A breakup usually signals the end of a relationship, but not when you break up with a narcissist. Even if you cut off all contact, a narcissist will continually seek new ways to get your attention.
Even if they leave you, they won’t let you move on because they can’t stand the interruption of their narcissistic supply. They still crave your attention because you once satisfied their insatiable need for attention and admiration.
As clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula explains, “A narcissist’s primary motivation is validation… and an ex is often an interesting place to get it.”
Like my fellow psychologist, I’ve interviewed many narcissists in my practice and have seen the lasting impact narcissists can have on their exes.
10 Signs Your Narcissistic Ex Wants Your Attention
1 They Overdo It
If a narcissistic ex wants your attention, they’ll often resort to the tried-and-tested love-bombing technique.
Related : The Narcissist Stare : How They Use Their Eyes to Manipulate You
This includes showering you with compliments, gifts, admiration, and affection.
Love bombing is a great way to get someone’s attention, which is what a narcissist wants (and needs) to compensate for their low self-esteem.
A narcissist constantly seeks attention and assumes that others want it too. Of course, their goal isn’t to make you feel good about yourself, but to weaken your resistance so they can regain control over you.
2 They Show Up Constantly
Narcissists use a variety of behaviors to get attention, including “accidentally” texting you or bumping into you.
A friend of mine who was recently dumped by a narcissistic girlfriend can’t seem to go anywhere without her showing up. It’s like she’s stalking him, though she claims it’s just a coincidence.
She used to never drink coffee, but now she goes to the coffee shop near his workplace every morning. She’s even started working out at the same gym he goes to.
She wants his attention, even though she keeps saying she wants to move on with the relationship.
This behavior is annoying and typical of a narcissist who has been rejected or dumped. They feel deeply hurt by the rejection and can’t accept that you no longer want them in your life.
In response, they resort to manipulation techniques like this to try to lure you back into the relationship.
This is known as “vacuuming,” and you can learn more about it in my article on why a vacuuming narcissist won’t leave you alone.
3 They Show Exaggerated Anxiety
At the same time that he’s dealing with his ex showing up at all his favorite places, my friend is also struggling with her own fake anxiety.
When she sees him at the coffee shop, she looks worried and asks, “Are you okay? Are you having trouble sleeping again?”
She uses her knowledge of his past issues to get his attention and present herself as a caring person who only cares about his well-being.
She even tells mutual friends that she’s worried about him, asking them to check in on him and let her know how he’s doing.
One evening, she called him on the phone, saying she understood that the breakup had hit him hard and offered to come over and comfort him.
This is a clear sign that your narcissistic ex wants your attention, but if you give in and accept his concern, he will soon use it against you, belittling you and pointing out how dependent you are on him for emotional support.
4 They sabotage you
If showering you with compliments and trying to get your attention with fake attention doesn’t work, the narcissist will try to sabotage instead. This can be subtle or very blatant, but it’s always destructive.
I knew a narcissist who didn’t mind attending his ex-girlfriend’s graduation party, even though she begged him not to.
Needless to say, his presence ruined the party for her, and she ended up sitting in the corner while he took all the credit for her accomplishments.
More covert narcissists use more covert techniques, such as posting revealing photos of you on social media or telling your friends that you need professional help for your mental health issues.
Just as some people think that no publicity is bad publicity, the narcissist feels that there is no such thing as negative attention. Any attention is good as long as they are in the center of it. That way, they still get their primary narcissistic supply.
The best thing to do if your ex is seeking attention through sabotage is to ignore them. If they show up at a social event, talk to someone else. If they keep mentioning you on social media, block them.
The sooner you can detach from your ex and ignore their attempts to get your attention, the better.
5 They’re Looking for Information About You
Attention-seeking narcissists will do anything to maintain contact with you, even if it means using others. If you block your ex, they’ll quickly reach out to mutual friends and family members to extract information about you.
Narcissists will use a number of techniques to get your attention, including manipulating conversations with mutual acquaintances to get information about you.
This may include dropping subtle hints, like, “I saw X the other day, and she seemed tired,” in hopes of learning more about your emotional state.
They’ll also manipulate your friends into revealing intimate details about you, which they can use to get your attention and undermine you.
More covert narcissists may turn to social media to do their work for them, even if you unfollow or block them.
They may ask mutual friends to monitor your online presence so they can gather information about your activities without engaging with you directly.
If that doesn’t get your attention, they will go a step further and start spreading lies and false narratives to manipulate others’ opinions of you.
