Key Points
Divorce from a narcissist is bound to cause a lot of conflict and can quickly spiral out of control.
Establish a support team to help you prepare mentally and legally.
It’s important to remember to protect your emotional well-being and the emotional health of your children.
Getting a divorce is hard enough. But when one spouse has a personality disorder, things get even more complicated.
And when your spouse is a narcissist, whether or not they’ve been diagnosed, getting through a divorce is likely to be just as confusing and difficult as your marriage: which can seem overwhelming.
But you already know that.
As a family and matrimonial law attorney, I’ve worked with many clients who have had a narcissist on the other side of the table, so I’ve learned a few things over the years that may help you prepare for this difficult time in your life.
I spoke with Susan Pava about the disorder and its typical characteristics. She told me that someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has the following traits:
Lack of self-identity
Poor emotional regulation
Feelings of superiority
Intolerance of others’ opinions
Feelings of entitlement
Inability to appreciate others
Lack of empathy
Ignoring others’ needs
A desperate, insatiable demand for positive attention and approval from others, often called “narcissistic energy”
Dr. Bava continued:
Because their ego is fragile and their self-esteem is so protected, narcissists’ thoughts and, consequently, their behaviors are heavily armored, protecting them from the self-loathing that is at the core of their being. Deep down, they feel a deep sense of emptiness caused by early childhood trauma such as abuse and neglect, both of which are experienced as emotional pain. Because of these traits, narcissists are highly toxic individuals.
I have seen firsthand how narcissists use control and manipulation throughout a marriage—and then continue to use these elaborate tactics in a divorce—to manipulate the process to their advantage.
Whatever the outcome, divorcing a narcissist is sure to be highly conflicting and can quickly get out of hand unless you are mentally and legally prepared and have a team in place to support you.
So, what do you do if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and want to leave the marriage?
Don’t alert the narcissist to your plans unless you have to. You’ll need to address a number of issues, including documenting financial records before you formally file for divorce, and alerting them to the fact that you want to leave the marriage before you’ve properly planned could put you at risk. Important note: If you believe you or your children are in imminent danger, don’t stay under one roof and don’t wait to act. (See Resources below.)
Hire a strong attorney as your advocate and, if possible, a treatment professional before you tell your partner about any plans to separate or divorce. Try to find an attorney who has experience working with conflicted couples who have or are affected by personality disorders. Talk to mental health professionals, friends, and family for referrals. For example, narcissists don’t give up easily, and you need to choose an attorney who will do their best with you and, ideally, has experience working with someone who is controlling and, in many cases, simply irrational.
If you are being emotionally and/or physically abused, including through text or email harassment, ask your attorney about filing temporary restraining orders, including protective orders, that keep this abuser away from you and your family.
Keep a record of everything. Narcissists often lie, are likely to want to litigate, and will not lose without a fight. It is best to be prepared and ready. Keeping copies of important documents and keeping copies of emails and text messages that refer to specific incidents is very important, and this information will be useful later if you need to convince a court that your partner was lying. If there are people in your life who can verify your experiences, ask them to be witnesses. Share this record of information with your attorney and therapist. Evidence and witnesses can be very useful in proving your case.
Don’t let this person control your thinking any more than they already have. Do yourself a favor and insist that they communicate with you through your attorney, because they know how to manipulate you and will do everything they can to put you—and keep you—off balance.
Most of all, it is important to remember to protect your emotional safety and the emotional health of your children.
Breaking free from this marriage takes a lot of strength and organization. You also need to build a team of people you can count on, including your friends, family, therapist, and attorney.
As I always say: The best way to protect yourself from experiencing any of the symptoms listed above is to recognize the signs of mental illness before you enter into a relationship. Love should not be blind, and the signs should not be overlooked or ignored. Be careful with who you have a relationship with, a marriage with, and most importantly, a child with.
