In previous posts, I’ve described why traditional emotional resilience doesn’t work in the 21st century—and what that means for building a mentally healthy life in today’s world.
In this post, I explain why many of the emotional struggles that men and women deal with today stem from a paradox: the standards that mental health experts and the general public set for adult mental health don’t describe an adult. Nor do they describe mental health.
Let me explain: When we entered the 21st century, mental health was largely defined by the absence of psychological symptoms. The problem is that this is like defining a happy person as someone who is not depressed. Moreover, what sometimes appears to be psychological symptoms reflect a movement toward greater health and growth in your life.
But more importantly, our traditional view of mental health is essentially that of a well-adjusted, well-functioning child about parents or parental figures. Or, a sibling who is interacting appropriately in a social context with other siblings. In both cases, this person operates within a world that is, psychologically, shaped and managed by “the parents.”
This means that we largely equate healthy psychological functioning with the effective management or resolution of child- or sibling-based conflicts. For example, resolving and managing such child-based conflicts as impulse control; narcissistic or grandiose attitudes; and attachment-related traumas, from indifference, abandonment, abuse, or parenting that otherwise compromise your adult ability to have intimate or trusting relationships. Healthy resolution of sibling conflicts includes learning effective ways to compete with other “siblings” at work or in your intimate relationships; managing your fears of success or rejection; containing passive-aggressive, manipulative, or other self-defeating tendencies; and finding ways to connect with or crave the approval, acceptance, and reward of those you need and desire
It’s no wonder, then, that so many people feel and act like children in the adult world. Examples of this are rife in popular culture. A good example is the popular TV show The Office. It frequently depicts such conflicts between siblings, with employees acting out their discontent or competing with each other to win the favor of the office manager, Michael—another selfish adult child who is unaware of his own competitive and insecure impulses.
Unconscious sibling conflicts are also common in intimate relationships and family life. You can see, for example, the abandonment fears of a man who demands constant attention and reassurance that he is loved; or the low self-esteem of a woman who unconsciously gravitates toward partners who dominate or manipulate her.
Of course, it’s important to learn to become aware of any emotional damage you bring from your early experiences into adulthood, and how to manage it effectively. We all have some of these. This is a good starting point for adult mental health, but it’s not enough. A well-adjusted member of a community of “children” and other “siblings” within a psychological universe of “parents” is not the same as a healthy adult. Especially in today’s interconnected and unpredictable world.
Describing what a healthy adult might feel, think, and do in today’s environment requires answering questions like these:
How do you maintain the mental focus to keep your professional skills sharp and stay on track at work when you suddenly have a new boss who wants to take things in a new direction? Or if your company is acquired by another company, or goes out of business?
How can you best respond, mentally, to having a new baby and a drop in household income at the same time that globalization is disrupting your career path?
How can you handle the pressure to work longer or take more business trips when your spouse is facing the same demands?
What is the healthiest way to keep your relationship alive with new energy—or avoid the temptation to cheat?
And how do you deal emotionally with the threat of terror that’s always lurking in the back of your mind, while enjoying life at the same time?
We now live in a world where change is the only constant, and where it is a new requirement that we be able to compete and cooperate with everyone, everywhere, on almost everything.
Doing this with self-awareness and the knowledge of how to grow and develop into a fully-fledged human being is the new path to adult mental health. But you need to know where to find that path.
If you limit your view of mental health to managing your conflicts well—the old 20th-century view—you will focus too much on self-interest, especially power, money, and possessions. This will lead you down a dead end. Focusing on self-interest is an ineffective strategy in today’s interconnected and unbalanced world. It will make you feel like a weak child rather than an adult when forces beyond your control disrupt your world and your selfish goals.
Of course, we have to take care of ourselves. But the irony is that you cannot do it well, today, by simply trying to take care of yourself. The successful, mentally healthy adult subordinates his or her pure self-interest to the greater good; to serve something bigger than himself, not just his or her narrow goals. This is because your well-being is so intertwined with the well-being of others who share this global community with you. We are all parts of an interconnected entity, like the body itself. The ripple effects of the global economic collapse have made this clear.
A mentally healthy adult learns to be proactive, innovative, and creative. He or she enjoys growing and evolving in a changing environment, with diverse people; values positive communication; and is resilient in conflict situations.
Learning from the world of business?
I think we can learn a lot about what is required for mental health from the changes taking place in the world of business. In many ways, the most advanced and successful companies are ahead of the pack. They have had to learn how to build sustainable practices in the face of climate change; they have learned how to develop models of collaboration and communication; and how to engage with, support, and learn from diverse people and talent.
These men and women have had to develop strategies to navigate a turbulent global economy and remain successful while dealing with the anxiety that is part of charting a course in uncharted territory, as Robert Rosen describes in his book Worrying Enough.
I have seen all of this in the men and women I work with, both in my business consulting and psychotherapy. Entrepreneurs are in the thick of it, dealing with constant change and conflict in their work environment or careers, and in their personal lives as well. Many are looking for ways to make a greater impact from their work and talents, beyond just gaining power, money, or even personal “meaning.” Some corporate leaders are finding ways to tie long-term financial success to environmental and social responsibility. Others are individuals trying to address emotional struggles in their personal lives, or finding ways to help their children prepare for a future where change will be the greatest constant.
Each of us needs to develop mentally healthy ways to deal with the new local and global uncertainty that could hit us any day, and the business world is already starting to do just that. Progressive companies can teach us something about mental health because they demonstrate it.
Take Google. If it were a person, Google would in many ways embody the model of a mentally healthy adult in today’s world. The company’s culture and management practices embody such qualities as transparency, flexibility, and collaboration with diverse people. Non-defensiveness, informality, creativity, and agility. All of these traits are designed to compete aggressively for clear goals in an ever-evolving environment. Likewise, you will develop a successful and mentally healthy life to the extent that you build these qualities into your emotional attitudes, mental outlook, and behavior.
In general, a healthy adult—your “parent,” you—embodies broad, tolerant perspectives and purposeful actions in service of clear goals. This is the foundation for supporting the well-being and survival of the global community, including future generations. It comes down to being engaged global citizens. This may sound like a tall order, but these abilities are human, not supernatural. They exist within almost every individual.
