Losing the love of your life makes you realize that love can be a double-edged sword. It can make us feel so uniquely connected to the world and fill our hearts until they overflow. It can also cut our heart to shreds, leaving painful feelings seeping out for a long time to come.
One of the most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. The one who was there for you loved you, and did the “thick and thin” thing because they believed in you. But now they are gone.
The. One. That. I got it. Away. away.
Losing the love of your life and realizing it may take some time to manifest. There is pain on both sides when detachment occurs. Healing time. The time when he begins to move on and life slowly becomes happier. The pain subsides, and you reflect on the lessons you have learned and are looking for a new love.
There are also times when this does not happen. Where you find yourself thinking about someone every day. Losing the love of your life is painful. You feel heavy with guilt, and regret for life in your intestines. You often ask yourself at this stage, thinking that this person you have lost, has left a gap in your life that can never be filled.
As you begin to emotionally process your role in the breakup, you slowly come to the painful realization that you have ruined yourself and this relationship.
The first step is to ask yourself ” Why?”
Didn’t you feel good enough / worthy of this person and because of that, do you feel insecure and do things to sabotage your relationship?
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Is being intimate scaring you and making you push them away?
Were you afraid of having to escalate?
Have you been wanting to commit but at the time, not feeling ready to give up/compromise on your freedom or lifestyle?
Have you been living a lie somehow?
Half/half from another relationship they didn’t know about?
Are you cheating on her?
Did you lie?
Or, was it circumstantial?
Was distance a major issue?
It was about the money – did you make more or did they make less? Does this make you feel threatened, unworthy, or guilty?
Career options and opportunities?
How and why we self-sabotage reasons are endless. The whole subversion thing is a red flag that we are not in tune with ourselves and our needs. It is a sign that we are separated from who we are and where we are going in life right now. It also highlights our fears, insecurities, and inability to be honest – with ourselves and others.
In our pursuit of happiness, we sometimes overlook the obvious. When it comes to jeopardizing our relationship with another person, we often become blind to the damage we have done to ourselves, because we are immersed in the pain of the prospect of losing them. When we are consumed by the thought of their absence, we do not realize that in the process, we have also lost a part of ourselves.
Life is colored in winter colors and life does not move. Even in the absence of communication for several months, and maybe more than a year-sometimes your connection with an emotionally available person, good to you, and loved you, will not fade away. Attempts to start dating again, to be in a new relationship, still leave you finding yourself unable to break up.
The feeling of wanting them and missing them fills every day. The love that you still carry for them does not diminish. The guilt you feel for hurting that particular person holds tight. When you think about them, you pull your heartstrings because you remember how pure their intention is. How they have always been so consistent, so consistent, and able to be themselves effortlessly. Always there for you. No drama. No one can live up to those qualities. WTF happened?
You may hate yourself sometimes because you know that it was you who caused the split and you are responsible for causing pain to someone you appreciate and you can’t move on from it.
After losing the love of your life (and a lot of soul-searching), you come back to the same realization, that the problem was completely you. And it was your emotional punching bag that you lost.
A person who deserves much more than the crap I gave them. The one who even in the darkest of times, wanted you enough to put up with everything, until they finally said “Enough is enough.”
How do you reconcile with someone if you are in this place?
Can it even be done?
After you have lost the love of your life, can you make them notice that you have changed?
Stop for a minute and refocus on this instead:
Ask yourself again: “Why did this happen? How did losing the love of my life become a reality?”
There is one caveat with this however, you need to be completely honest with yourself before you try to contact this person.
You need to reconcile inside before you can reconcile with anyone else.
So, why did it happen? Where was I wrong? And can you change these factors to ensure a clean slate if you try again?
If you want a different result, you should do things differently. It’s that simple. If circumstances do not change, you will not be able to achieve anything new or create a place where love will grow.
Yes, it can be done. Nothing is impossible. But you need to be ready for this, open to it, and emotionally available.
It should be said in advance, that you can never revive a lost love if you cannot cope with why you are sabotaging a situation. Your relationships with others are always a reflection of you. Always.
That is why when we begin to develop and become a better person, we move away from people who no longer serve us well or do not support us. On the contrary, that’s why when we are in a state of insecurity, self-sabotage, or emotional unavailability, the good ones go.
