How To Deal With A Narcissist – The Ultimate Guide

Knowing how to deal with a narcissist involves letting go of the expectation that you will have a normal, healthy relationship.

Your limits will be exceeded.

You will be given intermittent and inconsistent attention, love, and support.

Worse, in your attempt to survive, you may blame yourself, isolate yourself, and become completely emotionally dependent on someone who is not equipped to support himself emotionally, let alone you.

At this point, it is indisputable that the only sensible advice on this topic is: to leave. But maybe you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and you can’t imagine leaving. Or maybe you are a single parent with a narcissist, living with one, or in the presence of narcissistic family members, friends, or coworkers.

Like many people, you probably find yourself routinely surrounded by narcissists despite recently dumping a narcissistic friend or partner. I would never advocate staying in an abusive relationship.

This is not a post about how to grit your teeth through abuse.

The purpose of this post is to help you protect your emotional ground so you can untangle your triggers from the toxic actions and people in your life.

Staying in this type of relationship involves creating your emotional Empire.

It doesn’t just mean giving yourself “self-love.”It’s about coming to terms with the fact that you will never receive the kind of emotional support that you should be able to expect from this person.

Building your emotional empire means grounding yourself in the firm belief that this type of person cannot know and see you because they have never developed the emotional maturity to do so. They can’t even know or see themselves. This is very difficult to come to terms with. And it requires constant maintenance or you will return to old patterns to assume that something is wrong with you (or that you do not deserve consistent love and support).

The only way to stay sane when dealing with a narcissist is to face reality, grieve for what you thought the relationship was, and stay grounded in the reality of the relationship you are dealing with.
To learn how to deal with a narcissist, you must first accept some basic facts:

1. Narcissism is a coping mechanism that is developed at a very early age.

There are various reasons for this to happen, some of which have to do with severe emotional trauma, but narcissism can also develop in well-meaning and loving homes. Narcissism is an adaptation to survive what seems to be a self-impossible situation.

Regardless of the type, we realize that people develop narcissistic adaptations to protect themselves.

This adaptation is not precisely, accurately, or selectively tuned.

He does not respond to logic or love.

She is old and instinctive.

It won’t change.

2. Adaptation does not discriminate.

Narcissists are people, with different personality traits, just like other people. However, they have a pattern of thinking and acting that remains constant. This pattern is triggered no matter who is around when a narcissist is triggered.

You might assume that a narcissist would treat someone else – someone who is better-looking, smarter, cooler, or wealthier- with more respect.

You may assume that they will suddenly burn out in the good person under whom they are all (or that they introduced themselves to be at first).

While a narcissist will make you feel worthless, unloved, and ignored, know that you are just in the path of a storm. Given the right conditions, a hurricane will swallow any house on the coast. This pattern of behavior does not discriminate, although it is claimed that he acts based on “value.”If narcissism is a hurricane, it will hit an ideal newly renovated house of celebrities in the same way as it will swallow any other. It is only a matter of time.

3. Narcissists switch between seeing themselves as:

(1) completely worthless or (2) more worthy than others.

This is the pattern. These are the only two options. It is either one or the other. It is a pendulum, swinging from one end to the other, endlessly.

4. Negative thoughts and emotions are unbearable.

Negative thoughts lead narcissists to believe that they are completely worthless. This is experienced beyond their level of consciousness. Just like any other human being, negative thoughts and emotions can strike at any time.

5. The ego is everything.

To return to feeling good (as opposed to worthless), narcissists will incorporate various measures to feel better about themselves that will turn out to be incredible, selfish, and disgusting to others. This includes devaluing and shattering anyone in sight; betraying partners, friends, and coworkers to get validation elsewhere; and punishing those around them who have accidentally (or intentionally) caused the worthlessness they feel.

The ego requires constant maintenance or their self-esteem will decline to an unbearable state. Even if you are important, protecting your ego will always always be more important than you. This means that narcissists can only cope with themselves. They cannot be disturbed by other people’s feelings when all their energy is needed to regulate their self-esteem. Again, this is part of the adaptation and has nothing to do with you.

The things they do to maintain their self-esteem will not make sense to you. You will be hurt so much at the moment that you can’t even identify them as ways to maintain self-esteem. It may be offensive. They are very likely to make you feel worthless, unwanted, ignored, or neglected. Other people, including someone the narcissist likes and may not intentionally want to hurt, are secondary to survival.

