Choose your battles.

It’s a cliche that’s rooted in meaning and is a very consistent and useful way to live your life. Not everything is worth arguing about. Some things you just have to grin and bear with, knowing that it’s easier than constantly fighting for your own way.

This is exactly why I ended up being intimate with my husband to keep the peace during our two years of marriage.

Looking back, of course, this wasn’t good. I didn’t know at the time that I was in a healthy relationship. I didn’t even stop to think that my husband was an emotional abuser, manipulative, and narcissist. It didn’t occur to me that the way he handled intimacy wasn’t okay and that his anger when I rejected him was a big red flag.

But at that moment, all I could think about was that letting him be intimate with me would finally make him stop bothering me.

In the beginning, we had a good relationship. But, like most relationships, when you settle into a comfortable space, seductive glances while driving and leaving pots on the stove so you can roll around on the kitchen floor become less common.

I’m a big believer in having an exciting love life, no matter how long you’ve been with your partner, but it always slows down. it is life. It’s loving someone over lusting after them. it’s normal.

What’s not normal is being intimate with someone just because they won’t leave you alone about it.

My husband was a sex addict, I’m pretty sure. From his collection of videos, before we met, to the numerous times he cheated on me with casual encounters with random women, to the pictures of women he would Google, I was convinced he was an addict. It made perfect sense, and it also explained why he threw such huge outbursts every time I refused sex.

Begging. Oh my God, begging! It always started out as a calling, but if you rejected it, it became more insistent. “Please, come on?” He was saying over and over again like a teenager on prom night.

There was no excuse that mattered to him. If I complained of being tired, he would remind me how early his work day started. If I argued that I just wanted to relax, he would tease me and ask why intimacy with him wasn’t comfortable. If I insisted that I didn’t want to, his insecurity became stifling. “You’re used to being with me all the time. Why do you never want to be intimate?”

I used to take my time getting to bed, hoping that he would be fully asleep when I got there and I wouldn’t have to have the most infuriating fight ever. But instead, he was waiting with a frown on his face. “I told you I wanted to be intimate, what were you doing?”

So I gave up. Repeatedly. I thought it was just intimacy. I even started chanting the mantra like a 1950s housewife. “It’s my duty as his wife. That’s one of the things that comes with marriage.”

Because I couldn’t take his frustration and anger anymore. Dealing with his bad attitude for several days was more stressful than just being intimate. But it only ruined my opinions about being sensual.

He would often ask me why I never initiated sex, but I wasn’t ready to admit the real reason behind it – he took all the fun out of it. Of course, being intimate didn’t make our relationship any better. This did not prevent him from cheating on me or having intimate interactions as a tool and weapon for bargaining. He just kept the peace all night.

It wasn’t until we got divorced and started a new relationship that I was reminded how fun sex can be, and how important consent is.

Even though my husband never forced me or abused me, I think about the times I cried during sex because I simply didn’t want to do it. I think about how persistent he was, how he made me feel like I owed him intimacy just because I was his wife, and that my thoughts and ideas about intimacy didn’t matter. If you ever said, “I don’t feel like it,” his answer was, “Well, I do.”

I am willing to do a lot of things to keep the peace. I’ll pick up the dirty clothes off the floor instead of showing my new friend where the basket is. I will accept apologies rather than press for more remorse. I’ll even quit arguing when I know there’s no chance for either of us to see the other person’s side. Choose your battle.

But intimacy? This should never be a battle.

Sexual assault is very common.

Ryan reports that every 68 seconds, an American falls victim to sexual violence. Females are more vulnerable to abuse and assault, and 90% of adult victims are women. This is especially prevalent among women who happen to be college students, making their risk three times greater.

Sexual assault is very common.

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