Relationships can be difficult at the best of times, but combining a codependent and a narcissist becomes downright toxic.
It’s the classic case of opposites attracting.
But there is more to the two conditions than many people realize.
A codependent person will (unhealthily) go above and beyond for the people they love, while a narcissist will expect everyone to go above and beyond for them.
So why are the two drawn to each other like moths to a flame, when on the surface they seem so incompatible?
Read on to learn more about where the two situations come from, their similarities, and how their dangerous dance often ends in despair.
#Where do dependency and narcissism come from?
Codependency is not a new term, but over time, more research on the term has shown that it can stem from different types of dysfunctional upbringings.
Originally, the term was used to refer to partners of alcoholics as they were seen as enabling or facilitating their partner’s addiction.
But as we learned more about this, it became clear that anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family could develop codependency.
Now, it is believed that codependency can be caused by families in which:
Abuse or violence
Neglect
Defamation and blame
Unrealistic expectations that parents place on children
Children in these families can grow up under a lot of pressure and stress, which is often caused by dysfunction in their parents.
As the child grows, he begins to believe that he shares responsibility for family problems. In some cases, their parents blame them for things that are beyond their control.
Even into adulthood, a child with codependency will still crave attention and approval, all while trying to suppress his inner feelings of unworthiness and guilt.
Are narcissists the opposite of codependents?
Surprisingly, the two have more in common than is often realized.
With significant overlap in some of the characteristics that make a family dysfunctional, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) appears to develop in people who have:
- Exposure to abuse or neglect during childhood
- Exposure to excessive criticism or excessive love from parents
- Influenced by cultural influences
Psychologist Dr. Eddie Brummelman explains:
He goes on to explain that when parents overly praise their children and put them on a pedestal, they encourage narcissistic behavior.
The child grows up believing that he is superior to others, and that normal rules of social behavior do not apply to him.
Alternatively, if a child comes from a home with neglect and abuse, he or she may adopt “victim” traits and believe they are more important because they suffered as a child.
Therefore, although the two cases have very different outcomes, they have some common origins; Dysfunction at home.
#What is the difference between codependents and narcissists?
You may have heard the two terms used side by side, but it’s not the similarities that attract codependents and narcissists to each other.
Related : 12 ways you might be unintentionally gaslighting someone
It is their differences that attract them and create a seemingly seamless connection, although the honeymoon period is often short-lived.
Interdependence is the “stabilizer” or “fun” in a relationship.
Codependent people are people who rely heavily on the approval of others and sacrifice their happiness to please their loved ones.
Some features of interdependence include:
Having low self-esteem
The constant need to please people
Being in denial about their dependent habits
-Weak boundaries in all types of relationships
Excessive attention to the point that they put others before themselves
Poor communication when it comes to defending themselves or explaining their feelings
You always want to be in control
While codependent people seek attention and reassurance from their partners, they don’t realize that by constantly taking care of them, they can end up holding the other person back.
Narcissists, on the other hand, have a strong love affair with themselves.
They are often referred to as the “controller” or “receiver” in the relationship.
You may have heard them calling:
Self-centered
Insensitive and largely lacking in empathy
attention seeking
Arrogant and overconfident
selfishness
They are often shown in movies as soft, charming characters who turn out to be controlling and even dangerous once the unsuspecting victim falls in love (think Christian Gray from Fifty Shades of Grey).
Narcissists see themselves as better than others and often believe that rules do not apply to them and that what matters most is respect and compliance from others.
Their need to control and overrule others means that narcissists are often highly manipulative and tend to leave a trail of toxic relationships behind them.
Related : 14 clear signs you’re a toxic girlfriend
#Is there anything in common between codependents and narcissists?
So far, although they may have encountered similar problems during their upbringing, their results seem to be quite the opposite.
Codependent people care excessively about and are overly focused on others. Narcissists only care about themselves and depend on others to boost their self-esteem.
