We are all capable of abuse when we feel frustrated or hurt. We may be guilty of criticizing, judging, withholding, and controlling, but some abusers, including narcissists, take abuse to a different level. Narcissistic abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and/or spiritual. Some types of emotional abuse are not as easy to spot, including manipulation. It can include emotional blackmail, using threats and intimidation to exert control. Narcissists are masters of verbal abuse and manipulation. They can go so far as to make you doubt your perceptions, a practice called gaslighting.
Motivation Behind Narcissistic Abuse
Remember that Narcissistic Personality Disorder and abuse exist on a continuum, ranging from silence to violence. Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their behavior. They generally deny their actions and compound the abuse by blaming the victim. Malignant narcissists in particular are not bothered by guilt. They can be sadistic and enjoy inflicting pain. They can be so competitive and unprincipled that they engage in antisocial behavior. Don’t confuse narcissism with antisocial personality disorder.
The goal of narcissistic abuse is power. These abusers act with the intent to belittle or even hurt others. The most important thing to remember about intentional abuse is that it is designed to control you. Abusers’ goals are to increase their control and power while creating doubt, shame, and dependence in their victims. They want to feel superior to avoid hidden feelings of inferiority. Understanding this can help empower you. Like all bullies, despite their defenses of anger, arrogance, and self-aggrandizement, they struggle with shame. Seeming weak and humiliated is their biggest fear. Knowing this, it’s important not to take the abuser’s words and actions personally. This will empower you to confront narcissistic abuse.
Mistakes in Dealing with Abuse
When you forget the abuser’s motives, you may naturally react in some of the following ineffective ways:
Appeasement — If you appease to avoid conflict and anger, this empowers the abuser, who sees it as a weakness and an opportunity to exert more control.
Pleading — This also shows weakness, which narcissists despise in themselves and others. They may react with contempt or disgust.
Withdrawal — This is a good temporary tactic to collect your thoughts and emotions, but it is not an effective strategy for dealing with abuse.
Arguing and fighting — Arguing about the facts wastes your energy. Most abusers don’t care about the facts, they just care about justifying their position and standing up for what is right. Verbal arguments can quickly escalate into battles that drain and hurt you. You gain nothing. You lose and you may end up feeling more victimized, hurt, and hopeless.
Explaining and defending — Anything beyond simply denying the false accusation leaves you vulnerable to further abuse. When you process the content of what is said and explain and defend your position, you are endorsing the abuser’s right to judge, approve, or abuse you. Your reaction sends this message: “You have power over my self-esteem. You have the right to approve or disapprove of me. You are entitled to be my judge.”
Seeking understanding – This can drive your behavior if you desperately want to be understood. It relies on the false hope that the narcissist is interested in understanding you, when in reality they are only interested in winning the conflict and gaining a superior position. Depending on the degree of narcissism, sharing your feelings can also open you up to further hurt or manipulation. It is best to share your feelings with someone who cares about them.
Criticism and complaining – Although they may act harshly, abusers are fundamentally insecure and fragile on the inside. They can berate others, but they cannot take it. Complaining or criticizing the abuser can provoke anger and retaliation.
Threats – Threats can lead to retaliation or backfire if you do not follow through. Never make a threat that you are not prepared to enforce. Boundaries with immediate consequences are more effective.
Denial – Don’t fall into the trap of denial by justifying, minimizing, or rationalizing away the abuse. Don’t imagine that it will go away or get better at some point in the future. The longer it goes on, the stronger it gets, and the weaker it becomes.
Self-blame – Don’t blame yourself for the abuser’s actions and try too hard to be perfect. This is an illusion. You can’t make anyone abuse you. You are only responsible for your behavior. You will never be perfect enough for the abuser to stop their behavior, which stems from their insecurities, not yours.
- Confront abuse effectively.
Allowing abuse to happen hurts your self-esteem. So, it’s important to confront it. This doesn’t mean fighting and arguing. It means standing your ground, speaking up for yourself clearly and calmly, and setting boundaries to protect your mind, emotions, and body.
- Know your rights.
You should feel that you deserve to be treated with respect and that you have certain rights, such as the right to your feelings, the right not to have sex if you say no, the right to privacy, and the right not to be yelled at, touched, or disrespected. If you were abused for a long time (or as a child), your self-esteem has likely been low. You may no longer trust yourself or have confidence. Seek therapy, get support, read 10 Steps to Self-Esteem – The Ultimate Guide to Stopping Self-Criticism and watch a webinar called “How to Raise Your Self-Esteem.”
- Be assertive.
Avoiding negativity or aggression takes learning and practice. Get How to Speak Up – Be Assertive, Set Boundaries, and the webinar “How to Be Assertive.” Try these short-term responses to verbal insults:
“I’ll think about it.”
“I’ll never be the good enough wife (husband) you hoped I would be.”
“I don’t like it when you criticize me. Please stop.” (Then walk away.)
“That’s your opinion. I don’t agree with you, (or) I don’t see it that way.”
“You’re saying….” (Repeat what was said. Add, “Oh, I get it.”)
“I won’t talk to you when….” (Describe the insult, e.g., “He belittled me.” Then walk away.)
Agree with the right part: “Yes, you burned dinner.” Ignore: “You’re a terrible cook.”
Use humor: “You’re so cute when you’re upset.”
- Be strategic.
Know what you specifically want, what the narcissist wants, what your boundaries are, and where your power lies in the relationship. You are dealing with a very defensive person who has a personality disorder.
- Set boundaries.
Boundaries are rules that govern how you want others to treat you. People will treat you the way you allow them to. You need to know your boundaries before you can communicate them. This means getting in touch with your feelings, listening to your body, knowing your rights, and learning to be assertive. Boundaries should be clear. Don’t imply or expect people to read your mind.
- Set consequences.
After setting boundaries, if they are ignored, it’s important to communicate and call out consequences. These aren’t threats, but actions you take to protect yourself or get your needs met.
- Be educational.
Research shows that narcissists have a neurological deficit that affects their interpersonal responses. Your best approach is to educate the narcissist like a child. Explain the impact of their behavior, and offer incentives and encouragement for different behavior. This may include communicating consequences. It takes planning what you’re going to say without being emotional.
GetSupport
Responding effectively requires support. Without it, you may develop self-doubt and succumb to harmful misinformation and distortion. It’s hard to change your reactions, let alone anyone else’s. Expect backlash when you stand up for yourself. This is another reason why support is essential. You’ll need courage and consistency. Whether or not the narcissist makes changes, you’ll have tools to protect yourself and raise your self-worth that will make you feel better whether you stay or leave. CoDA meetings and therapy provide guidance and support.
