.
4 She never reaches out to you when you or the family is going through a loss or a tough time
Does she forget to call and check in on you after the family has suffered a major loss or when you’re sick?
As a family member, being concerned about what’s going on with you or someone else in the family is important for relationships to thrive. If she never calls to check in or express her condolences, it means she’s avoiding getting close to you.
Or if she does call, she makes sure the conversations are short. In general, you make sure to minimize the number of interactions you have to make.
5 She doesn’t call you on birthdays, anniversaries, or other important events
How does she usually behave on important dates? A daughter-in-law who has a healthy relationship with her husband’s relatives will make sure to call her at least on birthdays, holidays, and other important family dates.
While it’s perfectly normal for her to forget a birthday or anniversary from time to time, if she always ignores these important events without calling or anything, it shows complete disregard for you and the family.
6 She doesn’t come to visit you every time your son visits
This can be difficult, especially since you’re not her mother. It would be unreasonable to expect her to visit every time your son visits you.
After all, she has her own family to visit in addition to friends, work, and other life commitments. It’s perfectly normal for her to be busy sometimes. However, you should visit your son at least half the time he comes.
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If she’s always busy every Sunday at the same time your son comes over, she’s avoiding coming over. This is a very clear sign that she doesn’t like you.
7 She’s nice to other family members and makes an effort to talk to them and nurture the relationship
This is one of the most obvious signs that you’re dealing with a toxic daughter-in-law. How does she treat other family members?
Is she super friendly with them and then suddenly becomes cold once you enter the picture? This could be an indication that she doesn’t like you.
However, make sure to keep the situation in perspective. Do you get along better with these family members because they’re closer in age or have more in common?
It’s important to pay close attention to how she reacts when you come over. If she tries her best to engage you in conversation and is genuinely happy to see you, then there’s nothing to worry about.
But if she immediately shuts down or tries to put distance between you, then that’s a bad sign.
8 She’s suddenly the nicest person in the world when your son is around but is very cold when you’re alone
Again, this involves taking into account other factors. If she’s more talkative when your son is around, there could be a number of reasons for this.
For starters, she may feel more comfortable and reassured when your son is around. After all, if there are any awkward silences, she can count on your son to help her resume the conversation.
When you’re alone, this can put more pressure on her to continue the conversation, even if she has nothing to say.
However, if she completely ignores you when you’re alone, this isn’t a good sign. Examples could include her not being interested in continuing the conversation at all or even being rude or intentionally abusive to you.
It’s perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable at first when she’s alone with you. But if her behavior tends to be unpleasant, she’s probably not your biggest fan.
9. She makes passive-aggressive comments toward you or even subtly belittles you
Being passive-aggressive toward you or making snarky comments on your account is one of the most obvious signs of a toxic daughter-in-law.
Does she make extremely unkind or even cruel comments on your account and then try to play them off as a joke? While playful jokes can be done in good taste, it’s easy to disguise unkind comments as “jokes.”
Some people’s families make fun of each other or are just plain mean to each other, and there’s a clear difference between that and disrespectful comments. If she’s always being rude to you, she’s making it clear that she doesn’t like you.
10 She’s quick to defend you
This depends on how you treat her. If you’re constantly criticizing her or criticizing her as a mother, it makes sense that she’d be quick to defend you.
However, if you think about your behavior and know that you don’t engage in this type of criticism, then her defensiveness may be unwarranted.
If her initial reactions to you are always annoyed and upset, this is a clear sign that she doesn’t like you.
11 She and your son spend most of the holidays and weekends with her family
In this case, the situation will really depend on a few factors. Proximity to each other will play a big role. If her parents live a short drive away and you live a few states away, you’ll see her family and take the grandkids there frequently.
However, you may start to suspect that she has ulterior motives if you’re all equally distant from each other.
Balancing holidays and weekends can be difficult for any family. But if it’s convenient for her to stop by your house after her parents’ house or vice versa and she doesn’t make the effort, it may be because she doesn’t want to see you.
12 She never comes to you for advice and completely ignores your feedback
As a mother, you’re filled with years of wisdom. Maybe she doesn’t feel comfortable being open and vulnerable around you. Or maybe she’s always taken the advice of her mother or another older, wiser person in her life.
