12 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

People—especially those closest to you—profoundly impact your well-being. We all go through the ups and downs of living with and loving imperfect people, but ultimately, our relationships should be a source of joy, not frustration.

Every person on this planet deserves to have rich, rewarding, and secure relationships. And every person on this planet has a responsibility to participate in creating those relationships. Let’s learn how to spot the signs of a toxic relationship so we can start creating healthy ones instead.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship has unhealthy dynamics and causes you distress or hurt because you’re unsupportive, manipulative, or disrespectful. While we all have moments and seasons of selfishness, a truly toxic person will take and take and take and never give you anything in return. It’s like being bitten by a vampire (Team Edward!) and your energy, joy, and independence are drained. You find yourself serving someone at the expense of your feelings, needs, and joy.

Don’t get me wrong—service and sacrifice are part of a good relationship. So are challenges, disagreements, tolerance, and discomfort. But a healthy relationship is life-giving for both parties. Challenges and sacrifices flow and rise toward connection and love.

By the way, most people talk about toxic relationships in the context of romance, but the reality is that any relationship can become toxic, including relationships with coworkers, relatives, parents, siblings, and friends.

Abusive vs. Toxic Relationships

Before we go any further, I need to share an important caveat: Don’t confuse toxicity with abuse. Abuse is an extreme form of toxicity, and no one should tolerate it for any reason or for any length of time.

If you or someone you know is trapped in a physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive relationship, please reach out to the appropriate professionals for help, including the police. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE. You and your loved ones deserve to be safe.

12 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

So, how do we distinguish between the normal challenges of any relationship and a truly toxic relationship? Here are some common signs of toxic relationships to look out for.

1. You don’t feel safe.

I don’t mean physically safe (although that applies, too). I’m talking about feeling emotionally safe. Can you share your thoughts and feelings openly with this person? Does your voice matter? Or do you feel like you’re always editing yourself, afraid of what they might do or say if you’re completely honest?

A healthy relationship gives people the space to be imperfect and accountable at the same time. You can tell each other the good things and the bad things, and talk openly about who’s wronged you. You can be completely visible and still be completely loved.

Now let’s be clear: In most cases, you won’t share your deepest pain with your spouse’s in-laws the way you might with a trusted friend. Safety has levels, depending on the relationship. It takes wisdom to discern the depths and differences of each relationship.

2. You have poor (or nonexistent) communication.

Good communication is the lifeblood of every relationship, and it’s easy to get sidetracked unintentionally. My wife and I have had seasons of toxicity because I was afraid to express my needs and desires. I would hope and assume, and when my expectations weren’t met, I would judge them, feel extremely disappointed, and become resentful. We couldn’t communicate until we opened up.

Make no mistake, honesty doesn’t mean everything will be okay. Things will probably be uncomfortable or painful. That’s normal. But burying your pain and needs deep inside just leads to resentment.

Often, an emotionally charged conversation activates our fight, flight, or freeze response. We become explosive, face the threat head-on, or retreat into a cold silence.

Other examples of poor communication include wordplay, wordplay, dishonesty, and passing judgment on their words without asking for clarification.

3. You feel neglected and used.
   I live in the woods of middle Tennessee. Because we have a large outdoor space, we have a garden. Imagine: What if I left my plants to fend for themselves, without watering, weeding, or fertilizing them? It wouldn’t end well.

I don’t want to sound like a hippie, but people need care just like my garden. If your partner doesn’t respect and care for your basic needs—not because you can’t do it, but because they care about you—you’re not in a healthy relationship. You’re probably not just being ignored—you’re being used in a toxic relationship.

4. You feel like you’ve lost yourself.

Toxic people tend to absorb, manipulate, and shape people to fit their agendas. Their agendas and interests dominate the relationship. You often find yourself doing things you don’t want to do just to please them—violating your core values, going to places that make you uncomfortable, or spending time with people who trigger your anxiety alarms.

Never forget: You have the power. It’s up to you—not your partner—to recognize these patterns and set healthy boundaries. It’s your job to say no, assert yourself, and live by your values. But toxic people often get resentful, frustrated, or angry when you set boundaries or live by your values.

Quick note: It’s often hard to see this on your own. Give trusted friends or loved ones permission to speak into your life when they see you disappearing into someone else’s. The people closest to us can often see things we can’t.

5. Judging—not curiosity—is the norm.
   We all have weird things about us that make life interesting and challenging. Curiosity is the lifeblood of any relationship, not judgment. If you like to wake up early and your spouse likes to sleep in late, that’s great. Instead of saying, “You should wake up early!” ask, “Why do you like to sleep in so late?”

We all make mistakes. We say or do things that hurt others, step on their toes or accidentally step into their minefields. But these human errors are not the same as signs of a toxic relationship. We need people who care enough to call them out. Challenge and accountability are important parts of any relationship worth having. But a toxic person will approach you with condemnation, not empathy. They will weaponize your past mistakes. Judgment is one of the telltale signs of a toxic relationship.

6. You feel belittled and ashamed.
   Does this person make you feel inferior? Do they belittle or demean you? Do you feel stupid or ashamed? These are all signs of emotional immaturity—and clear indicators of a toxic relationship. Emotionally immature people need to prop themselves up on a pile of mistakes, failures, and flaws. When they can’t find anything bad to point out, they tend to invent something or rub their nose in something from the past.
7. You don’t receive empathy.

Empathy is like a pair of glasses you put on to see the world through someone else’s eyes. It’s a choice to “rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). It’s a choice not to lecture those who are going through a hard time about why they should be grateful. It’s also a choice not to remind those who are doing well of all the suffering in the world.

