We live in a culture that prides itself on being difficult. Many’s childhoods are punctuated by the constant barrage of “suck it up” and “life’s not fair.”
When a child falls to the ground, he or she is told, “Get it off! You’re okay!” When a child cries in the store for a candy bar he can’t get, many say, “Stop crying or I’ll give you a reason to cry.” When a child cries because their sister got a bigger gift than they did, they may hear: “Put it up, life’s not fair.”
Related: I Kept My Baby At Age 21 Against My Parent’s Wishes — Why I Believe In The Power Of Choice
What do all these examples have in common?
A parent is trying to prevent his child from throwing a tantrum. They try to instill in them that life is difficult, so they need to learn skills that will enable them to deal with this difficulty.
Sometimes, their reaction stems from their own fears — the fear that their child will grow up to be entitled or uncool. But what if what you’re doing is seriously spoiling your child?
When we tell our children that they are okay, or that they need to stop crying, or that life is not fair, we are trying to transcend what they are feeling and experiencing.
Imagine you said to someone: “I’m very sad right now because my cat died.” They replied, “Oh, you’re fine. You can always get a new cat. It’s not the end of the world.” You won’t feel validated.
In this scenario, someone is trying to improve your situation instead of being understanding and empathetic. When they highlight that, they are dismissive of your feelings in that moment.
Let’s look at another scenario, but replace the adult with a child. The baby falls and starts crying. “Come now, you’re okay!” This is called gaslighting.
Gaslighting is used when you are trying to convince someone that their experience is incorrect.
When we try to force children to continue eating after they are full, or convince them that it does not hurt when they feel it, or tell them that what they are crying about is not worth crying about, we are telling them that what they are crying about is not worth crying about. Experiences are not reality.
Related: People With These 7 Personality Traits Are Most Likely To Not Be Loyal In Relationships
When we shine the spotlight on our children, they begin to question their judgment. They stop listening to their intuition. They lose their sense of security and self-confidence.
Other people say I cry for no reason, and that my mind is confused about how I’m supposed to feel. There must be something wrong with me. Cue anxiety, frustration and deteriorating self-image.
People cry for a reason. One of these reasons is to release excess stress during an intense event. A fall, a broken toy, a wrong-colored cup, wanting something they can’t have—all are intense events for a child.
When we lecture them about being selfish, rude, needy, complaining, ungrateful, or dramatic, we make them feel even more wrong with them.
A young child’s mind is not developed enough to think outside of itself. They can’t understand how world hunger is related to them wasting a meal you made for them. They cannot relate to abstract ideas that they cannot see and experience for themselves.
“So what is the alternative to telling our children that they are okay?” “I try to teach them to be tough and stop crying because life is hard and they have to be able to deal with that,” a parent might ask.
We can teach our children resilience, empathy, and compassion by modeling these behaviors with them. Most importantly, we stop gaslighting them.
We stop telling them to fight back. We stop telling them that they are overreacting, that they are too sensitive, or that they are crying for no reason.
Our intention may not be to hurt them, but the impact is what matters in these situations.
Related: If A Guy Has These 5 Personality Traits, Run Far Far Away
We can stop gaslighting our children by changing our perspective. Instead of suppressing their feelings, we connect with them and try to understand what they are experiencing. We ask them if they are okay, instead of telling them they are okay. We often sympathize with them.
We empathize by saying, “I understand how you feel. I would feel that way too if I were you.