6 They Play the Victim
A narcissistic ex will pretend to be the aggrieved party to get your attention. They may do this directly, saying things like, “I don’t understand why you’re being so cruel,” or “Why do you want to hurt me when you know I love you?”
Related : How Long Does Love Bombing Last with a Narcissist?
If you refuse to respond to such statements, they will turn their attention to your friends and acquaintances. To them, they will act like the innocent victim and seek to place the blame on you.
They exaggerate their emotions, acting like they’re destructive and heartbroken, hoping their behavior will elicit a response and enable them to draw you back into their sphere of influence.
When it comes to narcissists and attention seeking, there are no boundaries. In fact, ex-narcissists use social media to get your attention and elicit a response.
They may post emotional messages like, “I feel so alone and betrayed right now. I can’t believe someone I trusted could hurt me like this,” or post song lyrics or poetry that ignore their broken heart and desire for reconciliation.
Narcissists use these techniques just to get back into your life. Give in to this victim, and you’ll quickly be back in the relationship, so you have to maintain your boundaries and trust your narrative.
7 They Get Involved with the Law
The friend I mentioned earlier was shocked and terrified when he found out his narcissistic ex-wife was seeking a restraining order against him. He couldn’t think of a reason why she would do such a thing except for revenge – and to get his attention!
This may seem counterintuitive, but it often works. Filing a retaliatory restraining order not only puts the narcissist back in the spotlight, it also forces you to deal with them.
You may feel shocked and anxious when faced with legal action, which makes you more likely to reach out and try to find a more peaceful solution.
The narcissist also knows that legal action will require interactions between the two of you, which keeps your attention fixed on them just as they like to do.
8 They Brag About Their Accomplishments
If you get rid of the narcissist first, they will be eager to prove that you made a mistake, and what better way to do that than to make sure you know what you’re missing out on?
To do this, the narcissist will brag about their successes, telling your mutual friends about the new car they bought or how much fun they had at a recent work event. They will emphasize their importance in order to regain your attention and admiration.
They may use social media to promote recent promotions or ask people for opinions on a new haircut or expensive outfit.
This attention-seeking behavior isn’t just about making them look good, it’s also about making you jealous.
Some narcissists will openly celebrate a new relationship, saying how relieved they are to have found someone they can trust.
Don’t fall for this kind of attention-seeking manipulation. Remember, underneath the newfound success or fancy clothes is the same narcissist who undermined you and made your life miserable.
9 They intentionally overstep your boundaries
You’ve tried to distance yourself from your attention-seeking ex, but they won’t take no for an answer. They continue to text you, even though you’ve asked them not to, and they regularly post nostalgic photos and memories of you on social media.
This is typical of an attention-seeking narcissist. Some will also use a different cell phone number or email address to bypass any blocks or restrictions you’ve put in place to keep them out.
In extreme cases, they may use guilt-tripping tactics to pressure you into engaging with them. For example, they may fabricate a crisis to elicit sympathy and make you feel obligated to help them resolve it.
Whatever tactics they use, be sure to protect your boundaries.
No contact is the only way to get out of a narcissistic relationship with any semblance of self-esteem intact.
As I explained in another article, “No contact is pure rejection and ultimate revenge. It’s empowerment. It’s your last word [and] one of the most painful narcissistic injuries you can inflict.”
10 Flip the script
Attention-seeking narcissists don’t care if they hurt you. They want you to start filling their narcissistic reservoir again, and they have to flip the script to do that, and they will.
Imagine this scenario: You and your ex have broken up for several months, but you see them at the gym almost every day. You’ve tried changing your routine to avoid them, but nothing seems to work.
Related : How To Make a Narcissist Jealous?
When you confront him, he shrugs and says, “I didn’t know you were bothered by the gym timing. I’m just focused on my workouts and achieving my goals. If it bothers you, that’s your problem.”
See how this has now become your problem?
Another way he might flip the script is by shifting the focus with a comment like, “Why are you obsessing over something so trivial? Shouldn’t you be focusing on your own personal growth right now?”
He might even try to manipulate you into thinking you’re stalking him: “Why are you so obsessed with me? You keep showing up everywhere I go. I can’t get away from you!”
It’s hard to ignore this kind of attention-seeking, as you’ll feel compelled to justify your behavior and defend yourself. Resist the temptation, and do whatever it takes to stick to your own narrative and reinforce your boundaries.
If you’re having trouble, email me, and I’ll see what I can do to help.
