Key Points

Narcissists often lack empathy for others, which means they don’t care much about their partner’s feelings or needs.

Narcissists may withhold affection or attention, making the other person feel unimportant or unworthy.

Although narcissists are in internal pain, they often hurt their loving partners.

Taking care of your emotional health is key to dealing with a narcissistic partner.

Rachel, a 40-year-old client, sat in front of me crying profusely.

Finally, she said, “I kept giving and giving to Gabe. I don’t know what I did wrong, but I wasn’t enough for him. My friends kept saying he was a narcissist and that narcissists are toxic in relationships. But I just thought that if he could see that I loved him, he would change for the better. Instead, he just left me.”

The selfish, manipulative behavior of narcissists can be damaging to their partners, as they may not be able to give and receive love healthily. However, with these challenges in mind, it is important not to stigmatize narcissists.

Recognize that narcissists are in pain

Despite their outward appearance of confidence and superiority, narcissists can experience a great deal of pain and insecurity. This can stem from a variety of sources, such as past trauma, feelings of inadequacy, or a deep-seated fear of rejection or abandonment.

Narcissists may also experience deep feelings of shame and self-loathing, which they may try to hide with their grandiose behavior and attitudes. They may be afraid to reveal their vulnerabilities and insecurities to others for fear of being seen as weak or unworthy.

In addition, narcissists may experience internal contradictions. For example, they may crave attention and admiration from others, but feel resentful and envious of those who receive it. They may desire intimate relationships but fear the vulnerability and emotional intimacy that comes with them. However, despite their struggles, narcissists can impose emotional turmoil on those they love.

5 Ways Narcissists Harm Relationships

Lack of Empathy. Narcissists often lack empathy for others, which means they don’t care much about their partner’s feelings or needs. As I explained in detail in Why Can’t You Read My Mind? empathy is the emotional glue that holds relationships together. A lack of empathy in narcissists can leave their partners feeling ignored or devalued, leading to resentment and hurt. Dan, a counseling client, recently shared with me how his wife was dismissive and judgmental of his feelings. This left Dan feeling isolated and alone.

Manipulation. Narcissists can be skilled at manipulating others to get what they want. They may use guilt, intimidation, or charm to control their partner, which can leave the other person feeling trapped or helpless. In Rachel’s example from the beginning of this post, Gabe repeatedly told her, “You’re making me treat you like garbage.”

Manipulation. Narcissists may use manipulative tactics to make a partner doubt their perception of reality. They may twist the truth, deny facts, or blame their partner for things that aren’t their fault, causing the other person to question their sanity. Shawna, a 31-year-old client, shared with me how her head would spin when her boyfriend, Trey, would simply deny saying something hurtful or accuse her of being too sensitive.

Devaluation. Narcissists may devalue their partners by criticizing, belittling, or insulting them. They may also withhold affection or attention, making the other person feel unimportant or unworthy. James, a confessed narcissist, told me, “I know my wife is attractive, so I treat her poorly to keep her depressed until she thinks she has no one else to turn to.”

Infidelity. Narcissists may cheat on their partners to get their way without regard for the other person’s feelings. This can cause immense pain and damage to a relationship. Jamie, a client, shared with me: “My boyfriend is a great guy, but sometimes I just want to have sex with other men. He would freak out if he knew, so I just protect him by not telling him.”

Tips for Dealing with a Narcissistic Partner

Dealing with a narcissistic partner can be difficult, but some strategies can help:

Set boundaries. Narcissists can be very controlling, so it’s important to set clear boundaries and communicate them effectively. Be firm and consistent with your boundaries, and make sure your partner knows what behaviors are unacceptable.

Don’t play their game. Narcissists thrive on attention and drama. Refuse to participate in their drama, and don’t give them the attention they’re looking for.

Seek support. Dealing with a narcissistic partner can be emotionally draining. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can offer a listening ear and help you process your feelings.

Practice self-care. It’s important to prioritize your needs and take care of yourself. This may include practicing mindfulness, getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. Consider couples therapy. If your partner is willing, couples therapy can help improve communication and address underlying issues in the relationship. However, it is important to recognize that narcissistic individuals may resist therapy and may not be willing to change their behavior.

Final Thoughts

Overall, narcissists can be destructive to relationships because of their selfish behavior and lack of concern for others. It can be difficult to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with them, and it may be necessary to seek professional help or end the relationship altogether if the above suggestions do not help. Remember that managing a narcissistic partner can be a difficult and ongoing process. It is important to take care of yourself and set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.