Every relationship has its problems and areas for improvement.
But there are some red flags that you shouldn’t ignore because choosing to ignore them will only make your life worse and trap you in a relationship that will slowly destroy you.
If you notice these behaviors in your partner, you deserve better.
Let’s start…
1) Talking to You Down
The way your partner talks to you is very important.
This can be in their tone, the words they use, the eye contact they make, and the speed at which they speak.
We’ve all been out and about and seen a man or woman talk to their partner down. It’s disgusting and truly heartbreaking. Their partner yells at them or speaks quickly while avoiding eye contact as if they were talking to a call center employee.
If this is how your partner talks to you, you deserve better.
2) Insults and Rejections
We all say things that aren’t true, and sometimes your partner may point it out.
But being put down and ignored as a habit is a very bad thing in relationships.
If your partner tends to act like you’re not as good as them or that your words don’t matter, you’re being treated in a toxic way.
This will ultimately lower your self-esteem and push you into a negative, reinforcing cycle where you feel worse and worse about yourself.
3) Tracking and Surveillance
It’s one thing to follow your partner and keep in touch about your plans. But it has to be voluntary and it has to be reasonable.
When your partner wants to know where you are all the time and demands that you fill in the “gaps” in your schedule, that’s crossing a line.
Even if it’s not jealousy but just clinginess, it’s very unhealthy and can set you up for a toxic, reciprocal relationship.
If your partner needs to know where you are and what you’re doing, that’s okay. But if they’re used to being like your personal surveillance officer, the relationship has turned into something very stifling and ugly.
You deserve a partner who cares about you but doesn’t depend on you or need to monitor you.
4) Accusing you of things you didn’t do
This is closely related to the previous point and relates to the type of partner who is jealous and doesn’t trust you.
If you have a partner who accuses you of things you didn’t do, they’re more like a prison guard than a partner.
Aside from denying any wrongdoing, you also risk going down a very dark path where your normal behavior is labeled as pathological.
“Why did you smile at that girl?” This is not the kind of question you should be forced to answer. You can smile at whoever you want!
If you have a partner who is this insecure, they have a lot of issues they need to work out on their own before they can be with anyone.
5) Telling you what you can and can’t say
Your partner may object to something you say, argue with you, or get annoyed with you. They may find a joke you tell stupid or unfunny.
But if they try to order you around on what you should or can say, they’ve crossed a big red line.
Your tongue is no one’s property, and you can choose to say whatever you want.
If you say something you regret, you can choose to apologize. Your partner is not your boss, and they can’t try to direct you like you’re an actor in a movie of their life.
6) Telling you who you can and can’t be friends with
Who we are friends with makes a huge difference and shapes who we are, but regardless of advice, no one has the right to tell us to stop being friends with anyone.
If you have a partner who tells you which friendships you can keep and which you should cut, they’re crossing a line.
You deserve someone willing to respect your friendships even if they’re not mutual.
You and your partner can have different friends. You may hate each other’s friends. I’m not saying that’s the best solution, but it’s possible.
7) Telling you what beliefs and values you should hold onto
Your beliefs are up to you.
If your partner doesn’t like them or finds them unacceptable, that’s a problem in the relationship. But that’s not always the end of the relationship and there can be a lot of common ground and growth even from opposing perspectives.
The problem comes when you are told that you have to believe in something different to be in this relationship.
You have to leave a religion or join a spiritual group. You have to change your mind about some basic concept or you will not be good. And so on…
This kind of framing is very destructive and you deserve better.
8) People Gossiping About You
When you have a partner who gossips about you a lot, it is unbearable.
Let me explain:
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Your partner will inevitably bring you up in front of their friends or even mention something funny or weird that you did or happened to you. It happens.
But being called out in a bad-faith or persistent way that makes you feel weird and leads to weird looks from mutual friends? That’s a whole different matter.
You deserve better, and no one should feel like their relationship is some kind of fodder for a reality TV show.
9) Being exposed to mixed signals and passive-aggressive behavior
We all go through ups and downs, but it’s not too much to ask your partner to communicate with you on a basic level.
If you’re constantly being exposed to mixed signals and passive-aggressive behavior, no one can blame you for being frustrated.
Your partner needs to learn to communicate with you on a healthier level and not cheat on you or change their mood and how they treat you all the time.
This is just a basic requirement. If they’re constantly being volatile with you and going from love bombing to pissing you off, it’s time to move on.
10) Being told to ignore cheating and flirtatious behavior
You have every right to expect loyalty from your partner. Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
If your partner cheats on you or seems like they’re trying to, you shouldn’t accept it.
You deserve better, and you have the right to ask for someone who respects you more.
This also relates to the next topic, which is what to do if your partner is pressuring you too hard to accept polyamory or an open relationship…
11) Being forced into an open relationship when you don’t want to
Open relationships can work for some people, but they should always be voluntary.
If your partner is pressuring you to open up, they’re violating your trust and they’re disrespecting you.
If opening up or leaving is a big deal to your partner, so be it. It’s annoying, but you don’t have the right to be forced into something if you don’t want to.
Whenever these types of tactics are used against you, it’s important to stand up for yourself. Understand that once you start sacrificing your boundaries little by little, you’ll eventually end up with no boundaries left.
12) Getting an ultimatum about whether or not to continue the relationship
Ultimatums are rarely good, and relationships are no exception:
“Do X or I’ll break up with you” is the kind of thing that a very abusive partner says.
If there’s a big issue between you and your partner and they want to discuss it, that’s fine. If it’s a critical issue, that’s understandable.
But framing it this way as a controlling demand is toxic, and even if you comply, you’ll end up feeling like you’ve now become a subordinate. That’s not a good relationship for love to flourish in.
13) Being told that your partner will hurt themselves if you leave them
This is the worst ultimatum ever.
You have the right to be with whoever you choose to be with.
Being told that any decision to leave will result in your partner hurting themselves or ending their life is a terrible thing to hear.
It makes you feel like you’re responsible for ending someone’s life if you decide to start over.
You deserve better than the kind of partner who plays the victim in this way.