Such attracts such.
When you develop healthy boundaries, many other good things will also result, but you have to do a big cleaning along the way. Bad habits, bad choices, and toxic relationships have to go.
The positive side of self-sabotage is that you begin to see that the answers are always inside. Every time you do self-sabotage, you just need to look at yourself. There is a wealth of information in your behavior that you can either ignore or admit. Do the latter, and it will grow. Did the former, history will continue to repeat itself.
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Sometimes we unconsciously cut ourselves off from something good, so we can avoid dealing with painful issues inside. So it is, in fact, a deliberate choice, but without you at first, consciously understanding why.
For example, it doesn’t matter how great sex is, if you can’t be there for someone emotionally when he needs you in other ways, then this is not true love. You need to be present and emotionally available.
You may find yourself pushing someone away when you feel vulnerable because it’s scary. When a relationship with a healthy person begins to develop in deeper ways, everything that lies inside you sheds light on him. And if you have fear inside or pain, it will begin to manifest. It is the surfacing of painful feelings and fear, which often lead to self-sabotage.
Instead of dealing with the self-doubt that is boiling over, we do these things instead:
We stop communicating. We are pushing people away. We make excuses. We’re lying. We got very busy. We tell lies or versions of the truth. We try to hide our shame or fear. We blame others. We play games. We start the battles. We avoid conversations. We run hot and cold. We make choices in life that have us leveling down, not up.
And at our worst, we choose people who will never love us again (because, on some level, we don’t think we deserve to be loved). It’s more comfortable temporarily but it’s a way to anywhere… Ouch. Redirect. Please.
Here’s the deal though…
If you are with someone who is highly valued, who has strong boundaries, and is emotionally available…
Hmm. Oh, will. Let go.
They won’t put up with this for months on end. Why?:
Because they know their worth their words are allowed to match their actions.
Your words and actions will probably no longer match, and they will feel, see, and hear this.
They will minimize their losses.
Because you don’t offer love. You are offering a version of love, full of mixed messages. And it has become clear that you can not love yourself, let alone them. They do not see themselves worthy of these conflicting messages or the drama and confusion created. If they try to level with you, and you can not level back, you will see a brick wall in front of them before you reach it. And leave.
This is who you are, reflect on you. Take a look. Learn from losing the love of your life.
Be brave and accept yourself. Learn to love yourself first, then can you open your heart to another.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
What a powerful quote. I think we give the love that we are capable of too. If you know that you have emotionally shortened a special person, open your heart to yourself.
Regarding broken hearts: you can only mend your hearts. Stop focusing outward on trying to love others if you are currently unable to love yourself. Truly, self-sabotage is rooted in the feeling of unworthiness of good things. Understand this, and you will quickly pick it up when something pushes you into this state. There is an advantage to be gained in this knowledge and when you are aware of this connection, you can prevent yourself from falling into the same trap.
When we are left with a broken heart, the pieces are right in front of us we cannot escape what we feel at this level. You are vulnerable when you are in this state, and pain is a gift because it helps you grow and move forward. You cannot move forward or heal without pain. Don’t be afraid of it-embrace it!
To restore the one who escaped, you need to be ready to share your weaknesses and apologize in the most heartfelt way. You will never find that hard to do if you are healthily connected to your emotions.
Do the work first and then proceed.
You will know that you are ready when you can look inside. Everything that appears on the outside is a direct consequence of what lies inside. This message is constantly repeated here because it is the real issue we are dealing with. There are no shortcuts, emotional discounts, or” 14-day anti-self-sabotage plans ” when it comes to this.
Remember, there was a time when this person was in your life and wanted you to. Where they are sitting with these feelings now, you won’t know until you communicate with them. Go to any contact with an open heart. The worst-case scenario is that they won’t be able to say yes to you.
If you did not succeed in reuniting with the one who ran away, at least look at the gift in what you have left: a lesson you learned so as not to repeat the same mistakes. This is a life-changing bestowal to receive. Treasure it. Only an emotionally available healthy person can give you something like that.
If the person who ran away did not choose to try again with you, try not to see this as a refusal. Try to see that he is someone with healthy boundaries communicating to you that what you were offering was not loving and because of that, they chose to break free.