The primary key to all these facts is this: the love, attention, validation, credit, or support you seek from this person will not be given to you consistently, for reasons that have nothing to do with you. You are simply a volunteer in all systems of a person, business as usual, way of life.

The infusion of a system full of love, loyalty, understanding, and communication distributes only those through the system, to the extent that the system is developed enough to understand and evaluate those qualities. They cannot change the way the system works. The system is limited. He is designed to protect himself in a very specific way. This is not fair, and he is not able to return what you enter in kind.

Once these facts are accepted, the sudden, hurtful or counterintuitive behavior of people begins to make more sense.

You can separate your worth from the deep-rooted patterns of others.

Read these facts again. Without accepting these facts as facts (and building an emotional Empire fortified by these facts), the following ways of dealing with a narcissist will never seem real to you. You will get lost and cling to someone who does not have the self-love, self-awareness, and emotional maturity to support themselves or you.

How to deal with a narcissist: understand that for a narcissist, feelings are facts.

If the narcissist does not feel good, then you are not good. This does not mean that the narcissist feels feelings that have a deeper meaning about you or the relationship. It can simply mean that the narcissist is tired, hungry, hot, invasive, upset, stressed, impatient, sick, too drunk, not drunk enough, etc. This is especially true in the case of boredom, which for narcissists, is widespread. If you are around, you will also be identified as” not good ” by the association. Narcissists always fail the kindergarten test “Which of these things is not like the other”. When you are in a dark mood, all things are rotated as they are, and the value of all these things is randomly reduced.

This will make you feel confused and attacked. It will make you feel that it is your responsibility to turn this mood around. It’s not like that. Realize that this is just part of the system and emotionally take yourself out of this moment, if you can.

How to deal with a narcissist: understanding a narcissist, amnesia is life.

By the same token, the moment you are devalued (which can be at any moment), you may feel that everything that this person knew or loved about you has suddenly disappeared. I’m back to square one, and square one sounds like hatred or disgust. Narcissists conclude and make decisions based on what they consider to be “gut feelings.”In our culture,” instinctive feelings ” are king, and there is no point in talking to someone about what he considers to be a truism.

This can be very traumatic. It’s going to make you feel like you have to do a tap dance montage of absolutely everything you’ve ever done, felt, and contributed to the relationship at 3x the speed. You will feel that every intention you have has been misunderstood. Again, this is a function of the fact that the narcissist, the only reality is how the narcissist feels right now. Do not click on the dance. You have something to prove. This moment will pass. Your feelings of hurt and betrayal will not pass.

How to deal with a narcissist: they need you more than you need them.

All human beings need love and affection to be healthy. Narcissists are addicted to attention because they feel they need it to survive.

Without it, they feel worthless, and this feeling is unbearable. Your energy is valuable. The energy of others is also valuable. Try not to take this personally. The hoarder will bring home a can of reduced toothpaste to put in his closet, no matter how much toothpaste they already has – even if the new Can is of much lower quality than the other toothpaste they already have. No offense to hoarders. Or you.

How to deal with a narcissist: do not expect to decipher problems or arguments.

Dealing with a narcissist takes “choosing your battles” to a new level. Blame causes the narcissist to return to feeling worthless, and when you feel worthless, they are likely to retaliate and make things worse. Not all available advice on proper communication and problem-solving applies to this type of relationship. The responsibility lies on you to deal with what you do not like.

You can communicate your dead drop / absolutely can not cross the boundaries but understand that those boundaries are more like promises to yourself that you will remove yourself from the relationship completely if crossed.

They have nothing to do with the other person because the other person is not good at communication or boundaries. In the meantime, give positive feedback when it is applicable. Use the phrases” we “and” team ” when conducting any kind of conversation, so that the narcissist does not feel attacked and rushed. Get some eggshells. get some eggshells. Practice walking on them. Good luck.

How to deal with a narcissist:

When dating a narcissist, it is necessary to realize that deep down in them lies an uncompromising inner critic who can step forward and blur all that is loving, kind, and self-accepting at any moment. This inner voice is harsh and tormented. Many times, what you end up hearing are the reflections of the inner voice of this narcissist, directed and projected onto you. When faced with this, it is important to understand that the contempt you feel for them is a mirror of the hatred they harbor for themselves.

This is not an appeal to you to pity them or an excuse for their behavior. It is simply an insight into the complex dynamics of dating a narcissist. Without the right protection mechanisms, you may inadvertently find yourself entangled in a web of cruelty and self-loathing.

How to deal with a narcissist: intimacy is a problem.

