Key Points
Narcissists may use manipulative tactics such as saying something hurtful and passing it off as a joke.
Overcoming manipulation may involve listening to oneself, setting boundaries, and refusing to engage in verbal combat.
People need to be proactive in protecting themselves from emotional harm, even if it means walking away.
A relationship with a narcissist is a rollercoaster ride. These relationships often start as a dream dating relationship, only to turn into a nightmare. Anyone can get stuck in a relationship with a narcissist, but individuals with a history of trauma or emotional abuse are more likely to fall into these relationships.
One reason narcissists can hold on to partners through emotional abuse and trauma is their ability to manipulate. This manipulation begins early in the honeymoon phase of a relationship when the partner often sees them as something entirely different. By constantly manipulating their partner and putting others down, the narcissist undermines the individual’s self-esteem and self-confidence, creating severe, ongoing, and destructive emotional abuse.
Common Types of Manipulation
It is important to realize that narcissists are not acting out of a lack of understanding of the harm they are causing their partner. Rather, they are individuals who cannot feel empathy and feel superior to everyone around them. They use strategic manipulation tactics. They refuse to take responsibility for anything negative in their lives, blaming their partner for everything wrong while taking credit for everything right.
Common manipulation tactics used by narcissists include:
Small comments. Early in a relationship, small negative comments are often made indirectly. These comments may seem trivial, but they lay the foundation for accepting higher levels of negativity in the future. Watch for ongoing comments such as:
- You don’t mean it…
- You can’t be serious about…
- It’s not your fault you don’t understand…
- You’re too sensitive about…
“Just kidding.” It’s not uncommon for a partner to say something they think is funny when it’s hurtful. Narcissists don’t do this by accident, but rather as a strategic way to hurt and shock others. They don’t apologize. Instead, they try to pass off the constant barrage of hurtful comments as a joke or your unreasonable levels of sensitivity.
“It’s your problem.” One of the most common tactics used to hurt and hurt a partner is to project their problems onto them. This often manifests in statements such as:
- You don’t care about me; it’s all about you
- You should be in control of every detail
- You’re paranoid
- You’re wrong
- You don’t value this relationship
- I don’t think you’re right about it
You don’t remember it accurately
Emotional manipulation, or constantly creating confusing messages to cast doubt on your memory and thinking, is a common form of abuse and manipulation. Narcissists also manipulate by withholding specific information and then acting as if you have forgotten it.
Tips for Overcoming Manipulation
There are several tips you can use to detect this deliberate and destructive manipulation and get out of an unhealthy relationship. These include:
Listen to yourself. Trust your perception and ability to understand the events unfolding. Listen to your body and recognize signs of distress and discomfort.
Set boundaries. Learning to say no or walk away from a manipulative conversation is a crucial tool.
Don’t engage in verbal combat. Don’t argue or engage with the narcissist. Instead, walk away and ignore their attempts to get you back.
Working with a therapist is very effective in rebuilding your self-confidence and empowering you to set boundaries and take care of yourself. Remember, a narcissist is unlikely to change their behavior. You need to be proactive about protecting yourself from emotional harm and trauma, even if it means walking away.