If they had chosen to stay, it would have been fertile ground for more dysfunction, more emotional drama, and zero growth. They have taught you by their actions, that love is not like that! They moved away. To do so would also harm them. They had to heal and accept the loss too.
The amount of healing that needs to be done on their part depends on the reasons for which they moved. If you started pushing them away because you felt intimidated by intimacy, this is different from serial cheating on them. All in all, though, anything you do to ruin something good, always comes back to you. The other extreme is collateral damage. But you have to own your part in hurting and involve them through your unresolved issues.
Since moving, they may have found a new love. Perhaps they are in a new place in life, and their circumstances have changed in such a way that they feel they will not accommodate you as a couple.
You may have learned the lesson, you may have changed, but the water is flowing under the bridge. The past is the past. You have no control over some things. You only have today. Right now. The present. Use it. Be generous if you find yourself unable to move on with this person because they have chosen not to. If they are conveying their feelings to you, know that they are doing this out of respect and love.
If you get the green light…
When the possibility of re-engagement arises after losing the love of your life, and they are willing to consider rebuilding a relationship with you, realize the beauty in this. It’s a rare opportunity. Nothing happens by accident, so accept it with your whole heart! Be the best version of yourself, for you. Your partner will constantly benefit if you are in a good place with yourself.
Always remember that you need to love yourself first to do well in loving another person.
The whole lesson of losing the love of your life by self-sabotage is this:
You are responsible for your happiness, no one else.
You are responsible for your behavior, no one else. If you don’t see the things you want in life, look at yourself. What are you afraid of?
Self-sabotage is when you spear at the last moment, afraid of what awaits you (even if it is useful to you).
If you ever feel unworthy, in essence, you’ll navigate your way towards a good prospect and make excuses.
Do I ever feel like that? The next time you do, try this:
Say it.
Say it out loud to yourself. Tell it to the person you’re with. Say, ” I’m feeling a little insecure right now. I want this, but at the same time, it’s scary.”
Say it. Why?: Because when you say that you are not hiding your fears. Because when you are weak, you are real. And if you are with people who are good to you, they will love and respect you for that, love and respect you through it. When you admit to something that scares you, you solve a lot of this fear. Share it with someone you love, this is about trust and acceptance. We are still worthy even when we struggle. Do not hide behind lies, excuses, and lameness. Own who you are. Mistakes and all.
The flip side of this is: do not accept excuses and lameness from others. If they can’t own their mistakes, you can’t love them! Simple. People are like diamonds. Multifaceted. We cannot go through life, presenting the bright side that we think we have to present. What makes a diamond beautiful is the way it penetrates light. The way the diamond is cut reflects this light. Please do not spoil it yourself by thinking that you can hide parts of yourself. Every diamond shines, despite its flaws.
We are all flawed.
There is no perfection. Drop this standard because as Natasha says, it’s the lowest level you can ever stick to. Be real, be flawed, and learn to be vulnerable. If you manage to do this, you will stop sabotaging yourself. Learn to let people in. It’s about being emotionally available. This is where intimacy begins with Bud.
Self-sabotage is the emotional equivalent of running away (and, ultimately, losing the love of your life). Where Are you going to run? What are you hiding? You can’t run away from who you are. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself. Love Yourself.
The person who ran away, may not be someone you were romantically involved with. You may look back and see it as a missed business opportunity. A once golden friendship. A one-time opportunity to try something new or exciting incredible social invitation – a chance to shine because someone saw something wonderful in you-and you pulled out at the last moment.
Look inside. look inside.
Sabotaging anything for ourselves is always about our fears, anxieties, and lack of self clouding our view of what is being offered to us. Fortunately, life has a way of giving us new opportunities to try again, and so we can evolve and overcome the problems that are holding us back. If you can look inside, you realize, nothing is lost.
If you find yourself wanting to reconnect with that special soul that has not left your heart, know this:
If you are honest, kind, and open with yourself and with them, they will know and appreciate this. They will respect you for that. You can love and respect yourself too. It takes courage and courage to approach a person you have hurt and admit it.
Remember that it happened because you forgot to love yourself. It happened because of self-sabotage.