A toxic person is overly focused on their own needs and desires, blinding them to the realities of the people around them. When you open up and share your heart with a toxic person, you’ll be met with indifference instead of empathy, and redirection instead of celebration. They may dismiss you when you share important things, turn the conversation to themselves, and outdo you when you tell them stories.

8. You’re playing a dysfunctional role.

We often replay family dynamics and relational stories from our childhood in our adult relationships. For better or worse, these stories are our roadmaps for life. For example, a woman might marry a man who sits on the couch and plays video games all day so she can fulfill her mothering role. Or a child might take care of an addicted parent, believing it’s his job to fix his father.

Being stuck in a dysfunctional role is a sign of a toxic relationship because such a relationship can’t be life-giving and mutually supportive. Is the person you’re with willing to grow and take responsibility for themselves? Are you willing to grow? Only when we begin to question our automatic roles can we begin to heal and change our generational legacy.

9. You feel controlled or manipulated.
   A toxic person feels an urge to tip the balance of power in their favor. They may check in on you all the time or constantly nag you about where you’re going and what you’re doing. Your partner may use the relationship to manipulate you into doing things. They may withdraw when you annoy them and come running back to you when you do something “right.”

A good test of this is to think of something that brings you joy. If you immediately think, “Yes, but [insert name here] will get angry,” you may be being controlled or manipulated.

10. You live under a cloud of anger.
    Toxic people are often chronically critical, sarcastic, and cynical. Are you always walking on eggshells around this person? Are you always frustrated about something? Do they have outbursts of anger? A chronically angry person is emotionally unhealthy and cannot be a supportive partner. When you feel like you have to hide, you know it’s toxic.
11. Intense jealousy influences your actions.

There’s a difference between missing someone and being passive-aggressively jealous when they’re living their own life. If the other person has jealous reactions to your normal activities — or feels unnecessarily jealous when they do things without you, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship.

12. You have limited — or no — access to money, friends, family, or other resources.

A telltale sign of a toxic relationship is when one person restricts the resources that would keep the other person healthy and supported. Maybe you can’t access bank accounts, or your partner tracks your phone records. Now, a relationship with healthy boundaries means that you respect your partner’s wishes if they ask you not to spend time with someone who is dangerous or a threat to your family. But if you’re cut off from supportive, loving friends and family, it could be one of many signs of a toxic relationship.

RELATED:What Is Parallel Parenting? Plus, Creating a Plan That Works

What to Do If You’re in a Toxic Relationship
So what do you do with all this information? Is it possible for a toxic relationship to change? While I can’t help you come to this conclusion in one article, here are some things to consider as you move forward:

Step out of the other person’s mind.

It’s tempting to analyze other people’s behavior, especially when someone has hurt you badly. But that’s a complete waste of your time and emotional energy. Stop trying to understand them and instead focus on what you have to offer.

There are only two things on this planet that you can control: your thoughts and your actions. So step out of your mind and spend more time on your own.

Recognize that behavior is a language.

Behavior is a language. If you’re in a relationship with someone who is repeatedly hurting or belittling you, they’re saying everything you need to know—even if they don’t use the words. Read that again.

Ask: Are we in a toxic season?

As I shared earlier, my wife and I have gone through toxic seasons in our marriage. Sometimes, life gets tough and one (or both) of you just aren’t coping well. If you’re going through a major transition, have a baby, or have experienced a loss or illness, you may just need to hold on tight and show some forgiveness. Remember, the sooner you can open up about your feelings, hurts, and fears, the sooner you can heal.

Paint a picture of the kind of relationship you want.

You may be so used to toxicity that you don’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like. Allow yourself to dream about how you want to be treated. A healthy, supportive marriage only works if you wake up every day and think, How can I make my partner’s day better? (And if they think the same about you!) It’s not a 50/50 split of effort, love, and intention—it’s giving 100 percent in every direction. Everyone wins when you put each other’s needs before your own.

You deserve to have extraordinary relationships, even if you don’t know what they look like right now.

Talk to a trusted friend or counselor.

You can’t move from toxic to healthy relationships overnight. It takes time and practice. Open up to a trusted, kind, wise friend who can help you get some perspective. You may even need to see a professional therapist. I tell other people how to deal with relationships for a living, and I still see a professional regularly. Yes, it’s inconvenient, expensive, and takes hard work. Do it anyway. You can’t afford not to.

Learn new relationship tools.

Relationship skills can be learned—just like anything else in life. You may need to learn skills like assertiveness, boundaries, self-forgiveness, and confrontation or vulnerability. One of the best ways to do this is to see a mental health professional (see above), but there are plenty of free books, podcasts, and other resources out there. And as with any new tool, the key to getting better at using it is practice.

Leave if you need to.
If your relationship is downright toxic, it’s time to end it—especially if you’re dating. Getting married or having another child won’t solve your problems—in fact, it’ll likely make them worse. If you’ve just been hanging around, waiting, hoping that one day they’ll change, it’s time to kill the fantasy and move on. But if you’re married, don’t give in to the temptation to break up just because things get tough. Exhaust all your options before making a final decision like divorce. See a counselor, talk to a pastor, and do the work. Healthy, fulfilling relationships are worth the effort, embarrassment, and difficult conversations it takes to create them.

Take the following steps to help create healthy relationships
Good people, relationships are messy. But you need them to live a full, healthy life. Don’t run for the hills and swear to ditch all relationships forever. Yes, it’s risky. Yes, people will hurt you (and you will hurt them, too). But when done right, a good relationship is

The greatest life-giving force on this planet. We need each other. Don’t give up on people or yourself.