Narcissists live and breathe supply; praise, admiration, and status are what make their lives worth living. While we all love to feel special from time to time, narcissists are like drug addicts in their never-ending search for more supply.
Given the importance of supply, victims of narcissistic abuse may wonder how narcissists treat their old source of supply and what makes them act the way they do.
The way a narcissist treats their former source of supply has nothing to do with the person and everything to do with the narcissist’s current state of mind. If a narcissist needs supply and believes you can provide it, they will do everything they can to get you back and manipulate you into giving up the supply they need.
On the other hand, if a narcissist finds a better, newer source of supply, you mean nothing to them and are treated with disdain or ignored altogether.
To understand the true impact that narcissistic supply has on relationships, we need to unpack what supply means and its power over a narcissist.
What is Narcissistic Supply?
Society tends to think of narcissists as cunning, sometimes evil people who seek out victims to control. While some narcissists may act this way, most are not psychopaths devoid of normal human emotions. They are filled with feelings such as insecurity, doubt, and self-loathing. Narcissists seek positive affirmation from their environment—their romantic partners, friends, coworkers, and neighbors—to cope with these negative feelings.
This affirmation is referred to as narcissistic supply, and without it, the narcissist feels empty and worthless.
So what do narcissists do when their supply runs out? First, they may attack their previous sources of supply. In their minds, these are the people who are supposed to make them feel better and they are not doing their job.
If that fails, the narcissist will look for new sources of supply—people who are unaware of the narcissist’s manipulations and lies. If they can’t find any sources of supply, they are likely to despair—withdrawing from a world that is unable to recognize their talents and greatness.
Types of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic supply comes in two forms: primary and secondary.
Primary Supply:
For all but the most popular and well-connected, primary supply can be difficult to find. It’s the kind of appreciation and admiration that comes from people you don’t know well or at all—the narcissist’s admirers.
Related : Can A Narcissist Be Faithful In A Relationship?
So narcissists end up seeking this form of supply through sexual conquest, relationships in their professional lives, or even criminal acts. For narcissists, all forms of attention are good attention, even negative publicity or criminal punishment.
Secondary Supply:
Secondary supply comes from people the narcissist interacts with regularly—his current partner, friends, neighbors, or coworkers.
These are the people who support the narcissist on a daily basis by showering them with praise and admiration. If they fail in this regard, they will be forced into a one-sided relationship where they must constantly express their approval not to upset the narcissist.
Partners of narcissists often wonder, do narcissists care about their supply? Primary and secondary sources are dispensed with if given the opportunity, but did the narcissist ever have feelings for them in the first place?
No, narcissists do not have the emotional capacity to care about their supply as individuals, but rather as a source that can be called upon only when necessary.
Whenever narcissists enter a new relationship, there is a honeymoon phase, a period in which they are filled with excitement and passion for their new partner. Unfortunately, these feelings do not arise so much from the new partner as from the narcissist himself.
This raises the question, do narcissists love their new source of supply? No, they just love what this person can offer them in the form of supply. They love how this new person makes them feel.
As with any infatuation, these feelings fade over time and narcissists become frustrated by their new partner’s inability to excite them in the way they used to. Each new partner is set up to fail by the narcissist.
Over time, the new source of supply becomes less desirable to the narcissist. To remedy this, narcissists devalue their partner in an attempt to control them and get more of the supply they so desperately need. Eventually, even these tactics fail and the narcissist has no choice but to dump their partner and find a new source of supply.
When narcissists dump their partner, they usually find a new partner very quickly (or have already found one before the dump). Dumping a narcissist is a confident move that the narcissist only makes when they feel comfortable in their ability to get more supply.
Immediately after a breakup, or in this case a narcissistic dump, the narcissist probably won’t be very interested in their old supply.
They have moved away from this source because they have a new one and no longer need the old one. However, this period of isolation does not last forever, and there are several different ways in which they may react later.
TheyBecomeYourWorstEnemy
You might assume that a sudden and bitter breakup means that the narcissist will never speak to you again. Unfortunately, this rarely happens; the narcissist may choose to continue a largely negative relationship with you where they insult, demean, and try to make your life worse.
This type of relationship acts as a source of support for the narcissist; they get your attention, and most importantly, they exert control over you.
If you find a new partner, they will try to sabotage the relationship. You need to be there if they need more support, and having a new partner complicates that.
Do Narcissists Return to Their Old Source?