There is no specific rule or formula that can revive a lost love, but there are steps you can take to create a fertile place for that love to possibly blossom again. You can’t have love develop with another person unless you can thrive inside First. If you can’t love and accept yourself, then no one can.
Be grateful for these two beautiful things if you know that you have lost a true love:
Firstly, you can attract a loving person because you have what it takes, even if sometimes you fail to see it. But you need to back up your qualities and insecurities by loving them too, otherwise you will always end up coming from a place of lack, or unworthiness. This is where the bond is always broken.
Heal your brokenness, and the bond will no longer break. Admit your fears and shortcomings, because when you do this, something beloved comes from her, instead of being a barrier, she becomes a bridge to perfection.
We all have mistakes and insecurities. Don’t think you’re the only one. You have to choose not to hide behind the created images, bravado, and a version of the truth. True love is the ability to be vulnerable. No one can approach you until you are in that place with yourself.
Secondly, the one who cares tries to love you again. When they left, they reflected to you what you cannot see in yourself, unavailability. I was a person with whom they hit a brick wall, and wise people knew what to do when they hit brick walls.
They walk away. This is the gift they gave you. Time to think. To achieve this. Recognize them and work on them. This person showed you that without being on an even playing field, no one will score.
The saddest thing about self-sabotage is that it achieves nothing! It doesn’t keep us safe. What we all need to understand is that when we are connected to someone healthily and lovingly, it is easier to deal with bad days and weaknesses. Because these issues do not dominate or pollute the relationship.
Look at it this way, no one in a solid relationship will leave you because you have the flu. And they won’t leave you when you say ” I feel unsure of myself about this. I’m working on it, and I’m grateful for your support.”
And I also realize, any opportunity to be in an emotionally available relationship, is an opportunity to show how it has evolved and grown. This time, you have a lot to offer. You have a strong chance at happiness because you are in a place full of self-love, not self-sabotage. You have love to offer, and you no longer feel any need to hide it. You also no longer suffer from the paralyzing fear of letting him in.
This is the love you deserve. This is the love you need to let in. This is the only love you want to accept and give, to others.
The gift of failure:
We have this terrible habit of looking at failure negatively, but, failure teaches us new ways of looking at things and paves the way for growth and success.
Without fail, we do not learn a better way. The one that got away, the light shines on to where you need to stand in the future, do not fall.
Losing the love of your life is very lonely, but that special person has never left you. Even if they didn’t come back, they changed you for life. They have awakened your soul. I have loved you enough to walk away and let you know, this love is what you deserve. This was something you didn’t see in yourself. Which was printed on you. A real lesson about love.
The heartbreak of losing the love of your life is really about where you were in your life at the time the person walked in. Failed relationships highlight the place where we feel hungry. They show us where we need to go next and reflect on the energy that we give.
Time passes, and with this, the past becomes something that belongs to days that you cannot restore. You can’t live in the past. The one proverb that you got away with, even if you get it back, is still about moving on. Do not think that it will be the same as before, it will not be. It can’t be. The dynamic will change if you make the change.
When you look at yourself and why you ruined yourself something that led to the loss of the love of your life, these wonderful things happen:
You learn how to communicate better next time. You learn to express yourself fully. It allows you to emotionally connect with yourself, which, in turn, allows you to develop this connection with others. Give and take in relationships, is something you will learn about. You will discover the level of self-esteem it takes to say” I’ve had enough ” and walk away, and you will realize how he should evaluate that in you, too.
You will develop empathy for others because when you can look at your failures and fears, and forgive yourself, you also open a window that allows you to do the same for others. Mercy will reside within you.
Above all, you learn to let go when you face yourself. Self-sabotage is all about trying to protect yourself. But, paradoxically, she does not achieve this. You cling to the wrong things and fear takes over you. Feeling unworthy is like wearing a dark, heavy cloak in the summer and trying to feel the sun’s Rays on your skin. It can never happen.
So, if you find yourself in a place where you miss someone so much that you feel that they are the one who ran away, that you cannot move on without them – stop. Understand that on your journey with them, they helped show you where you need to grow. There will always be another opportunity in the future where you can love again. No one got away.
