Have you ever had someone in your life who dragged you down or made you doubt yourself? Chances are you’re dealing with a toxic relationship. We’ve all heard the term, but what does it mean? And more importantly, what can you do about it?
WhatIsAToxicRelationship?
A toxic relationship is one where one or both partners feel trapped, controlled, and/or drained by the other, explains relationship coach Shula Melamed, MA, MPH. “They can be emotionally, psychologically, or physically abusive—or all of those things,” she says. “All relationships are hard work, and there are always compromises, but a toxic relationship is one where members don’t healthily support each other.”
Some themes, like codependency and narcissism, are also common in toxic relationships. As therapist Wendy Beharie, LCS, tells MBG, “A toxic relationship means that there’s something potentially harmful to the person (or both) in that relationship.” These relationships can make you question your reality, your values, and your sense of self-worth.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship:
- You’re constantly sacrificing your own needs.
Behari explains that toxic relationships can lead to a lot of self-abandonment. “You feel like you have to give up your voice, your opinion, your desires, and your needs.”
- You feel erased or unseen.
“Toxic relationships are also relationships where you don’t feel accepted for who you are; you may feel like you’re constantly being rejected or accused,” functional medicine practitioner Will Cole, DVM, IFMCP, tells mbg. With enough self-abandonment, you’ll start to feel like you’re losing yourself. You may feel erased, unseen, or unfamiliar with yourself. You may find yourself doing things you never thought you would, and doubting yourself and your values.
- It’s lonely.
“Toxic relationships are very lonely,” Behari says. “These relationships create a lot of loneliness because there’s no real sense of intimacy—there’s no real personal connection and empathic attunement.” (Here’s more about why you might feel lonely in a relationship.)
- You bring out the worst in each other.
Healthy relationships bring out the best in both partners. Toxic relationships do the opposite. “Some people just aren’t good at each other,” says Melamed. “Some people bring out something terrible in the other person.”
- Spending time with them leaves you exhausted.
“A toxic relationship leaves you feeling constantly drained, bad about yourself, or emotionally or physically insecure,” explains Cole. “Consistency means that’s how you feel most of the time after hanging out with this person. That’s key.”
- There’s unequal give and take.
“Toxic relationships often involve unequal give and take, where one partner has to give a lot and receive very little in return,” says Cole.
- One or both partners are controlling.
In toxic relationships, especially if there’s a narcissist involved, Beharie says there’s going to be a certain level of control where one partner may dominate the other. This can be more literal but also emotional, she says, such as “making them feel like they’re not good enough or that their partner is the only one who has any say in what’s going on.”
- Jealousy is a recurring issue.
Where there’s control, there’s often jealousy. Toxic relationships often stem from insecurity or a need to control certain situations. Jealousy can manifest itself in these behaviors and patterns.
- You feel isolated.
If your partner is constantly isolating you, perhaps even turning you against your friends and family, this is a major warning sign. In a toxic relationship, partners may manipulate each other to make them “need” each other — isolating each other from other relationships. This entanglement can sometimes feel like closeness and connection when in reality it stems from unhealthy codependency.
- There are issues like substance abuse or uncontrolled mental health.
Often in toxic relationships, especially codependent ones, Melamed says, one partner may have an uncontrolled substance abuse or mental health issue that they’re not getting help for. When this happens, the other partner may avoid it or even enable it. “One person may like the fact that the other has an uncontrolled issue because it allows them to remain in control of the other person,” she says.
- There’s a lack of respect.
“Typically, in toxic relationships, you’re constantly undermining or hurting your partner,” Beharie notes. This can happen in several ways, but the general idea is that there’s no sense of companionship but rather contempt and resentment.
- Emotional or psychological abuse.
In addition to isolating and controlling each other, other forms of emotional and psychological abuse are likely to be present in a toxic relationship. This can look like explosive arguments, where one or both of you belittle the other, denying each other’s truths, lying, manipulating, and so on.
- Physical Abuse.
It goes without saying, but any physical violence—including pushing, shoving, grabbing someone’s arm so hard it hurts, and any other act of physical aggression—is a clear sign of a disease within the relationship that is directly harming one or both of you.
- Emotional Manipulation.
One of the most common forms of psychological abuse that is directly linked to narcissism and toxic relationships is emotional manipulation. Emotional manipulation occurs when one partner denies the other’s reality, manipulating them into questioning the validity of their emotions and needs. (Here are signs of emotional manipulation in relationships.)
- You Can’t Communicate Effectively.
Partners in a toxic relationship will find it nearly impossible to work through disagreements. “I always say in healthy relationships, when you’re fighting, you’re not fighting with each other, you’re fighting for the relationship to work,” says Melamed. “That’s where healthy compromise comes in—trying to take the other person’s perspective with empathy and vulnerability.”
- Resentment toward the other person.
Due to the difficulty in communicating, one or both partners may feel unheard, leading to resentment. “One or both partners feel resentful toward the other, and they feel like the other party owes them something,” Melamed adds. “This feeling is usually their sense of self-worth.”
- It’s cyclical.
If you’ve been in a toxic relationship for a while, you’ve noticed a pattern emerging; things don’t go smoothly for a long time, and you won’t be surprised when toxicity sets in. Yet, for some reason, you can’t walk away (yet).
- One person makes all the decisions.
If one person is making all the decisions, Melamed and Bahari note that this is not a good sign. Both partners need to be willing to make the big decisions, and if one partner is always pushing for more, it’s a sign of imbalance. Research shows that a power imbalance between partners can put a lot of stress on a relationship.
- Your friends and family don’t approve.
Finally, trust your community. If people who knew you before this partner came along have real concerns about your relationship, it’s not something to ignore. Especially in toxic relationships, it’s important to get an opinion from someone who doesn’t wear rose-colored glasses.
Physical Symptoms and Effects
Toxic relationships can also cause serious health problems because of the tremendous stress they put on the body. “Many of my patients over the years have been able to identify their health deteriorating when they were in a toxic, stressful relationship or environment,” explains Cole. “This is because in a toxic relationship, the emotional becomes the biological.”
These issues include, but are not limited to:
- Anxiety and depression.
“When you’re bracing for criticism and judgment, and you have to be very careful because you’re walking on eggshells, you’re in a constant state of low-grade anxiety and a constant state of fight or flight. Depression also plays a role,” Melamed notes.
- Weight loss or appetite changes.
Because toxic relationships can lower self-esteem, combined with the stress they cause, this can lead to appetite changes and weight loss, Melamed says.
- Inflammation.
Stress causes inflammation
—It’s no secret. Inflammation is a major cause of a host of issues, from digestive issues to skin breakouts and more.
- Weakened immunity.
Stress and inflammation also lower your immunity, says Melamed. Research has shown that high levels of stress can trigger latent infections, like herpes.
- Sleep problems.
As we all know, nothing ruins a good night’s sleep like stress and toxic relationships can keep you up at night. “Sleep deprivation can be used to control others,” adds Melamed.
- Increased risk of heart attacks and strokes.
Yes, it goes that far. “When you feel threatened, your nervous system releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol,” says Melamed. “When this is chronic, it can overwhelm you and become difficult to turn off, creating a host of problems, including an increased risk of heart attacks and strokes.”