There are many reasons why she might not come to you for advice, but if she never asks for your simple opinion on something, that’s a big red flag.
When we ask someone for feedback, it’s our way of telling them that we value what they have to say. If she never asks you for any kind of advice, it’s likely that she doesn’t like you or doesn’t value what you think or say.
13 Never use any of the gifts you give her or display anything you get
When you go to their house, do you see any of the gifts you gave them? Maybe you bought her a jacket that your son told you he really wanted and you never saw her wear it.
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Or maybe you gave her a nice china set that she never used or displayed for guests to see. When you ask her about the gifts, she always has an excuse for not using them.
Maybe the jacket got torn in the dryer or parts of the china set broke. It can be painful to see gifts that you took the time to buy ignored and unappreciated. If you notice this type of behavior, it’s definitely not a good sign.
14 She refuses to accept any help from you
Maybe you know that she and your son are having a financial problem and you want to help them by giving them some money to help them get by.
Or maybe you’re willing to help with the kids over the weekend so the two of you can go on a romantic getaway.
If you’ve offered to help over and over again and she’s consistently declined, you may have trouble accepting the help, or she may not particularly want to accept your help. When she does accept your help, she does so reluctantly.
3 Reasons Your Daughter-in-Law Doesn’t Like You
Healthy relationships are a two-way street. There are several reasons why your daughter-in-law might not like or get along with her mother-in-law.
While some factors may include how you treat her, there are others that are completely out of your control. Here are the top reasons why your daughter-in-law might not like you.
1 She has misconceptions about what a relationship between your daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law should look like
As mentioned earlier, the media tends to portray mothers-in-law in a bad light. Often, in TV shows and movies, they are portrayed as manipulative, controlling women who do their best to hold on to their children in any way possible.
There are a lot of jokes online about how toxic mothers-in-law are, and many women often argue with their friends about their horrible relationships with their husband’s mother.
As her mother-in-law, you may have to come to terms with the fact that she may be keeping her distance from you out of fear.
She may assume that you have bad intentions toward her and may even think that you want to stand in the way of her marriage. It can be hard to accept how this role is distorted in the media, but coming to this understanding can help you deal with her better.
If she hates you and you know for sure that you don’t portray yourself as a nosy, controlling mother-in-law, it may just be a simple misunderstanding.
She may have trust issues when it comes to getting close to you. It may all come down to her misconceptions about what your relationship is supposed to look like.
2 You feel like you’re always criticizing her parenting style and cutting her off when she’s not asked to
Your mother-in-law’s criticism of her parenting style is often unwarranted and uncalled for. In fact, many disagreements that occur between parents and grandparents are about parenting choices.
As a grandparent, it’s perfectly natural to want the best for your grandchildren. After all, you raised your children and you’re very proud of how they’ve grown up. However, it’s her turn to raise your grandchildren, and by interfering with your thoughts and opinions, you can quickly alienate her and start to destroy your relationship.
Commenting on how you don’t agree with what’s for dinner, how they discipline their children, and more will only lead to constant fights and resentment.
Another big issue that causes unnecessary conflict is when your daughter-in-law tries to set boundaries and takes them personally. If you start avoiding your grandchildren out of hatred, this will in turn set off a chain reaction that will be frustrating for everyone.
She may start to see you as a manipulative person, willing to neglect the grandchildren in order to get what she wants. If all of this sounds familiar, this could be one of the biggest reasons she doesn’t like you or isn’t compatible with you.
3 You have different views on what makes a “good wife” or “good mother”
Gender roles have changed a lot over the past few decades, especially since you first got married and started having children.
These days, women are getting married much later, starting families later, and focusing on advancing their careers before settling down. Many men are starting to help around the house with daily chores, cooking, and even being more direct with the children.
Such huge differences can certainly create some tension between you and your daughter-in-law if you have a specific idea of who the best wife and mother is for your son and grandchildren.
Maybe you think a woman should be home with the kids and cook every night for her husband. Or maybe you think a woman should contribute half of her salary toward the mortgage and not be completely dependent on a man.
Either way, gender roles can start to play a big role in many fights with your daughter-in-law. If she doesn’t like you, it could be because you’re placing unrealistic expectations on her about her role in the home.
