There is no worse feeling than being unfollowed by your ex on social media.
Last week, a friend of mine noticed that her ex had unfollowed her on all of her social media accounts.
It was like one of those old western movies where the bad guys come and destroy the entire town in just 15 seconds. This was a massive, rapid unfollow. She was in complete panic.
Last year, this ex (whom she thought she was going to marry) had lied to her, cheated on her, and completely broken her heart. She knew the damage was irreparable, so they broke up and she cut off contact with him. After some time, she slowly but surely started moving on.
Now – she is dating, having fun, and not checking her ex’s social media every hour, or even every day for that matter. They are still following each other, trying to falsely prove to themselves and everyone in the social media world that they are “adults” and still “friends” (even though they never talk). She is still sad on many levels and finds herself getting angry from time to time; analyzing everything he posts.
If you find yourself in this situation, it’s bad because with social media, you can basically appear happy and have moved on, but how can you really move on when you’re still getting a (highly exaggerated and filtered) view of the one person’s life that you compare everyone to?
First, if your ex disrespected you in your relationship, why do you assume that you will be respected after the breakup?
Related : How to Forget About Your Ex, Bounce Back, and Move On
How can you tell everyone that you won’t tolerate disrespect, yet still have space on your social media profiles (and in your heart), for anyone who disrespects you and constantly takes advantage of you?
But I get it. You don’t want to come across as immature or weak and you don’t want them to feel like they’ve won. You want to win, you want to be chosen and you might as well be a people pleaser. You’re worried about how it’s going to look to everyone on the outside, and honestly, it’s the last little bit of contact you have with him and if we’re being really honest here, you want to know what he’s up to. I get that.
So, a few days/weeks/months after the breakup, he unfollows you. You should have been the first to unfollow him and you’re blaming yourself for it. You’re taking it personally.
But unfollowing him is a good thing. I know it’s not a game, but let’s be honest, it means you won. You won because you finally got a chance to move on. You won because you’re not with someone who’s incapable of having a mutual relationship. You won because if he wasn’t thinking about you and being affected by you on some level, he wouldn’t have had to unfollow you.
If you’re the one who didn’t unfollow you first, that’s a huge blow to your ego. As if once wasn’t enough, it’s like being rejected and abandoned all over again.
When your ex deletes you from social media, it’s incredibly hard. What makes this so hard for you is that “unfollowing” not only reactivates old feelings and wounds from the relationship you shared, but it also reactivates triggers that we all struggle with fear of abandonment, rejection, being ignored, being forgotten, not being good enough, etc.
There are two main reasons why an ex (who is constantly treating you poorly) might unfollow you on social media:
He simply can’t.
He’s either hurt by you or by having to see your photos. It’s too painful for him/it bothers him/he doesn’t want to see your photos or know what you’re up to/he wants to get your photo out of his head. The kitchen is getting too hot. He’s reached a point where he’d rather not subject himself to that and is trying to move on with his life. Just because he’s trying to move on with his life, it doesn’t mean he’s rejecting you or that you’re not good enough. His unfollowing you has absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s a reflection of him and who he is right now. This is normal. What this means is that you’ve affected him so much that he can’t stand looking at your profile anymore because it hurts/annoys/angers him so much that it’s holding him back from moving on. He wants to move on with his life (and this should be a big red flag that you need to move on, too).
Pulling the Chain.
Yes. Believe it or not. I don’t care how old he is, how mature he is, what grades he’s got, how much volunteer work he does, or how often he visits his grandma. Sometimes your ex unfollows you to a) see how quickly you notice and b) when you do notice, he wants to see how upset you are. It’s all about how much he can react because reactivity = control. Some guys even do this right when they start talking to or dating a new girl. They want you to notice that they unfollowed you because the moment you address it, it gives them an open door to a) tell them that they’re dating someone new and that you’ve been “replaced.” and b) Act as if they’ve now become someone who can respect you and explain that you unfollowed them because it wasn’t “respectful” to their new girlfriend.
Now, of course, there could be many other reasons. Some people have brought up the example above and said, “Come on Natasha! Doesn’t that mean he’s dating someone new or in a new relationship and doesn’t want to be disrespectful to his new girlfriend?”
Yes. If he’s proven through his actions that he’s not toxic and that he’s treated you well in the relationship, yes. The problem is that he’s already proven to you that he’s incapable of respect.
Related : How Long Does It Take To Get Over Someone?
He didn’t suddenly turn into a Don Juan, an ambassador of respect. Acting like he’s “respectful” is an attempt to convince himself and others that he’s changed, capable of respecting others, and that he’s not the man you know (and I’m sure others know).
What to do when your ex deletes you from social media:
Recognize that this is a good thing. It is. This is an opportunity to move on and end the age of immaturity in your love life once and for all.
Don’t react. Don’t react. Be the elegant, strong, peaceful, non-reactive person that you’ve always admired and wished you could be (this is your chance). Reacting in any way is like handing your ex a pen to write your story. Know that if you let him or any of his friends or mutual friends know that you know he unfollowed you, that’s all he needs to know and he’ll know that it’s gotten to you and that it’s “worked out.” The problem is that we are so confused, shocked, and hurt when we realize we’ve been unfollowed that we immediately give in to our ego, throw logic out the window, and unfollow in retaliation because we see it as a personal blow. No, no, no. It’s not personal. It’s a reflection of him and his situation. Remember—you’re too busy to notice any unfollowing! I don’t care if you only have three followers. You’re too busy! Don’t unfollow him. For now, just wait it out (and I know it will take a lot of willpower at first). Even if you’re not there yet, you should give the impression that you’re too busy to follow or notice who’s unfollowing you. Then, after a few weeks, you can unfollow him and throw yourself a party afterward to get the job done. You’re simply too busy to notice. It takes weeks, even months, to notice these things. Remember that. Opportunity. Seize this great opportunity: a chance to reclaim your power, prove yourself, and, for the first time, tear down that destructive rearview mirror. Never tie your value to “unfollow,” “follow,” “block,” or “like.”
