The various traits of narcissists as told by Paul are so wide-ranging that it would require two entire blogs to cover the list. I’ll try to list a dozen of the features I missed in my first post. I consider these traits of narcissists as important as the first list. (See here) I suppose that the first time I read 2 Timothy 3, I was so involved in a system that was so abusive that I couldn’t really understand the moral weight of it. Later, I read it without really understanding the term “narcissist,” but I began to see connections between what I suffered at the hands of my ex and the traits of a narcissist as told by Paul.

Before I go any further, let me add a disclaimer: If you are related to someone with these characteristics, seek help. Some pastors understand the traits of narcissists. Others don’t. Some advisors understand and others are less aware. While you’re looking for that help, read as much as you can. Educating yourself is always the first step towards freedom.

Characteristics of narcissists (Part Two)

1: Unholy

This particular trait is annoying to me because it manifests itself in so many different ways. The example that comes to my mind is a wedding I once attended. The father of the bride was abusive and now I realize he is a complete narcissist. During the wedding, he laughed and guffawed at the vows, pretended to stand up to object and made himself uncomfortable. He simply cannot bear the spotlight on his daughter. But to treat a wedding as a joke is to desecrate something sacred. It seems that narcissists often need to disrupt sacred routines in order to draw attention to themselves. It does not occur to them that such behavior is unholy.

2: Without normal emotion

Of all the traits of narcissists, this one hurts me the most. I have a lot of specific memories of my ex and his treatment of me, our daughters, and his family. He regularly announced that his sister was dead when she was not. He just didn’t like her. He often threatened us all with physical violence and rarely bought anyone gifts unless it was something he wanted. I’m not writing this to complain. I was out of that relationship for twenty years. But later I realized that one of the characteristics of narcissists that must be clearly understood is that they do not love. They can feign love as a means to an end, but true love lies beyond their ability.

3: Truce breakers

The promise of such an individual is worthless. I hear from women and men all the time how the narcissist in their life made great promises to get better and then relapsed soon after. False promises are just another manipulation tool that an abuser uses to get what he wants.

4: Urinary incontinence

While it is a medical term these days, in the era of the King James Version, it meant a lack of all self-control. While every narcissist has their own weaknesses, I find that many of them overspend, are promiscuous, and often times, cannot hold down a job. Life requires us to do many boring or difficult things, often over and over again. But for the narcissist, the basic rules of adulthood do not apply to him.

5: Fierce

The definition of this word is: having or showing extreme or ferocious aggression. Anyone who has experienced the mood of such an individual knows firsthand what this feels like. I think about a narcissistic boss I once had. She was stomping up and down the aisles to assert her dominance and let us know she was watching. Aggressive behavior is rarely called for in most situations, but for the narcissist, anger equals control.

6: Those who despise the righteous

One of the most destructive traits of narcissists is their tendency to project onto others. Gossip is another currency of the abuser. They often whisper slanderous rumors about others, especially those who seem to like others. People who are admired or have a good reputation are seen as a threat or competition. On a personal level, the more time I spent praying or reading the Bible, the more my ex made fun of me, to the point of burning Bibles in the house. Unholy, indeed.

7: Traitors

I’m thinking of Judas here. (See here) It takes a true narcissist to completely and intentionally betray someone they love. Betraying another person for personal gain says a lot about the narcissist’s self-preoccupation. Whether it’s through infidelity, financial abuse, ghosting, or a myriad of different means, abusers never take into account the harm they cause. People are a means to an end. One of the most disturbing traits of narcissists is that they have no conscience. It’s a short step from narcissistic personality disorder to sociopath.

8: False accusers

Constant criticism and complaints are the hallmarks of a narcissistic parent. Grades are never high enough. Some insist on beauty in their daughters, academic excellence, or athletic prowess in both sexes. Only perfection is allowed, despite his complete lack of excellence in his own life. Everyone, inside and outside the family, is exposed to constant criticism. The assumption is that he has the ultimate knowledge and experience from which to judge. This is more than just the desire to excel. The standards are astronomically high.

The effect of all this constant commentary is self-loathing and imposter syndrome in children. All of this criticism is internalized, creating a cycle of low self-esteem. I remember one of my daughters was reading a book to her second-grade class. Her father would ask her endlessly about simple points that I would never remember. He berated her lack of photographic memory, destroying her love of reading which she had only now regained.

7: The narcissistic father is often codependent.

My daughters and I were blessed to have him walk out of our lives as soon as he lost custody of the girls. His dependency passed from me and our daughters to his parents. While I was the primary breadwinner during our marriage, his father ended up supporting him afterward. His boast was always about the money he would one day inherit. As for me and our daughters, we made it on our own.

But all too often adult children of narcissistic parents find themselves receiving care far beyond the normal scope of elder care. If your father is constantly calling you, criticizing your care for him, or making unreasonable demands of you, you are having a really hard time. At the end of this blog, there are some excellent books detailing how to deal with aging narcissistic parents.

If this resonates with you, I’m truly sorry. But one thing I’ve learned is that my past doesn’t have to dictate my future. Also, your upbringing does not condemn you to a life of misery. Education, therapy, some emotional intelligence, and a relationship with Jesus, the anti-narcissist, can mitigate even the worst damage. Give yourself grace and time. Give of yourself and learn to receive from others the things that your father could not.