She may feel like you’re being overly critical of her and how she chooses to contribute to her family.
5 Signs Your Son’s Mother-in-Law Is Toxic
In the same way that parents, grandparents, and even friends can be toxic to our relationships, our in-laws can be, too.
This is the type of person who, no matter how well you treat them, will always find a way to bring their negative energy into the space. Dealing with a toxic mother-in-law can be especially difficult because she’s responsible for raising your grandchildren and being a loving wife to your son.
For many of us who deal with this type of situation, it can be emotionally draining trying to figure out how to handle the situation.
If you feel like you might be dealing with this type of situation, consider these signs that your daughter-in-law is toxic to see if your hunch is right.
1 She limits the amount of contact you can have with your son
This is a very clear sign of many controlling daughters-in-law. One of the ways she can negatively impact your life is by creating a barrier between you and your relationship with your son.
A strong relationship with your son is a big part of how involved you are in his life and the life of his family. If your daughter-in-law doesn’t love you and is a toxic person, she will do everything she can to destroy that relationship in any way she can.
She may talk badly about you to her husband and make you seem like the bad guy. She may even exaggerate things you’ve said or done to justify why she doesn’t want to talk to you or see you as much. Her goal is to cut off your relationship to maintain her power and keep you away.
2 She doesn’t try to hide the fact that she doesn’t love you
She always goes out of her way to make sure you know that she can’t stand you. This can be passive-aggressive or she may tell you outright.
She may get upset over every little thing you do or say. Or she may belittle you in front of other family members and make you seem like the toxic one.
She may be rude to you in front of other family members and try to remind you of your “place” in the family dynamic. Her ultimate goal is to put you down in order to make herself feel better and more powerful.
3 She exhibits incredibly selfish and narcissistic behaviors
Another clear sign of a bad daughter-in-law is a woman who consistently exhibits incredibly selfish behavior. How does she act around you?
How does she treat others? She may just be the type of person who only cares about herself, her wants, and her needs.
When dealing with a narcissist, you will begin to notice that they are only nice to you when they need something.
However, once they get what they want, they will go right back to treating you badly or like you don’t exist. It’s all about getting what they want and once you’re no longer useful, they will dump you.
4 She limits the number of times you get to see your grandchildren to an absolute minimum and tries to smear you in front of them
If your daughter-in-law doesn’t like you or is a toxic person in general, she will do her best to limit the number of times you get to see your grandchildren.
Even the kindest and most supportive daughter-in-law will be protective of her children. After all, they are her pride and joy and it’s completely understandable that she would want to be the main influence in their lives.
However, if she is a toxic person, this protectiveness will actually translate into being overly protective and possessive of the children.
She will make sure that her family sees the grandchildren often and will find excuses to keep the children away from you. She may even start talking badly about you to children.
5 She talks badly about you to other family members and anyone who will listen
When she starts to feel like her power is being threatened or she feels particularly vengeful, she will start talking badly about you to anyone who will listen.
She will do her best to try to ruin your reputation in the family and ruin your reputation in front of everyone. She may even play up drama for her friends and family members.
It doesn’t matter if the things she says are all lies. She’s not above making up situations and comments to make you look bad.
If you ever confront her and try to set boundaries, she may even lie about talking about you to other people and deny the whole situation.
How to Deal with a Daughter-in-Law Who Doesn’t Like You
It can be difficult to know what to do when your daughter-in-law hates you. Working on improving the situation with her requires building a lot of trust and mutual understanding. It also requires you both to be honest about what sparked the resentment between you.
You may have crossed your boundaries without realizing it and have been holding a grudge ever since. It’s also important to remember to welcome her into the family without reservation.
Your goal as a mother-in-law is to initiate the relationship and create an environment where she feels welcome and safe. She may have been raised very differently than you, too.
It’s easy to misread people’s behaviors and misinterpret the things they do. You may have misread her behavior as introversion or rudeness when she was simply feeling shy or uncomfortable.
Finally, if you’re dealing with a toxic and extremely difficult daughter-in-law, you need to at least create a relationship based on respect.
Since she is married to your son, she will now be part of your family. You will be in touch, whether you like it or not. You may not have the warm relationship you always dreamed of, but you can still be kind and respectful to each other.
