As anyone who has entered into a marriage knows, the odds seem stacked against couples before “I do” is said for the first time. It’s not just the divorce statistics that ring in the distance, but also the fact that there are many different behaviors or scenarios that can turn your relationship upside down.
One of the best things we can do, then, is to arm ourselves with knowledge of the list of personality traits that, if left unexamined, could doom a marriage to failure.
Since we all have bad habits, by understanding the worst ones, we can better recognize our mistakes, hold ourselves accountable, and be the best partner we can be. In other words, in our effort to better ourselves, we can push the looming specter of divorce from our minds and focus on the future — and the joys of marriage.
So, according to psychologists, relationship experts, and divorce lawyers, here are some of the most common personality traits that can lead to divorce.
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Couples who have a combination of these seven personality traits are more likely to divorce:
- Catastrophic
When one partner tends to take small incidents and blow them out of proportion, it can slowly erode the marriage. In many cases, these incidents are insignificant but are exacerbated by anxiety and depression.
David Jeunet, an Illinois-based family attorney, has reported cases in which clients have filed for divorce over things like a spouse coming home late from work or forgetting to bring dry cleaning.
“In extreme cases, I have had clients suffer a disastrous filing for divorce from their spouses on three separate occasions,” says Guneet. “An innocuous event causes a client to file for divorce. During the divorce the client realizes they overreacted, and the client rejects the divorce. The next innocuous event precipitates the same course of action…file for divorce, realize they overreacted, reject the divorce.”
Related: 9 subtle phrases that reveal a manipulative person’s hidden agenda
- Physical
Studies have shown that when one or both partners in a marriage have a tendency to want more and/or buy more, it can be a downright marriage killer.
Chicago divorce attorney Russell D. Knight: “In today’s world, women work hard and earn more, but they always expect men to work harder and earn more.” “If a woman is constantly out-earning her partner, she will slowly begin to resent him if she judges her life based on material things like money.”
- Compulsive caregiving
This may seem like a good thing, but when one partner is overly giving to another, it may actually be a sign of emotional distance and a subtle way of trying to assert control in the relationship. This can lead to feelings of resentment and isolation and, ultimately, pave the way for divorce.
The letter begins with, “I give to you because I care about you; Relationship Integrity: Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships” “Over-giving is a powerful defense against building mutuality and equality in relationships, does not allow for intimacy and empathy and leaves people in marriage feeling isolated.”
Related: 9 incredibly subtle forms of manipulation in a relationship, according to psychology
- Avoid the argument
Disagreements are necessary for marriage. It is important to air grievances publicly and, when done effectively, can help resolve issues and improve communication.
However, when arguments are avoided in a relationship, things remain unresolved, and the relationship cannot move forward. This leads to unhappiness.
As sexologist and relationship expert Dr. Nikki Goldstein says, “Relationships can be salvaged without the focus and hard work that someone who avoids arguments may not be willing to put in.”
- Fragile ego
Deep insecurities can sow the seeds of marital turmoil because the insecure person may try to find external means to resolve these insecurities.
One such external means could be attention from another person, which is the first step on the path to infidelity, whether emotional or otherwise.
“When life settles down and there are only two people living side by side,” Goldstein says, “the fragile ego will find someone else to caress, in more ways than one.”
Related: 12 Things Passive-Aggressive People Do — But Don’t Realize
- Narcissism
It is not surprising that the risk of divorce among narcissistic people is very high, mostly due to their inability to see reality when it comes to balancing relationship roles.
Often times, when something goes wrong or there is any type of conflict, the narcissist tends to play the victim.
“A person who always plays the victim, coupled with a great sense of self, may not have the empowerment and control to fix things when the relationship is in jeopardy,” Goldstein says. “How can someone fix things if they don’t take responsibility for their role in the first place?”
- Selfishness
Egoism and narcissism seem like the same thing, but there is a difference in that everyone has a little bit of selfishness in everyone, and everyone has times when they may put their own needs before their partner’s needs.
Problems can arise when this behavior becomes habitual and constantly makes the other partner feel useless.
“Selfishness has a shelf life in marriage, and only so much love will keep a person in place,” Goldstein says. “But when [selfishness] is hurtful toward another person, things can start to go downhill.”
Related: 7 signs you’re not a bad person, you’re just in the wrong relationship
