So, you’ve met someone amazing, right? She seems too good to be true as if she could be your soul mate if you believe in that kind of thing. You guys have everything in common, and they worship you based on nothing more than a first impression and maybe a few dates.
Something seems a little strange, but you ignore it. You think your fear of having something real is just your fear when you meet so many people that you’re afraid to admit how amazing you are.
No one wants to hear that their Prince Charming (or Cinderella) is the villain, but if something is weird, it probably is. Narcissists are extremely gifted at abuse, making their partners feel like they are crazy, and they are so attractive and charming that no one would believe them if you claimed otherwise.
They’re using a special set of skills that they’ve had to develop after years of insecurity and neglect, that are designed to keep you as their source of supply until you become so depleted that you feel like you’re the one depending on them:
1. Love bombing
This is the stage where you will have the most fun ever with a narcissist. Unfortunately, this is all an illusion and comes with an expiration date. They will seemingly give you their full attention while trying to connect you with the things you both have in common.
They’ll tell you how different and special you are, how they have no idea how to live this long without you, and how different you are from their crazy/stupid/petty exes. They’ll take you on cute dates, mirror your sense of humor and interests, and even reveal intimate parts of their past in the hopes that you’ll trust them too.
The hardest part of recovering from narcissistic abuse comes from convincing yourself that the person you knew in the love bombing phase was carefully crafted, manipulative, and designed to deceive you. Also, after this point, you will have no chance of convincing mutual friends that this person doesn’t care at all.
Related: 9 Ways Narcissists Ruin Every Social Event
2. Triangulation
You are not the only person who is experiencing love bombing, is love bombing, or will be love bombed shortly. They have a lot of other people who use these “one and only” phrases with them. It won’t be long until they start giving you accurate information about other women and how they are a little better than you.
It will be so passive-aggressive that if you call them out on it, you will be “overreacting” and “dramatic.” They will blur the lines between those who are “just friends”, and convince you that you have nothing to worry about when they don’t have any friends. They have those who provide them with narcissistic supply and those who dispose of them.
It can be hard not to feel jealous when you see them with their new supplies. Or you may feel sorry for the new victim as she embarks on a downward spiral of what is called death by a thousand pieces of paper. Resist the urge to warn them. They won’t listen to you, it makes you look like a crazy person, and in all honesty, you probably wouldn’t have heeded this warning in your love bombing phase yourself.
3. Maintain a charming public persona
You will never be able to convince mutual friends that this person is who they are. Accept it as soon as you can. People will try to convince you that you’re a crazy person, that you’re too attached, that this person didn’t mean to hurt you but oh my god, you’re so sensitive. Don’t buy any of them.
You know first-hand how magical the story is, how amazing their wordplay is, and how skilled they are at making their audience feel special. You know who they are and what they are. It doesn’t seem fair but don’t try to ruin their image. You won’t succeed. Only they can successfully shatter their image, which will happen if anyone else gets close enough.
4. Gaslight / Word Authority / Comprehensive Statements
The Narc will do a great job of convincing you that you are overreacting or that they did not do/say what you are accusing them of doing. You can try to confront them, but they will cover up any wrongdoing on their part and either charm or intimidate you into retracting your statement. They do this very subtly so that you are the one apologizing for what they did to you.
Related: I Fell For A Narcissist — Then Prayed For A Miracle
5. Devaluation of the currency
These digs at your personality/appearance/intelligence will be the butt of a joke. If you try to tell the narc that you don’t find these things funny, you will be accused of being too sensitive. This can come from being grabbed inappropriately in public and justifying it as a joke.
This may be a comment on how attractive your girlfriend is, but he claims he means it as a compliment, not to belittle you. This can come in the form of keeping you in the dark about something you need to know in the name of protecting you from the harsh truth.
This is the most painful of all the stages a narcissist goes through, except for the early stages of no contact. Just like love bombing, no one is exempt from the subtle and subtle emotional abuse committed by a narcissist. And that’s exactly what it is too – it’s not “mean” or “misunderstanding” – it’s abuse.
6. Isolation
Similar to trying to destroy his public persona, no one will believe the terrible things the narcissist has said about your mutual friends. They will belittle anyone you consider a friend, to the point where you wonder why you’re hanging out with that person.
Then once you decide to distance yourself from everyone, you will see that the narc spends more and more time with these people. It will come to a point where you feel like this person is all you have because he is the only one who understands you, and you are the only one who can “save” him from this bad world in which he lives.
7. Apology
If you decide to stop using drugs, and you deserve applause if you do, they will undoubtedly come back. It may take any time, but their return is inevitable. Don’t feel flattered by this, because they do this to everyone who was a source of supplies. Not out of affection, but out of a thirst for attention.
They will claim to admit everything they did wrong, tell you how wrong it was that they treated you so poorly, and tell you they had an epiphany, and you were meant to be that way all along. They don’t mean a word of it, which you’ll soon find out if you decide to forgive them.
Again, it is difficult to recognize a genuine apology from a narcissist. Block out any other opinions and follow your gut on this one. The only way to overcome a narcissist is to not contact.
Related: 12 Ways To Cope With Narcissistic Family Members During The Holidays