In short – all the time. Narcissists need a constant source, and sometimes they don’t have a new relationship or haven’t properly trained their new partner to give them what they need. They need that familiar relationship, the one where they know how to control the person and extract the source they need.
Often, the narcissist will approach you and say that they made a mistake by leaving the relationship. On the other hand, they may seem genuinely remorseful, and tell you how miserable they are in the new relationship.
Since they are returning to you, the last part of this statement may be true; the narcissist is not getting what they want from their new source of supply.
But they are not sorry for leaving you – the narcissist is oblivious to your feelings because their mind is too busy with their own feelings. The narcissist just knows that they feel unfulfilled and that you were able to help them through that in the past.
In this case, your best option is to politely walk away. Tell the narcissist that your relationship was never good and that it was for the best that they left. Don’t believe their apologies, as this will only drag you back into their supply cycle.
What Happens When Narcissists Replace You With New Supply?
Narcissists often switch their supply sources when they aren’t getting what they need. For example, a narcissist may start an extramarital affair while maintaining a relationship with their spouse.
Narcissists need to hide their new supply from their old supply to keep everything running smoothly. They want the rush that comes with cheating, which you can think of as the primary source, while holding on to the respect and status of the marriage, which is the secondary source.
They are also not fully convinced by their new relationship. They need to know that this person can provide them with the level of supply they are used to.
Since they are coming back to you, the last part of this statement may be true; the narcissist is not getting what they want from their new source of supply.
This deception will not last forever, as the narcissist will eventually feel secure with their new source of supply and need the old one.
They are ready to go public with the new relationship, with the narcissist showing off their new supply. They will be less careful about meeting their new partner or covering up their evidence.
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If they are called out on their relationship, they will blame their old source of supply, saying they weren’t good enough to make the relationship worth it. This type of manipulation is the hallmark of narcissistic abuse.
How to Tell if a Narcissist Has a New Source of Supply?
Narcissists are usually very skilled at covering their tracks when they have a new source of supply. They don’t care how you feel, but they do care about maintaining their status and maintaining access to an old source of supply. These are just a few of the subtle clues that a narcissist has a new source of supply.
They’re More Open With Others
When a narcissist has a new source of supply, they’re on top of the world and they want everyone to know it. Additionally, their new relationship brings them confidence and status, which will make them appear more open with friends and colleagues.
When they turn to you, that openness will evaporate, because you are a reminder of their past self who is lacking in so many ways.
They Stop Planning a Future with You
Remember when the narcissist said you were their soulmate and that you would be together forever? This was probably a case of emotional bombardment—the emotional manipulation intended to make you feel special, but then suddenly stops when they no longer see you as a source of supply.
They Point Out All Your Flaws
No one is perfect, but we don’t need to be reminded of every mistake we’ve made over the years on a daily basis. Narcissists use this constant criticism to get out of the relationship only when they’ve actually found someone else.
They Care Too Much About Their Appearance
Once a narcissist is settled in a relationship, they often neglect their appearance. They stop exercising, fall behind on grooming habits, and don’t put in any effort when you’re the only one who will see them. If you notice the narcissist buying new clothes, getting a different haircut, and trying to lose a few pounds, there’s a good chance they have a new partner in the making.
Do Narcissists Compare Supplies?
Narcissists don’t compare supplies so much as they evaluate. Sources of supplies are like a menu at a restaurant, where the narcissist orders something different depending on how they’re feeling at the moment.
Sometimes they need sexual conquest to feel attractive, and other times they need reassurance and praise from an intimate relationship to boost their self-esteem.
Narcissists compare supplies as much as they evaluate what kind of supplies they need now and whether they can get them from that source.
But in general, narcissists prefer new supplies to old supplies. As with all things new, it feels more intimate. Additionally, the lack of familiarity makes the relationship more exciting and the source is less aware of the narcissist’s manipulation tactics, making it easier to control.
When a Narcissist Replaces You, Let Them
Having your partner leave you as if they don’t care about anything in the world hurts. You feel less valuable and that pain probably won’t heal until your next relationship.
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However, a complete breakup is the best thing you can ask of a narcissist. At least for a while, they will be obsessed with the relationship they replaced you in. So use that obsession to your advantage to get as far away from the narcissist as possible.
The vast majority of narcissists will return to their old sources of supply, and they do it in such a charming way that they return with open arms.
Narcissists rarely change, although their lack of empathy is a defining personality trait. They only come back to you because they want that old supply.
If you want to live a drama-free life full of healthy relationships, you need to turn your back on the narcissist and refuse to provide that support.
