Are your family get-togethers constantly filled with tense and complicated emotions?
You’re certainly not alone.
For those of us who didn’t grow up with the Bradys, we often carry baggage from our less-than-perfect childhoods that, despite time and circumstances, tend to linger.
As such, we can be easily affected when we’re around family for extended periods.
For example, something innocuous from a relative can set off a chain reaction, opening a bag (or two) of worms in the process.
But what if I told you, you might be part of the problem? You might be playing a role in stirring up family drama.
Self-awareness is key here. But sometimes, it takes an objective party (in this case, me) to make you see things.
Let’s get started!
1) You Love Gossiping
In my experience, family and gossip are almost always synonymous.
Ultimately, venting your feelings to a mutual relative about someone in the family makes sense—they know who you’re talking about just as well as you do.
They may be able to empathize and agree with your observations as you do.
However, once sharing (and exaggerating) personal stories or secrets between family members becomes a pattern, it creates a breeding ground for mistrust and conflict.
If you have a problem with a family member, make an effort to discuss it directly with them.
Otherwise…let it go.
The last thing you want to do is create scenarios where family members are forced to take sides, turning disagreements into larger, avoidable conflicts.
Once everyone realizes this, they’ll know the real culprit behind all the drama—this is not a situation you want to be in.
2) You’re Emotionally Reactive Often
I get it, being around family for an extended period can be a trigger.
After a few hours of being with them, you suddenly feel like a helpless, wronged child again, and dormant emotions resurface.
So, you may react to seemingly trivial incidents or disagreements with strong emotions, such as screaming, crying hysterically, or storming out of the room.
I suppose it’s understandable to have some complicated feelings toward family—but at a certain point, you have to leave the past in the past and move on.
3) You tend to hold grudges
Here’s the thing: we tend to be less forgiving of family because we somehow have higher standards for them than the average person.
But the thing about family is, just like you and me, they are human; they are subject to the same flaws and grievances as the rest of humanity.
If you find yourself frequently bringing up past mistakes, even when they’re not relevant to the current situation, it’s hindering your growth as a family unit.
Like many siblings in the world, my sister and I have a lot of residual trauma from our youth.
Although my younger sister and I still have some anxiety about my father, we try our best to be polite, look past it, and let go of the past.
We try to empathize, even if it’s a challenge at times.
Our parents aren’t saints or moral beacons, and they never were. But these days, we can see that they’re trying to be better — and for us, that’s what matters.
My older sister is completely unforgiving. She clings to every moment of childhood trauma with a paralyzing grip.
Sadly, she still refuses to speak to my father except for the occasional text message once or twice a year.
We hope that one day she’ll break down, so we can move on as a family; but that doesn’t seem likely in the foreseeable future.
4) Always Playing the Victim
I periodically come across people in life who seem to be perpetual victims, whether with or without family.
Even in scenarios where there is shared blame, these types of people will reframe events so that they consistently appear as the offended party, refusing to take any kind of responsibility.
When it comes to family conflicts, there are always two sides to the coin, in my experience.
So instead of playing the innocent victim, always seek communication and understanding first.
Trust me, the world will be a much more harmonious place with more communication — something that extends greatly to your relationship with family members.
5) Refuses to Apologize
Speaking of excessive pride, refusing to apologize is another sign of a family member who attracts drama.
Even when presented with very clear evidence and observations that their actions have negatively affected someone, they rarely offer a genuine apology or acknowledge their mistakes.
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Take it from the greatest tragedian, Sophocles: “All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and corrects the evil. The only crime is pride.”
6) Interrupting or dominating conversations
Real talk: Family time is a time for sharing, giving, and taking.
When you monopolize family discussions, constantly trying to steer the topic to yourself and ignoring the views of others, this behavior can alienate some relatives, and for good reason.
No one likes a self-centered interlocutor, whether you’re close or not.
You probably think that your family will always be there, that they love you unconditionally, and therefore you can do whatever you want, no matter how bad it is.
All I have to say is: don’t force it.
7) You’re a bit of a rebel
Your time with your family is limited, so it’s best to make the most of it by respecting and loving others in general.
Sure, you can disagree sometimes, but you don’t have to be rude about it.
Then there are the people who are naturally opposed to family decisions or opinions, who always have something to say to contradict family decisions or opinions—not because they disagree but because they enjoy the extra attention and like to appear superior.
My dad’s sister is like that. This makes our weekly family lunches unnecessarily stressful.
Sometimes you just have to let your family be and accept that it is just that, with its limitations and all.
She doesn’t seem to share this mindset.
She likes to think of herself as a superior woman. As such, she regularly contradicts our Philistine opinions and ideas with her characteristically opposing view of things.
And if she’s not trying to refute what we’re saying with an “enlightened” opposing viewpoint, she’s angrily lecturing us on how we can be “better humans.”
Instead of accepting or tolerating, she chooses to fight. I guess you could call her the perpetual devil’s advocate.
If this sounds like you, it’s time to shift that energy, and live and let live!
Final Thoughts
No one is perfect—and that’s a universal truth that extends to our families.
Sure, we can maintain idealistic expectations for our family and be disappointed all the time, and relive the traumas of our formative years regularly—or we can move on from the pain of the past, and accept the situation (and the people in it) as it is.
This act in itself is powerful and will help us heal.
Perhaps true wisdom means acceptance, not chasing unrealistic ideals.
So, maybe it’s time to start thinking seriously about your behavior and its impact on your family dynamics.
Consult a professional, if necessary. Get to the root of things.
After all, we only have one family and our time with them is limited – make the most of it, without drama!
