Now I’m announcing it…
…Wait! I said “I do?”
Marrying a narcissist isn’t the end of the world (there’s always a way out, even if it’s messy). However, understanding exactly what you’re getting into once you see the mask start to slip can be devastating.
You think you’re starting a whole new chapter with the person you love, only to realize that they’re a narcissist and any happiness you feel you deserve will be crushed over the years.
You then ask yourself, “Why would they want to get married if they’re so toxic?”
Well, believe it or not, there are several reasons why a narcissist might want to exchange vows and commit to a life with someone—and, spoiler alert, none of those reasons are in your best interest.
Let’s take a deeper look.
ForYou…
Marriage is a symbol of love. It shows your commitment to making your relationship with someone you care deeply about work. It represents the conscious desire and willingness to be there for that person through thick and thin.
Related : Why Are Narcissists So Mean?
Through thick and thin, and everything in between.
You have every right to embrace these values about marriage.
It takes work to make a marriage last and stand the test of time. It takes strength, love, patience, and compromise. It also takes compassion and the understanding that you both need to be yourself within the union, so that you don’t get lost in each other’s identities.
This is why you might get married anyway…
FearOfAbandonment
Often overlooked, the narcissist actually has a fear of abandonment.
I’m just talking about you going out for drinks with your friends on the weekend (although, equally, I might actually be if the fear is that bad), but I’m talking about you leaving them.
They can’t stand the thought of rejection because if you walk away, it’ll be a sign that you no longer want them.
What does this do?
Well, it rekindles their secret but deep-seated belief that they’re not good enough, that they’re actually very unlovable, and that they don’t deserve to be with anyone as good as you.
Marriage is a reassuring way for the narcissist to believe and realize that they are in something “permanent” – which can help quell the fires of insecurity that will leave them with.
Expectations within their culture
Marriage is still seen by many as a pressure or expectation to get married. When we look around the world, and I think we are getting better at this as a society by the way, marriage, at its core, is proof that you are doing what is expected of you.
Narcissists love this idea, because they feel like they are conforming to an idea or concept that proves they are one of those who are dedicated to keeping those concepts alive.
Related : Things Narcissists do When They’re Jealous of You
If it doesn’t work for the narcissist, they will continue to do so, because they want to look good in everyone’s eyes.
While this may be superficial – well – that’s the narcissist.
TheyLoveASHOTS!
I mean – like any of us need a reminder of the narcissist’s love and passion for a good show, and what better show than a wedding!
Come on everyone!
If they can sell tickets, they will!
For one day, they will be the center of attention, getting the chance to declare their love for you in front of hundreds of potential people. What better way to get rid of their narcissistic odor than to prove their love and affection for you in the form of vows, promises, rings, and gestures?
A narcissist wants to throw a wedding that no one will forget. Through themes, ideas, and over-the-top extravagance, they will ensure that their “love” for you will stick in the minds of your guests, which is especially helpful on occasions when you may decide to share your concerns later.
Clarity? What clarity?
Narcissists are not straightforward people. They never say what they mean, and they never mean what they say. They don’t like to sit on the sidelines of honesty, so they can sometimes enter into a marriage without any real idea of why.
For you, you love them, you want this, you want to settle down, have kids, and live happily ever after. For them? All they see is someone who wants them. They don’t understand why they’re getting into something so complicated, and that can make it obvious that you won’t be on the same wavelength with them all the time.
This lack of consistency will eventually become a problem, but it’s safe to say that there won’t be any shared values between you when you enter into marriage.
Is it hard for you to leave?
A narcissist sees marriage as a complete impossibility and you will never leave them. For you, saying yes to such a wonderful display of affection will make your day. You’ll feel like all your dreams have come true because this person actually loves you and wants to be with you!
For them? Well, they’ve got you. They’ve got you with all their might.
They know that when you say yes and support your way through the wedding plans and the fantasy wedding itself, that “contract” is final. The narcissist will always have someone to turn to for support, conflict, manipulation, shame, ridicule, criticism, the love bomb, and getting rid of it – that’s you now.
Related : Things Narcissists Will Never Do
Once you sign the dotted line, the narcissist knows that it will be hard for you to leave, and usually when it finally comes to divorce – the narcissist can make you pay for wanting to get out.
There’sAlwaysAway
I’m not here to tell you what to do. Whether you’re married, engaged, in a relationship, or single – the goal is to inform you and keep your knowledge of narcissism always on hand if you need it.
In that vein, I also want you to keep this information in a file in case you ever need to remember it.
There’s Always Away.
If you are in a marriage or relationship that is heading in this direction with a narcissist, and you feel or sense that you are trapped – do not believe for a second that there is no way out.
It doesn’t matter if you are twenty-five or eighty-five – you have earned your right to freedom if that is what you feel is calling you.
And freedom is attainable, regardless of what you have been led to believe.
