Empathy is important in relationships; it allows us to understand what our partner is feeling and support them when times are tough.

If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you probably expect them to empathize with you from time to time.

Unfortunately, a narcissist is incapable of showing empathy for your experience.

They may be able to pretend to from time to time, but they can’t feel for you in the way that someone who isn’t narcissistic can.

Learn why below.

TheyLackEmpathyByDefinition

When we talk about narcissism, we’re referring to people who suffer from or exhibit traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Lack of empathy is one of the diagnostic criteria for narcissism.

Related : Don’t Fall Prey to a Narcissist’s False Promises

So, by definition, a narcissist is someone who lacks empathy. They’re consumed by their own needs and desires, and they don’t find space for the feelings of others.

TheyBelievingThey’re Superior to You

It’s common knowledge that narcissists see themselves as superior to others. They believe they’re special and should be treated as such.

Therefore, narcissists don’t have time to think about your feelings or struggles. They are hyper-focused on their own needs for attention and admiration.

If a narcissist abuses you, they are unlikely to take responsibility for it or care about how you feel.

After all, they see you as less than them, so they shouldn’t be thinking about you anyway.

YouAreJustAFantasy

People with narcissistic traits often fantasize about achieving ideal love, power, and beauty. If you’re in a relationship with someone like this, you’re simply part of their fantasy.

They expect you to play the role of their ideal, seductive lover, which requires you to follow a certain script.

The narcissist doesn’t actually see you as a separate person, with your own needs, desires, and perspectives.

Instead, you’re an extension of the narcissist, there to serve them. It’s hard for a narcissist to even understand that you might have feelings that are different from their own.

They can’t empathize with you, simply because they see things through their own lenses.

You are there to meet his needs

When you enter into a relationship with a narcissist, you pledge to meet his every demand.

This means that you will care about his needs, provide him with endless favors, and shower him with affection and attention whenever he asks for it.

A narcissist cannot imagine a world where his partner does not meet his every demand.

He will be shocked if you are not available to him exactly when he needs you, or if you dare to say no to one of his demands.

The point here is that your need for empathy has nothing to do with the narcissist. He is not with you to meet your feelings. He is in the relationship for you to meet his needs!

Exploitation is their primary tactic

Another characteristic of Narcissistic Personality Disorder is the willingness to exploit others for personal gain.

When a narcissist chooses a partner, they often choose someone who has a lot to offer.

This means that they want a partner who is intelligent, attractive, and successful. They prefer someone who can enhance their status, fill their bank accounts, and advance their own interests.

Narcissists choose these types of partners to take advantage of what their partner has to offer. They will have no remorse for exploiting you for your money, or for what you can do for them.

For example, if you are at the top of their game in the industry they work in, they may date you for a while in order to advance their career. Because of their exploitative nature, narcissists have no remorse for exploiting you for their own personal gain.

Since their sole goal is to take advantage of you, a narcissist has no regard for your feelings.

They view a relationship as a transaction; you give them what they need, and they agree to be in a relationship with you, while giving you little or nothing in return.

TheyDeserve

Narcissism comes with a strong sense of entitlement. Your narcissistic partner believes that you should automatically give in to their demands, and they feel entitled to take whatever they want from you.

The problem with this sense of entitlement is that the narcissist won’t like it when you set boundaries or put your own needs before theirs, even when you’re being completely reasonable.

Related : Six Reasons Narcissists Suddenly Go Silent

So if you tell them no, or stand up for your own needs, the narcissist may react with anger. They may also punish you with the silent treatment or disappear from your life for days if you upset them.

This is where the lack of empathy comes in: The narcissist can’t empathize with your feelings or frustrations.

They feel entitled to treat you badly if you say no. As far as they’re concerned, you broke the rules, and your negative feelings are your fault.

They view feelings as weakness

What narcissists don’t want you to know is that they have low self-esteem. Beneath their arrogant demeanor, they are insecure and highly self-critical.

To protect themselves from feelings of shame and inadequacy, narcissists maintain a tough exterior.

They view sharing their feelings or showing any kind of vulnerability as weakness. Showing vulnerability means letting their tough exterior crumble.

Because narcissists have hardened their emotions, they don’t have any room for your feelings either.

When you share that you’re upset about something they did, they feel like you’re simply being weak or too sensitive.

In their minds, they don’t need you to show any empathy for how you’re feeling. Instead, they expect you to “toughen up” and move on with your life, away from whatever’s bothering you.

TheyAreAfraidofShame

Narcissists can’t handle shame or guilt. Because they are so self-critical and have fragile self-esteem, they must maintain an arrogant, self-confident persona.

In addition, they need you to compliment and admire them, to bolster the huge ego they have built to protect themselves. This means that if they wrong you, they will never be able to take responsibility for it.

Admitting to wrongdoing because they wronged you would make the narcissist feel ashamed, which is one of their worst fears.

Related : The Hidden Objectives Narcissists Don’t Want You to Know

Showing empathy for what they have done, and validating your feelings, would mean admitting that they are not perfect.

So, if they have hurt you in some way, showing empathy for you would make the narcissist feel so ashamed, their entire self-protective system would collapse.

Conclusion

Empathy goes against most of what makes a narcissist a narcissist. People with narcissistic traits are arrogant and conceited, and are more concerned with getting their demands met.

A narcissist will never have time for your feelings because they don’t care about your needs. You are in their life to meet their needs and help them maintain their inflated ego.

If you choose to stay in a relationship with a narcissist, never expect them to feel your pain, especially if they are the one causing it.

If you want a relationship that is reciprocal and truly caring, you will have to leave the narcissist behind.