The moment when you may feel closer or more connected to this person is the moment when they may pull away or say something to you that is so terrible that it makes you reconsider the whole relationship. This may happen during a happy vacation with your partner, after a “deep” conversation with a friend, or after completing a project at work, if the narcissist is someone you work with.

Counterintuitive, yes, but this will happen when things look good. Narcissists cannot experience intimacy with themselves. They cannot see themselves as having good qualities and bad qualities at the same time. They cannot conceive the idea that another person has both good and bad qualities at the same time. But intimacy inevitably involves openness, acceptance, and becoming enslaved to our imperfections, the things that make us unique, our shadows and our light. For a person who does not have the emotional maturity to endure intimacy, this experience is like approaching a fire. Unfortunately, this may happen exactly at the moment when your guard is low.

Understand that this is a function of the way the system is built. People with this adaptation freak out when you reveal a vulnerable part of yourself. This does not mean that you are unloved for who you are. This means that the person to whom you revealed yourself is limited in his ability to be emotionally intimate.
How to deal with a narcissist: pathological jealousy is rampant.

Narcissists are morbidly jealous at their core.

Many times, narcissists are pathologically jealous of the very things they claim to hate/assign a low value to. This constant state of triangulation and comparison will inevitably make you feel that you are not good enough. Sometimes this is intentional. Sometimes this is a narcissist who thinks out loud. In both cases, pathological jealousy is nothing but a symptom of the pendulum swinging to worthlessness and you are simply hanging on the pendulum arm for a dear life. Don’t let pathological jealousy consume you. It’s contagious.

How to deal with a narcissist: silence is communication.

Narcissists often stop talking to you or fall off the face of the earth without warning. While this may make you feel like you are not important or forgotten, the truth is that narcissists use silent therapy to express their displeasure.

Perhaps you have provoked their pathological jealousy.

You may have triggered any number of negative emotions.

Only they can decide when the silent treatment ends. Your natural reaction will be to try to find out what happened, prove your worth, and seek attention.

This will be perceived as annoying at best and pathetic at worst.

This kind of revenge will never make sense to you because it is not intuitive, logical, fair, or proportionate to the act. It has little to do with you, other than the fact that you were in the vicinity when this person blamed a negative feeling.
How to deal with a narcissist: persisting through devaluation cycles and silent therapy.

In my opinion, this is the essence of self-preservation that must be adhered to when dealing with a narcissist. You will feel awful when you are put down, ignored, abandoned. This will happen in cycles-some short, some long. For some people, these cycles last a lifetime. Don’t waste your life waiting for someone to organize themselves again to see your value.

Put out a bottle of wine. You may be depressed, but consider using this time as a rest. Parent yourself. Make an appointment with the dentist. When dealing with a narcissist, you will be worse for wear, no matter how much you think you are dealing with this situation. Your body absorbs stress, and this will inevitably eventually become a symptom. Take this opportunity to take care of yourself. Go through an inventory of how you feel. Process what you have been postponing.

Do not put your life on hold. Even if you think that the relationship will undergo some miraculous transformation, think about what you need to do today to take care of your future-physically, emotionally, and professionally. Take a deliberate action, because you may disappear so much that this kind of action may not come naturally to you anymore. Think of this as your insurance policy whatever the outcome.

How to deal with a narcissist: accept that you will never feel good enough for a very long time.

For a narcissist, perfection is the absence of pain. Even if the narcissist is ridiculously far from perfect. The image is everything. You will know exactly how to maintain this image because the narcissist will steadily feed you a diet of their expectations. But maintaining this image is a quick path to exhaustion and self-hatred. I was put on this earth to be more than the perfect 24-hour concierge for someone else.

You are real, and if you stay in this kind of relationship, understand that you have to bear the weight of constantly reminding yourself that you are worthy, valuable, and loved as you are, despite how you feel in the relationship. You must build your emotional empire that supports these facts otherwise you will feel like disappearing as you constantly compare yourself to a level of unattainable perfection.
How to deal with a narcissist: expect drama so you can ignore drama.

People spend their lives cycling in and out of relationships with narcissists because they believe that the narcissist experiences a real change of heart after the narcissist “comes back” after a period of devaluing the person. While it can feel like an incredible relief to feel seen again after being abused, this session to see you as worthy again has little to do with you. You have always been worthy. The backswing is just a part of the system, which constantly entrusts value cycles and devaluations. Narcissists don’t value you and only devalue you. They value and devalue themselves too. See this for what it is before your life becomes a suspense movie on a loop.

