Narcissists don’t like to be told “no.” If you’ve ever spent any time interacting with a narcissist, you’re probably familiar with this. You know that their ego can’t stand not getting exactly what they want.
The first time you witness a narcissist not getting what they want, you may be shocked or confused by their reaction. Maybe you think you did something wrong or don’t understand how this person who was once so in love with you is now so angry with you.
It’s understandable that narcissists’ behavior can be confusing, especially when they’re reacting to not getting what they want. It’s natural to want to know if the reaction you’re seeing is typical of a narcissist.
Below, we’ll talk about what typically happens when narcissists don’t get what they want. Hopefully, you’ll understand that you’re not at fault for their reaction.
1 Temper Tantrums
Narcissists believe they’re superior to others, and therefore also expect automatic compliance with their demands. When people give them exactly what they want, narcissists feel in control, and this reinforces their belief that others are inferior to them.
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Narcissists must maintain this superiority because beneath their arrogant facade, they are insecure about themselves. Deep down, they feel inadequate and rely on external validation to maintain their sense of self.
When you don’t give a narcissist what they want, they may react with anger. The threat to their ego is more than they can handle, so they lash out in anger. They may yell, curse, destroy things, or even act violently toward you.
2 The Silent Treatment
A narcissist is deeply hurt when you don’t give them what they want, and they will become angry at you for failing to comply with their request. To punish you, they may hit you with the silent treatment.
This may include disappearing for days, or refusing to answer your calls or texts. The narcissist hopes that you will be so upset by the silent treatment that you will do everything you can to avoid getting it again.
Essentially, the narcissist trains you to give them what they want, so you don’t have to endure the pain of being ignored. Again, the narcissist maintains control over your behavior.
3 Toddler-Like Tantrums
We expect toddlers to throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want, but eventually they grow out of it. Unfortunately, the narcissist, who is so emotionally vulnerable, never grows out of this childish behavior.
If it looks like the narcissist is having a tantrum, it probably is. This behavior can be horrifying to witness from an adult, but it’s normal for a narcissist who hasn’t gotten what they want.
When you don’t give a narcissist what they want, they’re likely to whine and whine and whine until you give in. They may accuse you of being selfish, complain about how unfair the world is, or throw insults at you to make themselves feel better.
The narcissist likely doesn’t realize how immature their behavior is during a tantrum, and they don’t care. They’ll rant and rave, displaying a complete loss of emotional control.
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This behavior is so shocking to everyone around the narcissist that they’ll change their behavior to avoid triggering the narcissist again. Over time, you’ll notice that you’re always walking on eggshells to avoid another tantrum.
4 Seeking Revenge
A narcissist who hasn’t gotten what they want may go so far as to seek revenge. If you fail to comply with their demands, the narcissist will perceive that you are intentionally hurting them and trying to sabotage their plans.
The narcissist cannot imagine a world where they do not always get what they want. They believe they deserve automatic compliance with all their demands. When you fail to comply, the narcissist believes that you have wronged them and deserve to be punished.
In an attempt to get revenge, the narcissist may try to sabotage your goals. This may look like spreading rumors to ruin your reputation, interfering with a project or goal you are working toward, or even trying to get you into trouble at work.
5 Emotional Manipulation
The narcissist needs to maintain power and control over you, and when you do not give them what they want, they panic because they believe they are losing control. To regain control, they will use all their manipulative tactics to convince you that you are wrong.
They may trick you by dragging a third party, such as a friend or family member, into the conflict. They will tell you that this third party believes you are unfair and selfish.
Or he may trick you, telling you that you’re crazy for not giving him what he wants. If all else fails, he’ll likely resort to insulting you until you break down to the point where you give him whatever he asks for.
6 Find Alternative Sources of Narcissistic Supply
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, your job is to be a source of narcissistic supply. This means that you feed the narcissist’s ego by showering him with love and attention and meeting his every demand.
If you’re not giving the narcissist what he wants, you’re not fulfilling your duties as a source of supply. The narcissist will likely look for alternative sources of supply to feed his wounded ego.
They may be deceiving you behind your back with a new goal that is still too blind to see their games. Or they may outwardly tell you that they will get it somewhere else if you don’t give them what they want.
OtherConsiderations
We’ve spent a great deal of time talking about how a narcissist acts when their partner doesn’t give them what they want. It’s also important to keep in mind that narcissistic reactions like the ones we discussed above are likely to occur in any scenario where the narcissist doesn’t get what they want.
If a friend or family member doesn’t give them what they want, they’re likely to exhibit some of the behaviors listed above. Narcissistic outbursts and rage can also occur if they don’t get what they want at work or if they don’t get special treatment while in public.
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For example, a narcissist may expect special treatment from retail workers or restaurant employees. When they don’t get what they want, they’re likely to get angry and not hesitate to yell and scream at employees.
If you’re a partner of a narcissist, you may also pay the price for upsetting others. When you try to argue with them, you’ll also be on the receiving end of their anger.
Or they may take out some of their frustration on you. After all, they expect you to side with them and feed their ego so they can feel superior again.
No matter who fails to give the narcissist exactly what they want, they’re likely to react with anger, tantrums, or retaliatory behavior. Not getting what they want makes the narcissist feel inferior and triggers their greatest fear: being seen as anything but special.
