You know that narcissists hurt people in many ways. They lie, cheat, steal, and manipulate to get their needs met. They constantly engage in these toxic patterns without any real consideration of how they affect others.
Narcissistic projection occurs when the narcissist does not want to take responsibility for your feelings or experiences after he or she has done something to hurt you. This happens more often than you realize, and they use projection to transfer their relationship crimes onto you. Let’s get into how it all works.
What is narcissistic projection?
Projection is a primitive defense mechanism that people use to protect themselves. When someone projects, they are unconsciously transferring their unwanted traits or emotions to another person.
Most people do a project from time to time. For example, someone may not like a particular coworker. But instead of admitting it to themselves, they automatically convince themselves that their coworker is the one who doesn’t like them. Or the bully may feel insecure about his appearance, but choose someone else to avoid hurtful reflection.
Narcissistic projection is a destructive form of projection that often combines manipulation, lying, and emotional abuse. It’s confusing, and can sometimes come out of nowhere.
But their outrageous reaction is a reaction to a narcissistic injury. They are angry with you because they cannot handle feeling uncomfortable, unloved, or unworthy. When they make a mistake, they cannot take personal responsibility for their actions. As a result, any time you confront their behavior or even challenge their behavior, you are more likely to receive their expectations.
They accuse you of treason
Blaming yourself for being unfaithful (even when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong) is a classic sign of narcissistic projection. If you hear this claim often, be careful. Maybe your partner is cheating on you. If they haven’t already, they’re probably close to it.
Sometimes, this is a form of guilt transfer. Although they will never admit it, the narcissist knows he or she has done something wrong. So, to avoid sitting with that painful feeling, they throw it back at you.
Other times, they’ll accuse you of hurting them, and just want to test your loyalty over and over again. They want you to reassure them and reassure them that you will never leave. After all, even though the narcissist comes across as overly confident, he or she relies on his or her narcissistic reserve to ensure his or her value.
Unfortunately, this is never enough. Even if you promised them loyalty a million times, they would still find ways to challenge it. They don’t accept things at face value, and they want you to constantly prove how much you care about the relationship.
They tell you that you suffer from addiction
Maybe you enjoy an occasional glass of wine after work. Or you shop online a lot when you can’t sleep at night.
We all have vices, but narcissist loves to accuse people of having full-blown addictions or “problems” when they disagree with certain behaviors. Often, these accusations allow them to avoid taking responsibility for their bad habits.
Furthermore, many narcissists struggle with their addiction problems. But, of course, they rarely acknowledge the seriousness of their problem. Instead, they usually downplay, justify, or completely deny what they are doing.
Even if your problems do not border on addiction, the narcissist is likely exaggerating them. You may also start questioning yourself, wondering if they know something about you that you don’t. It can be embarrassing and confusing, especially if they share their concerns with other people in your life.
They call you a bad parent
You love your children and would do anything to raise or protect them. You never claim to be perfect, but you do your best to raise children.
However, a narcissist will always have some problem with what you do. No matter how hard you try, something will always be wrong or not good enough.
Narcissistic parents are overly judgmental, critical, and resentful. They blame their parents and children for everything that goes wrong in their lives. Instead of thinking about how to change their behavior, they attack others.
Thus, the narcissist will question your choices and make passive-aggressive comments about your behaviors. They will also try to turn your children against you, especially if you are no longer in a relationship together.
Of course, this projection is a form of absolving them from personal accountability. Narcissistic parents cause great damage to their families. On a basic level, they cannot even love their children properly. But if you ask them directly, they often think they are the best and most selfless parents in the world.
They blame you for money problems
Narcissists often use financial abuse to control their partners. Financial abuse can be as extreme, such as completely restricting access to funds or banking information. But it can also be less obvious.
For example, a narcissist may encourage you to quit your job to focus on your passion (so that he can be the primary breadwinner and have a greater say in spending). Or they may make repetitive comments about what you buy, making you feel guilty and unsure about your choices.
Either way, if financial problems arise, they will not be held responsible for them. Instead, it will be your fault for spending too much money, not earning enough, or failing to take care of your financial health.
They assume that others hate them
It is a misconception that narcissists believe that everyone adores them. Most of them see the world as extreme: everything is either perfect or a failure. They either love someone, or they hate someone. There is very little tolerance for anything that falls in between.
Therefore, even if there is a hint of tension, they will immediately assume that someone is trying to get to them. That’s why they often come across as very insecure and even paranoid. They rarely trust others and tend to believe that even their loved ones will turn against them.
This type of projection explains why so many narcissists isolate people without giving it much thought. When they realize that someone could threaten their ego, they remove themselves as quickly as possible.
They focus excessively on your appearance
Narcissists feel entitled to get what they want. Therefore, they often want their partners to look their absolute best.
But they usually have double standards, and their standards are completely unrealistic. For example, they may expect you to remain a size zero with no evidence of gray hair or wrinkles. But they may walk around with a noticeable belly and visible signs of aging.
At the same time, they will also use your appearance against you. If they think you are getting too much attention, they will try to control how you look, what you wear, and how you take care of your body. Some narcissists will blatantly sabotage their partners in this way.
Regardless of the exact circumstances, the rules are clear. They are allowed to criticize your appearance. But if you mention that they changed their shirts, ate a little healthier, or cut their hair, all hell breaks loose.
They call you (or someone else) a narcissist
Narcissists like to be victims in their own lives. They will be quick to label other people with mental health diagnoses or conditions. If they know anything about narcissism, they may apply this term to you or someone else.
At the same time, some narcissists realize that they possess narcissistic traits. Of course, having this vision does not automatically translate into change. Narcissists who have higher levels of self-awareness may rationalize their negative characteristics. Or they may blame someone or something else for making them this way.
They blame you for not caring about them
You are being very selfish. You don’t consider my needs. You know I’m suffering, and you don’t seem to even care.
This is one of the universal signs of narcissism. Almost every narcissist uses this type of narcissistic projection to induce feelings of guilt.
If the narcissist feels that you have any doubts about the relationship, he will use them against you. And if you take it a step further and end things, you can expect them to accuse you of giving up, not caring at all, or hurting them just like everyone else. They will put you in a vicious cycle of losing and losing, knowing that this cycle can lure you back to them.
Of course, this projection is just a mirror of their issues. They don’t care about you as a person. Instead, they care about what you offer them.