How to deal with a narcissist: don’t tell a narcissist he or she is a narcissist.

This is pointless. Just don’t.
How to deal with a narcissist: no one is your narcissist.

No one is your “fire”.”The use of this kind of terminology is a symptom of being traumatized by a toxic relationship. There are a lot of terms that have come up when it comes to narcissists who add little value to your life.
Do not fall into the internet rabbit hole.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do your research on narcissism, and I know that people find it deeply affirming to understand that others are going through a similar experience. But know that people are also deeply stuck, mired in Internet Research, only to shock themselves again and again.

Return to the basic facts about narcissism. Everyone who is in your life is a highly traumatized and toxic person. This is just my opinion, but while this person may be manipulative, he is busy taming his monsters. There is little to be gained from getting to the bottom of their inner world because their inner world is very shallow. You will never build your emotional empire from having a PhD in toxic people.
How to deal with a narcissist: practicality is a good reason for this thing that others call love.

Being in the presence of a narcissist comes down to what you can objectively present about image, resources, social hierarchy, gender, convenience, etc.

It may seem that narcissists “work harder” in some relationships over others during different times of their lives. At such times they may have an imminent need for a “beard” relationship to support the narcissist’s image as someone who can be a good partner, parents, friend, family member, professional contact, coworker, etc.

The need for different types of relationship beards will change over time, with age, status, along with a million other factors. It may seem that this person has a better relationship with a different partner, friend, co-worker, etc., But the knowledge of the system remains the same.
How to deal with a narcissist: ask yourself ” Why?”

Ray for understanding: why does getting love and attention from this person feel so important?

The answer to this question may lie in your primary history, trauma, or memory.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. Despite what we say about the importance of self-love, we feel alive through communication with others. All human beings need love, affection, and support. Including people with narcissistic adaptations who may be in our lives for various reasons.

The question is this: Why do we choose to constantly invest so much of ourselves, specifically to people who do not feel more alive to our touch, who are closed when it comes to intimacy, and who do not make us feel seen, heard, and loved?

The answer may be: because it has always been so.
Imagine yourself as a small child, riding on a carousel. You are gripping the cool metal bar as you ride around on the horse. You are having a lot of fun. You feel pure joy. You Babble loudly on the horse to express your joy. The horse does not respond to you or love you back because it’s just an old wooden horse that only knows to move up and down on a circular rhythm turning round and round. Soon the trip was over.

Imagine now, instead of enjoying this moment on the carousel and moving on to other things, you constantly return to your old horse, later in life, in search of understanding, joy, and consolation. Chasing that old feeling. Convinced that only in this carousel you can feel sincere joy. During middle school, during high school, at 20, 30, and beyond. Perhaps you tell one horse all your stories, those that come from the bottom of your heart, and expect a response. Maybe you try different horses on the carousel. You grow up, dress differently, express new ideas. You are beautiful, full of energy, and love, and looking for a connection, but all you receive in return is just another familiar spin around the carousel. You only feel lonely because those wooden horses will never come to life with a touch.

They will never respond to you, no matter what you do. It’s not what they know to do.

People become enslaved by narcissists because they experience a relationship with a narcissist as something old and familiar. Something reminds them of a relationship from another time. Something that looks like a house, like riding on an old carousel.

They are stuck in a cycle of needing to be loved by a very specific type of person: someone who by definition is not equipped to love them again. Forever opening up and looking for joy from an old wooden horse will never come to life, no matter how tightly you close your eyes and wish it were so. Maybe you are trying with others of the same type of people who also can not love you or anyone loves you, thinking this time it will be different. Perhaps you find yourself on the same carousel ride over and over again. Locked in the shackles of someone else’s revolutions.

Start thinking about what it will be like if you emotionally rid yourself of your old carousel.

When you start to think about this, you will be horrified. As if the carousel is still moving. The closer you get to the edge, the faster it looks like it’s turning around. There will never come a time when you will feel good about landing. You will feel dizzy and sick, and you will need to hang on tighter.

Giving up going will feel crazy.

But know that if you jump, waiting for you, at your fingertips will be your responsive and beautiful white horse.

You won’t have to work hard anymore to make a round horse come to life, because your realistic white horse is already there for you.

You will jump on the horse and feel the horse’s energy, pulse, and love under you.

You will ride away from the carousel to other experiences, where your love can be returned to you in kind.

This is possible for you. Just think about it.

Written by: Natasha Adamo team member, Irina.