I see it all the time…

“Please help me expose the narcissist in my life. I need them and everyone around them to see the kind of person they really are underneath all this!”

If it were as easy as catching them and exposing their manipulative ways, I would be one of the first people to advise you exactly what to do to give you the justice you deserve.

Why can’t I do that?

Because exposing a narcissist is one of the things that will make your life absolutely miserable, and here’s why.

Technical details aside…

Yes, yes you can expose them if you really want to. You can look them in the eye and tell them what a horrible, selfish, destructive, soul-destroying person they truly are.

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You can scream at them until your face turns blue.

Will they listen?

No.

Will they care?

They will only care about throwing rocks at their “perfect” selves.

So first things first… calling out the narcissist is technically possible, but it never ends well, but I want to protect you from it, and here’s why.

IfYouCallTheNarcissist

The temptation is strong, isn’t it?

You want to scream and tell them exactly what you’re thinking.

Your knowledge of narcissism grows stronger by the day, and your desire to use what you’ve learned as a weapon of self-protection begins to take precedence.

Your goal is to want the same protection for yourself that I want for you, and no matter how much you scream at them, it won’t change anything.

If you decide to do this, you’ll end up being told that all the things you feel about the narcissist are actually coming from you.

You are the problem.

The narcissist is the victim.

The problem is exponentially getting worse.

TakingTheGlovesOff

What you want to avoid is the initial “taking the gloves off” phase of calling out the narcissist. Avoiding the conversation (or potential argument) will save you the hassle of hearing the narcissist mutter the following types of statements.

Do you know how crazy you sound right now?

Why are you in such a bad mood?

Why are you getting back at me?

I think you’ll find out that you’re the narcissist, not me.

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Really? You must be having one of those days when you feel so confused.

Gaslighting and manipulation would be rated a hundred.

They will hurl insults at you with more force than you are prepared or able to push away, because they want to make you the problem. They can’t put the spotlight on them – it’s simply not an option in their books.

With every angry word they spit out, you’ll feel smaller as you shrink to the size they want you to feel and be.

You’ll feel lost and anxious that you’ll lead yourself to believe you can convince them that they have any problems at all.

Calling out the narcissist will drain your energy supply.

TheyRefuseToListen – As Usual

What happened? You know exactly who they are, you know their destructive behaviours perfectly well but they’ve never listened to you since the first moment they met you.

Of course they’ve been pretending to, to impress you and impress you, but they don’t care what you have to say because your feelings don’t matter to them.

So ask yourself this question.

Why do you think they’ll suddenly start listening now?

What world do you live in where you think a narcissist will turn a good, honest page for your feelings?

When everything makes sense to you

Finding out that a narcissist is a narcissist will make you want to tell them, and I totally get that. You want to show them, like hold up a mirror to their face and say, “Look at what I see!”

I’m telling you like a pro—big mistake.

A narcissist won’t take that.

You’re putting yourself in the line of fire

Harm is done to all those who light the fire and refuse to move themselves out of its path.

Calling out a narcissist is like lighting a match in the woods, dropping it on dry ground, and staying exactly where you are. The fire won’t deflect and keep you safe, it will push you forward because it has no feelings and doesn’t care about you.

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You will burn.

That’s why I like to compare this scenario to the narcissist’s character—because they have so much in common.

Your words are worth nothing

Now—you can prepare for days, weeks, or even months. You can say all the right things you’ve been practicing, and give the narcissist all your fears and thoughts—but it won’t be worth anything to them.

Their defensiveness will be overwhelming, and they will likely rush you in a way you’ve never felt or seen before. It’s as if the narcissist knows that at some point, you’re going to have this kind of conversation with them. They’re more than ready for you, and their power will be stronger than you give yourself credit for being able to handle.

You see it, and I know you see it. Knowing that you’re suffering from it keeps you up at night.

Now you want justice, and you’re looking for ways to call them out.

The narcissist won’t agree, but what you can do is more effective.

Do this instead

You have options—much more powerful options for you—and once you put the pieces of the puzzle together, you can outmaneuver the narcissist’s emotional pull on your life by taking the more tactical route.

The next step in getting to know the narcissist is getting to know you and how you respond to them. Look for ways that different techniques can help you stay awake. Look at how you can work on not getting drawn into the conflict, or internalizing their problems as your own. Look at yourself as someone they’re trying to diminish, but only because you have everything they want.

Realizing that you can protect yourself from narcissists is an opportunity to protect yourself, and perhaps even other people, from narcissists.

StopSupplyingThem

Diminishing your narcissistic supply will slowly but surely, and eventually, dry them up.

This distance means you are no longer engaged in their manipulation. You are not the bait. They will eventually get frustrated that you are no longer playing their game—and they will try to lure you back in with different tricks—but you know you have them figured out.

It won’t happen again.